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My ex is such a twat! Any advice on dealing with him?

(11 Posts)
Glabella Fri 12-Apr-13 12:20:47

Apologies if this ends up long.

My STBXH was emotionally abusive for much of the last 2 years, predictably starting when I became pregnant, although he managed to string me along with a woe is me story of depression for much of this, while offering no support to me as I became depressed also with a difficult pregnancy, new baby and obviously a twat of a husband. He eventually told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to break up, but then kept changing his mind for 6 months while I picked myself up off the floor and got a grip of myself enough to end things. I told him to move out at Christmas after his constant lies and verbal abuse got too much (thanks to all of you for the advice given to me and others, I couldn't have done it without you) and I feel like a weight has been lifted. Our daughter is 18 months old now.

He is now playing the injured party quite expertly, and is being a total nightmare. For the first month or so he would turn up to pick up stuff, corner me and cry, tell me he loved me, I'd broken his heart, he would kill himself etc, while also managing to tell me it was all my fault and I was such a bitch. hmm I put a stop to this by dumping his stuff in the hallway for him and not letting him in after he had picked it up.

But he still has no respect for boundaries- he comes in and shuts the door if I run to get something when he's picking up our daughter, looks at paperwork, says he's 'just going to get something' then pushes past me. He is vague about which weekends he is having our daughter, refuses to make concrete plans until he has talked to his non existent solicitor, and then doesn't answer his phone for days on end, meaning I am left chasing him to find out whether he is picking her up. I am trying to be reasonable and maintain my daughter's relationship with him, he is great with her when I'm not around.

He has also over the last few months contacted all of my friends to tell them how horrible I am, been to counselling and then told me that the counsellor said it sounded like it was all my fault, refused to discuss finances or access arrangements and basically acted like an unpleasant child, while being terribly convincing as the abandoned husband to everyone else.

I am being guilt tripped by his family, who say his behavior was due to his depression, that he is in counselling and that he is sorting himself out and wants a second chance. There is no way I am taking him back, but it takes so much energy to not let this get to me. My family keep making ever so helpful comments that my daughter is clingy because of all of this, which may well be true but does nothing but make me feel more shit. I am in the middle of a demanding uni course and can't take any time off, and I am totally worn out. Some days it is all just too much, and the memories of our marriage all come rushing in and I don't know what to do with them and I am just so angry about everything. I am having counselling, which helps, but I didn't expect it to be this hard.

Today he has been a totally awful. Our joint mortgage is currently being paid by insurance after he lost his job last year. The last 2 payments have been taken from my account, I presumed by mistake, which has happened before. I have asked him to sort it out many times- I cannot talk to them as the whole thing is in his name. He promised he had sorted it, that it was a mistake and would be refunded. I finally saw him today and challenged him about it, and it turns out that I have been paying the mortgage because he got a part time job 2 fucking months ago and didn't tell me. The reason why- because he didn't want me to be upset because he loves me. The twat. So now I have no money.

And he insisted on hugging me before leaving, although I had told him not to. He tried to kiss me, and at that point I lost it and slammed the door in his face.

Any advice on how to stop letting him get to me, short of killing him and burying him under the patio?

Mosman Fri 12-Apr-13 12:25:46

I like the patio idea tbh

issypiggle Fri 12-Apr-13 12:33:23

the killing him and burying him under the patio does sound good do you want some help? smile

First of all good for you for getting out of it. next i would tell your family that their comments are not helping and you need help. his family can go stuff themselves. they obviously aren't worth listening to.

as in all of these i would say go chat to CAB, they will give you the guidance to tell you what help you can get, what there is to set boundaries with your ex.

have you chatted to someone on your uni course, about maybe taking a break from it, sorting everything and then going back to it (no idea if this can be done, i was too thick for uni)

issypiggle Fri 12-Apr-13 12:34:16

short of that, if he keeps trying to hug you and kiss you i'd have a chat with local police and see if that could be classed as harrassment

YoniDaChillOut Fri 12-Apr-13 12:35:03

the best advice i have had when it comes to things like this (my ex sounds very similar to yours, right down to his family!) is engage at the level you are comfortable with. i would also add to that, and dont justify your actions.

so if he goes for a hug, push him back and tell him you dont want to hug him.

why is he coming in the house? you are now paying for it. he waits on teh step for dd. if you need to get something you close the door and lock it ( i do this, my ex climbed through my living room window one morning while i was in bed- i met him half way up my stairs! he said he was just picking stuff up)

you dont ask him what time he is coming for dd. you tell him these are the times dd will be coming to him for contact and if he cannot do those times then he must contact you to negotiate other suitable times. if he doesn't turn up at the time agreed you carry on with whatever you had planned and when he gets in touch he has to meet you wherever you are. or you turn up at his at the agreed time and drop her off leaving no room for him to be late.

stick with these times.

my ex and i agreed times for pick up yet every week he will text saying "what time do you want me to come for the dcs" as if it's a flexible arrangement to suit me! no matey, you come at the time we agreed. teh same time it is every week!

Kaluki Fri 12-Apr-13 12:44:55

See CAB or a solicitor about the mortgage and financial situation.
Talk to uni - see if they can give you some time out or defer your course for a while to give you time to sort things out.
Get contact dates/times set out in writing and if he misses a time then tough shit - he'll have to be ready for the next one.
Disengage - don't let him in the house and tell him next time he tries to kiss/hug you you will contact the police.
Ignore his family (and yours if they make stupid bloody comments - your dd being clingy may be as a result of the breakup but its not the end of the world and she'd be affected a lot more if you'd stayed with him)
And don't believe any of his shit - no counsellor will tell him its all your fault (my ex tried that - his counsellor told him it was my fault he drank apparently hmm)
If all that fails I can lend you a spade for the patio idea... grin

tightfortime Fri 12-Apr-13 13:28:14

Twunt. Bur depressingly familiar to many of us here.

We think about the kids, we worry about the money, we tolerate abuse, assault and nosey fucker relations to ‘keep the peace’ to ‘do what’s best for the child’ etc etc.

Time to get angry here love and threaten retaliation.

I had to and he was gobsmacked initially, upped his stalking/suicide/nasty texts game until suddenly he saw sense and chose the quieter life. It’s only when they accept it’s actually really over does this stop.

Ring the bank, explain situation and put a stop on the payment until his share of money is sorted.

Do not allow him in, walk out and meet him in the driveway/car park for handover.

Access times and days are non-negotiable and if he doesn’t turn up, remind him that you will be making a note of every time he is late/not arriving for the impending legal discussion.

Tell him if he hugs or tries to kiss you again, you’ll call police for sexual harrassment. Or do as I did and threaten to get a third party involved who was only itching to get him face to face.

If he stalks you, sends abusive messages/emails, tell him you are keeping a record and all will go to solicitor and or police.

Make sure he knows that you are also telling your friends the true story - and every last detail of it. This drove my STBEH insane as he wasn’t in control anymore and he spent his time trying to be all friendly to the very people he had little time for when we were together. He’s still terrified of the girl he knows has the whole story and wouldn’t come to the door when she was visiting recently (and we’re fairly civilised these days).

He’s still trying to control you. You have to get on with your life now and he needs to fit in around you, as the main carer.

Glabella Fri 12-Apr-13 13:40:26

Thanks for all the advice. I have been trying to avoid being too confrontational as it will just give him more ammunition to twist against me, and I was hoping he would be an adult about all of this, but I am realizing I am going to have to go for a more direct approach and not take any of his crap. I already have a solicitor, who is great, but trying to get things in writing and sort out finances when he won't discuss it/call the bank/sign anything/get his own bloody solicitor is a total nightmare and means that yet again it is me chasing around and doing all the work.

A sticking point with our daughter is that he wants her every weekend, and not at all in the week. He won't budge on this at all. My solicitor and I proposed contact days in writing (every other weekend and 1-2 week days) but he flat out refused, and won't discuss it until he has seen a solicitor. It has been weeks and he still hasn't seen one, so we are stuck, and he just refuses to discuss it.

I will get in touch with the police and at least let them know what has gone on, that's a good idea and would at least make me feel like I had some backup. He has been violent a couple of times in the past.

I can't take time out of uni- they are useless at pastoral support and if I have more than a week off I have to redo the year. It's my final year so I really can't afford to repeat it.

All this is helpful in a way- the more of a twat he is the less guilty and messed up I feel about ending our marriage. No matter how it affects my daughter, it has to be better than staying with him.

YoniDaChillOut Fri 12-Apr-13 13:56:25

well if he wont agree contact then the logical result consequence of that is that he doesn't get any!. if he wants contact he will need to be an adult and learn how to negotiate his terms.

clam Fri 12-Apr-13 14:11:44

Well, it's unreasonable (of course!) for her to only see him every weekend and not you, her mother. It should be every other weekend. If he can't manage weekdays as well that's his problem. If you can manage covering no contact from him at all for the time being (with your Uni work) then I would do that. It might make him get his finger out with contacting his solicitor.

cestlavielife Fri 12-Apr-13 16:49:16

dont let him in at all. keep him waiting til you have everything ready then open door take dd out hand over. ignor his protests that you are humiliating him etc.

move forward with divorce so you can sort out finances and arangements for child.
offer set contact times - if he doesnt offer alternative or turn up, so be it.

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