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Really don't know where to go with this and I'm driving myself nuts!

(14 Posts)
lostwomble Fri 12-Apr-13 10:41:15

This is my first post on here-I have no one that I can talk to in real life so I have turned to you all for some help-please!
I have been married for twenty years. Lovely family life, general ups and downs but I would say I am happily married.
My husband works in an industry that involves working with lots of women. Not a problem, I am quite used to it by now but one friendship he has with a colleague is really starting to worry me.
They worked together for about two years, mostly alone, unless they had customers. The particular job that they worked on has finished and they have gone on to different areas within the company but still remain quite close (travel wise). They do see each other from time to time and will give each other lifts to meetings etc.
Anyway, I know this is really bad, but I checked my husbands phone a few weeks ago and I could not believe the amount of texts and phone calls that go on between them-outside of work. Most of the phone calls seem to happen when I am at work or generally out of the house. My husbands days off are during the week and a lot of the calls happen on these days-always when I am not around.
This particular lady is very glam and totally unlike me. I have had a conversation with my husband about this lady and in a round about sort of way said, how attractive she is etc. He said that she is happily married etc and so is he and there is not way that anything would happen between them etc. I worded the conversation is such a way that I was not accusing him of anything if you see what I mean.
So, why are they still contacting each other? Why when I am not around? Obviously he does not know that I have checked his phone and he has deleted all the text messages he has had from her. I know men can have friendships with other women but this seems to be all on the quiet. I can't tell him what I know because then he will know I have been snooping. He is going to see her today too sad
Am I being totally paranoid? He has said that there is no way he would get involved with her etc but I just don't get it.
Sorry this is so long but I really don't know what to think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 10:53:58

I don't think you're being paranoid. Something must have prompted you to check the phone in the first place. Might be very subliminal on an 'instinct' level based on not very much at all, but it must have been there nevertheless and seems to have been pretty valid. You don't say if the texts were flirtatious.... probably not. However, I think it is a big concern that he is texting and phoning her when you're not around. I also think that, in the bigger picture, saying that you're unhappy with what sounds like (being charitable) an inappropriate friendship is worth revealing that you felt compelled to check his phone. Two wrongs don't make a right but, if there is anything going on, an affair is much worse than a bit of snooping.

My anecdote on this is that whenever my exH spoke about an old flame from before we met he'd get a certain 'look' on his face which made me irrationally uncomfortable and jealous. I dismissed my feelings but when he met the old flame several years later, he decided he'd rather be with her than me.

So trust your judgement

lostwomble Fri 12-Apr-13 11:17:15

Thank you cognito for your reply.
Like I said I just don't know what to think. If he is just friends with her why all the calls when I am not around? Like I said though, I just don't know how to approach it with him because then he will know that I have been looking at his phone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 12:01:00

The approach is... roughly... 'Want to tell me why you're always texting and phoning 'Doris' when I'm out of the house....?' If he accuses you of snooping the answer is 'don't change the subject, this is about you not me'. Don't accept any blame, in other words.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 12-Apr-13 12:03:00

It sounds like he is having an emotional affair - he is investing far too much in this "friendship" and is hiding it from you.

Always trust your instincts and I would talk to him about boundaries this link may help.

As for him getting cross, shouldn't there be total transparency with regards to phones/emails anyway? And if he gets angry and defensive then he is hiding something - the deletion of texts points to this.

Be strong and take control.

Gales Fri 12-Apr-13 12:12:33

Well, as they are obviously good friends and she is happily married, as is your DH, how about suggesting you invite her and her DH to yours (BBQ season must start soon?!)

I don't necessarily think the texts mean there is a problem - I text/call my friends when DH is not here. When he is, I'm busy with family things, when I'm home alone I'm probably a bit bored, but his response will give you a pretty good idea if there is anything to worry about. If he/she accepts, it will probably be a good afternoon with nice people and set your mind to rest. If he's horrified by the idea, then you'll know.

lostwomble Fri 12-Apr-13 12:45:39

Thank you everyone for your replies.
I am going to tackle it head on.
I'm shaking like a leaf!!

Kaluki Fri 12-Apr-13 12:51:19

I agree with Gales.
Call his bluff - suggest since they are such good friends it would be nice to have her and her DH round for dinner.
You will know by his response!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 13:23:11

Head on is better than game-playing IME.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Apr-13 13:37:50

What were the texts about? Did you get the chance to read any? Did they seem to be meeting up when you didn't know about it? Were any phone calls late at night?

It's awful having to tackle someone like this. You have the advantage that he'll be surprised by your questions. Don't let him change the subject. This is about him, not you, as Cogito says.

Gales Fri 12-Apr-13 13:53:01

Id agree usually Cognito , but in this case op doesn't really have any firm reason for suspicion, just some innocuous, albeit frequent, texts from some he admits us a friends. He isn't secretive about the friendship, op knows they are meeting today.

I wouldn't see my suggestion as playing games

Gales Fri 12-Apr-13 13:57:18

Sorry, posted too soon, Will never get the hang of this phone!

In the same situation, i would have a genuine desire to meet dh's friend and maybe make a couple of new ones myself. I would be expecting that everyone would like the suggestion and that we'd have a good time.

If they didn't, that would be when the alarm bells started.

TheWandererReturns Mon 15-Apr-13 09:00:57

How's it going, OP? Been wondering how you are getting on....

Homebird8 Mon 15-Apr-13 09:18:21

Perhaps, just perhaps they are work colleagues who have got to know each other so well over two years of working closely that they actually are friends. I say this because it is the case in my friendship with a man at work who happens to be my boss.

When I joined the company, in a new country, he and his wife and children made my family feel so at home. He and I get on really well and his wife (SAHM) and my husband (SAHD) are good friends too. We (my friend and I) tease them that they are ladies that lunch!

Over the weekend a tragic illness has hit their family and his wife has headed off overseas to be on the spot. He shared his fear and sadness and tears with me at work today. We hugged, and squeezed hands and poured tea and talked and listened and it is all innocent and just being there for a friend. He's taken my advice to let his loving sister look after their kids so that he can join his wife overseas and I will hold the fort at work.

Your DH might be hiding something and your instinct may be telling you that. On the other hand he may just have an unexpected friend. For all your sakes, I hope it's the latter.

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