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How long do I carry on being a doormat?

(11 Posts)
Frecklesandspecs Fri 12-Apr-13 16:46:13

Long story short.

I have two young children with a 3rd one due in October.
We have always had our ups and downs but I am not sure how much longer of the current I can take.
I've gladly done everything at home for my husband as he works long hours in London. I gave up my work to look after our girls with a view to going back after. Yes, I find it tedious and lonely, but it was the best thing financially.
I hardly see my DH during the week and at weekends we rarely do anything together. We don't really even talk much anymore.
Anyway, things took a turn for the worse when out of the blue I found out I was pregnant again a couple of months ago.
He wanted me to get a termination, but I could not see good enough reasons to go through with it.
So I have kept the pregnancy but have also become invisable. He pretty much ignores me day and night even though I continue to do things for him. He has moods (this goes way back) that last for a week or so without saying a word to me.

I have no friends where we live (we have always moved so he can be closer to work) and no support. I do feel alone but him being like this especially in pregnancy is driving me mad.
He complains about everything I do or does things like refuse to eat a dinner I have spent ages cooking or say he doesn't want his sandwiches anymore which I get up at 6am to make. (I'm fine with that but I know these little things are out of spite)
He goes around the house grumbling or picking at tiny things, even if I have been cleaning all day. I walk on eggshells all the time he is around and I am really miserable.

I have been staying at my mums for a week or s with the kids as we both thoguht it was a good idea to get a little break but I have called him each day for the kids to speak to him and he hardly has two words to say to us.
He doesn't have much time for the kids either, though he does obviously love them to bits.

Worst of all, for these past 2 weeks I have not missed or thought of him one bit.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 12-Apr-13 16:52:41

You are being emotionally abused. I mean, your post is pretty much a classic example of it. I always say "If you're walking on eggshells, you're probably being abused."

Anyway, your question was "How long do I carry on being a doormat?" The answer is, only as long as you want to. I notice you didn't ask "How long is he going to treat me like a doormat" and that's good. Because you know the answer is "As long as he can."

Only you can change this dynamic. He's not going to change. Oh, if you startle him enough, he will probably claim to want to change and promise to change, and maybe change a little for a little while, but he's not really going to change.

If I were you, I would start thinking in terms of how to get out of there. It may seem impossible, but it's actually not. Just very, very hard. And he won't make it easy because while he doesn't seem to respect or even like you very much, you are his doormat.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 12-Apr-13 16:54:04

Oh, and in the meantime, stop making him sandwiches. Seriously. Unless he's prone to physical violence, I really doubt life will be any harder for you if you just stop making him food. Or doing anything for him that he seems to not appreciate.

overtheraenbow Fri 12-Apr-13 17:41:38

What Katie said^^

I am only just seeing the light, I could have written your post a year ago ( oh yeah I did!!)

You are not happy, kids are not happy and he is not happy; do the math!!
IME sad it will get worse, get out now while you can still be in the same room without killing e.o!! You deserve more and so do your kids!!

ClippedPhoenix Fri 12-Apr-13 17:46:21

Oh OP how awful for you. I agree with other posters here im afraid, the man is an arse. He won't change either so you will either have to go back, put up and shut up or find a way out.

Big hugs......

Frecklesandspecs Fri 12-Apr-13 18:37:54

Thanks so much everyone. I feel like I am just feeling sorry for myself and being a whiner! But I am tired.
Thanks for your advice, it means alot and I will take it all on board. It is really encouraging to hear.
It does seem impossible right now, especially not working myself and being finacially dependant on him.
Over, what have/did you decide to do?

Frecklesandspecs Fri 12-Apr-13 18:41:45

Katy, a couple of years ago I did mention leaving but he went all nice and things got better for a bit. (a few weeks) I know it will be the same this time. I honestly do not feel I mean anything to him at all and am just there for the children so he can carry on with his life. (which generally revolves around his work.

gingeme Fri 12-Apr-13 18:59:35

Your not married to my ex are you ?
Get out while you can !! I didnt realise it until the day I told him Id had enough and he had to leave sad. He was so shocked he actually did It within a week shock.
It will be hard going to begin with and you must give yourself time to grieve. It does get easier.
Oh and I totally agree with the other ladies stop cooking for him. If hes that hungry he can go to the chippy !!

Frecklesandspecs Fri 12-Apr-13 19:57:08

Hope not ging!
I think I do live in denial as much as I can for fear of leaving with no money and 2-3 kids. I would have no idea how to do it or how I would survive. I would want to leave really as I feel that would be my decision.

gingeme Fri 12-Apr-13 22:16:31

Yes you have to be strong.
I Was stuck In Cambridge with 2 under 5 with all my family In London. He cleared off leaving me with rent arrears and the council ready to chuck me out. Hes married to someone else now treating her like a doormat and theyve claimed bankruptsy sp* twice !!

Nanny0gg Fri 12-Apr-13 23:41:13

He doesn't have much time for the kids either, though he does obviously love them to bits.
Really? How do you know that? Nothing you've said so far shows any evidence of that, if that's a reason you think you should put up with the treatment you're getting.

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