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Mid life crisis

(31 Posts)
Matilda74 Thu 11-Apr-13 23:14:46

I think my husband is having a midlife crisis :0) he just walked out on me and the kids before Christmas. I was so devastated that I tried to kill myself and nearly did. He is cold towards me and refused to talk to me so me being me stole his phone and read everything :0( he was seeing a woman over the road. I tried to kick him in the balls and he called the police on me. He threw me on the floor and said it was self defence.
I haven't reacted very well but I still think of him as my husband of twenty years and am always shocked at the way he reacts to me. It's really horrible. He says he hasn't done anything wrong and I am mental, ugly a looser. He laughs in my face when I say how upset I am and mention the kids are beside themselves. He has reported me for assault and I am on bail. I don't know how I got here ?? Four months ago I was married and now my husband is with his second partner !! It all started when his father became terminally ill. Everytime I pick myself up he knocks me down again and I don't understand why ? He says marriages end all the time but he didn't even say anything to the kids he was in such a hurry to get out. He was lovely before this, always kissing me on the forehead every morning. Where did that man go :0(

Mumsyblouse Fri 12-Apr-13 00:00:09

Matilda, I didn't want to read this and run, I'm sure some wiser women will be along tomorrow (it's quite late now, I guess you can't sleep, there is a thread for people who can't sleep if you want to join in). I can understand your complete frustration at your situation, it must seem like a bad dream. All I can say is that perhaps your husband wasn't the man you thought he was and you are almost grieving for him as if he had died. It really takes time to get through this but you will. There are lots of threads on here of women who felt just as desperate and awful as you, but now feel better and have got their lives back again.

If you feel truly desperate late at night, don't sit alone, you can chat to the Samaritans, I have called them when feeling utterly awful and they are so lovely and will just listen to you, so don't be afraid to call, they are there all night:
08457 90 90 90

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 12-Apr-13 07:24:26

Unfortunately, he has checked out of the marriage ages ago, mentally and emotionally and you have just been landed with this devastating bombshell.

You need to let him go. Keep your dignity and don't cling or beg otherwise he will lose all respect for you.

Focus on getting real life support and rebuilding your life.

LadyLapsang Fri 12-Apr-13 07:35:24

About to dash off to work but just wanted to say take care of yourself and get some help - Relate (and other counselling services) will see people on their own. You could self-refer to Relate or see your GP for a referal to more general counselling. Agree with Mumsyblouse, the Samaratins will always listen and see you through the night (& day) if you need them - they should also be able to point you in the direction of other help. Best wishes to you and your children.

Hi, a sad situation.

A lot to come to terms with.

How old are the dc?

Talking on here could be really helpful as could rl help. Do you talk with friends and family? Have you considered counselling which could be a good place to talk and figure things out?

deliasmithy Fri 12-Apr-13 08:36:48

If you get charged for an offence then I would recommend legal advice. Sorry you've had such a hard time.

dolallymum Fri 12-Apr-13 08:50:57

So sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time.
I would recommend going and speaking to your GP. They can provide you with lots of advice and refer you to organisations and other profesionals that can help you.
Do you have any other family, or friends, around to help and support you? If so please let them help.
I know how hard it is for someone that is normally so strong to accept help from others but there are times, like this, that you need to let them in, and be open and honest with them.
I know it won't seem like it now, but one day you will be happy again, without your loser of a husband who sounds to get a kick out of putting you down and controlling you still.
It's time to put an end to that, and show him how strong you are, get some help, and show him what he has lost.
Take care, and hope you start to feel better soon.

Matilda74 Fri 12-Apr-13 08:56:37

I am really picking myself up but it's hard when he blames me for everything and seems so angry with me. He is hurting the children by hurting me. They are 16 adhd, 14 and 7 with Autism. They are shocked and don't want to see him and this must be making him mad. I will never do anything stupid again so I don't want anyone to worry. I am trying really hard to avoid him but we live in a shop and its ours so he is working next door everyday. I just wanted someone to talk too as its been so confusing.

pumpkinsweetie Fri 12-Apr-13 09:04:56

He was a big part of your life, 20 years is a long time no wonder you reacted the way you did. Sorry you are going through this op, and please don't go believing this is a mid-life crisis, he knew full well what he was doing.
Don't feel sorry for him, he doesn't deserve sympathy and don't feel sorry for yourself either as he has done you a favour by leaving. Any man worth their salt wouldn't chuck 20yrs away just like that.
You will feel better in time, even if not now.
Never beg for him to come back, hold your head high and move with your life.
Happiness is the best revenge, he is truly not worth thinking about by what you have described.
Goodluck op with your new future thanks

Matilda74 Fri 12-Apr-13 09:07:45

Thankyou x

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 09:42:17

When you have no clue that your partner/husband is playing away from home or thinking of doing a disappearing act it comes as a huge shock when you find out the truth. He's probably had a few months or longer to get used to the idea of leaving the family, you've had five minutes to process the information. You'll blame yourself, think the world is ending and be very confused. Even worse, it's very hard to switch off all the feelings you've built up for someone over 20 years... you want to hate them but that doesn't come straight away. BTW I seriously doubt it's a mid-life crisis and more a very selfish 'grass is greener' situation on his part. Very common, unfortunately.

All you can do is be with people who love you, do things that make you happy, take care of yourself and then get some really good legal advice on how to surgically remove this man from your life. You deserve much better. Good luck

myroomisatip Fri 12-Apr-13 09:47:10

I am sorry this has happened to you and I feel so angry on your behalf.

Definitely get lots of legal advice and start divorce proceedings!

Orchidlady Fri 12-Apr-13 10:13:37

I agree with cog mid life crisis my ass, more like selfish asshole thinking grass in greener. I can completely understand your anger and the pain, the fact a 20 year long relationship has ended is bad enough but his behaviour sounds utterly vile. My X walked away after 20 years only 7 weeks ago and although he had done some stupid things nothing on your X's scale, if had done I think I also would have been tempted to kick him in the balls. Anyway girly you need to stop playing his game, get out there ans show everyyone you can cope. Go and buy yourself a new outfit, get your hair done, start living your life, you do not need this sub human being. Keep posted here it has been so helpful to me, you will get great support.

eatmydust Fri 12-Apr-13 10:27:06

I am so sorry- he is such a shithead.

I agree with cognito too. He had checked out on your family, all processed in his head, he just wasn't enough of a man to talk it through with you.

The man you loved has gone and there is a different unpleasant person in his place. It's not fair, it's not right but it's happened. And it does happen a lot.

You have to be strong now for your DCs and to show him that you are so much better than him and his OW. Please see your GP and please take legal advice if you haven't already.

It does get better - it really really does. I have been there.

You do not deserve this. You do not need this loser in your life.

Matilda74 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:31:07

If he has got what he wants why in the hell isn't he happy ? I have lost four stone in four months and put my makeup on and he says I'm ugly :0) he should look in the mirror at his permenant scowl !

forumdonkey Fri 12-Apr-13 12:05:45

If he has got what he wants why in the hell isn't he happy ? I have lost four stone in four months and put my makeup on and he says I'm ugly

Your weight loss and make up are obviously getting to him, thats probably why he's not happy ;-) he sounds very bitter now.

You go girl, treat yourself to some nice new clothes, do your hair and make up. Not only will it make you feel a bit better about yourself, it'll piss him off no end knowing you are looking good and facing the future as a hotter more confident SINGLE you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 12:07:04

Who cares why he's not happy? This isn't about him any more, it's about what's best for you. I'm not quite up to speed with the living arrangements. You say he works in the shop and your accommodation is next-door. Is he still living with you?

Matilda74 Fri 12-Apr-13 12:09:55

No way, he is living at a friends.

Matilda74 Fri 12-Apr-13 12:16:40

Thankyou for talking to me it really helps because I know what I think and if I go near him he almost convinces me of his lies and it's really confusing. I just know I need to stay away from him as I feel so much better. I have been in some kind of cycle the past few months being shocked, upset and angry. Everytime I go round it gets less. I am ready to just let it all go. I don't want to waste my energy feeling negative stuff as I am actually a happy person usually. You are right it's not about him :0)

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 12:32:35

I think there's something about being a happy person that makes inadequate, selfish types resentful. I expect that's why he's miserable, hurling insults and throwing blame around. Not content with breaking your heart, some people want to break your spirit with it. Drag you down to their level.

You're right to observe that it's cyclical by the way.... it's the grief process. You'll alternate between good days and bad days, days where things look clearer and days when you're right back to square one. Staying away from him really helps. On good days, try to make the most of it and take a few steps forward. On bad days just look after yourself, conserve your energy and wait for it to pass. Eventually the good days will outnumber the bad days.

overtheraenbow Fri 12-Apr-13 17:05:14

Poor you Matilda74. Listen to yourself and see this man for what he is. Would you treat anyone you loved this way, no! That makes you the better person would you really want to be back with a person who could treat you so coldly? Thats the one thing I have found about the new partner thinghell would have to freeze over before I took my ex back now. I can see ( after 5 months) what this man was really like, now too can you.
Keep busy, get the legal stuff sorted, you will come round a corner and the good days if not outnunmber the bad ones (yet) will start to equal and then you will think ooh a whole day when I didn't think about it and cry/ feel crap! I am also just getting to that point.
Go out with friends, family and the kids and try to do something to make you feel better.
I like you have lost 4 stone and look better and he a middle aged man! Put on your lippy and smile ( I thought the other day now I know what that song 'Tears of a clown ' really means!!) xx

eatmydust Fri 12-Apr-13 18:59:44

It isn't about him at all. He has treated you with appalling cruelty and then when he pushed you over the edge he presses charges against you.

I do think no contact is a good idea, but it will be difficult for you if he works so close. Do not believe what this man says about you - you are worth so much more than that.

Matilda74 Sun 14-Apr-13 11:24:06

I think I knew he had a nasty spiteful streak and because I was his wife that I wouldn't even see it used against me.

Joy5 Sun 14-Apr-13 13:42:06

Hi Matilda74
I'm in exactly the same boat as you, just 18 months further on. Only difference is our eldest son died unexpectedly, and our middle son is aspergers, and we'd been together longer.
Ex has someone else, but looks as miserable as anything, havn't seen him in person for nearly a year, but he drove past me a few days ago. The past few months i've got a bit obsessed about walking our dog further and further, now 2 to 3 hours at a time. I'm a bit addictited to how good i feel after a long walk smile
Been told over past few months what a state me ex is in. But he's made his choice to destroy what was left of our family, i could never trust him to live with our two youngest sons again due to his out of control anger in the past 2 years.
All i can say is take all the advice given above, it does get easier. Still have bad times every day, but the good times are increasing.
Who knows if its a mid life crisis or not, but some people (men) run away from grief, or think they do, takes them a very long time to realise they havn't escaped it, its gone with them, all they've done is increase their problems by adding to them.
Stay strong for your children, they will never forgive their father for leaving them, but they will appreciate the parent who has stayed with them and been there for them no matter what. Don't let your ex knock you back down, when i saw mine on Friday i stared him full in the face until he'd drived past me. Took a long time to be brave enough to do that, i always looked away in the past because of the nasty looks he was given me, but the feeling of doing it was incredible. He no longer has the power to intimidate me, you'll get to where i am now one day, it might take a while, but you'll do xxx

Matilda74 Sun 14-Apr-13 14:41:36

Thank you xx it's so weird that he is so angry and looks unhappy when he did it all. I know the next thing is the children and my daughter and son don't want to see him and are teenagers so its up to them what they choose and I've told them one day they might want to see him and they can. He can't see by hurting me he is upsetting them. He has blocked them on Facebook etc and is only interested in our smallest son who is autistic and can be moulded. At the moment he says he doesn't want to see his dad when I ask but he is only seven and saying what he hears the other children say. Not sure what to do about that :0/

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