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Please help me be the better person because Im really struggling.

(8 Posts)
OHforDUCKScake Thu 11-Apr-13 22:25:43

I posted a few weeks ago under an a NC, but Im coming back with my usual name and the true details (changed a few for anonymity).

I have 2 children 2 and 6. I have their father who I met 13 years ago when I was 17. I recently split with him after having the veil finally taken off my eyes, and seeing that his excuses not to move it with, nor marry me (nor sleep in the same bed, hello?!) were never going to change. He was here every night, he was with us in every sense of the word, but not with me.

Fuck it Ive had enough, except he lives in a caravan and this isnt going to change and we have no family near by and we have a toddler with serious health problems so basically, I have to deal with him seeing the kids here or not at all. Obviously I would never choose the latter.

Except this is where I struggle, and please help me.
Im ruining the kids weekends with hating him and arguing with him. In my head I want a clean split, I want him to fuck off with his own space and grow the hell up but it wont happen so this is in my head and my voice us trying to keep happy and neutral

Doesnt happen. He does stuff like, just nod when I ask or tell him something, deliberately, sulkily not look up and silently nod, even if its me conversing about the kids. Ive told him it winds me up, please stop doing it (its a new thing) so stop it. He continues, i bite thus end up shouting at the plank.

The latest, this week we've been getting on, Ive had a word with myself, its about the kids right? Except Ive just found out that hes deleted and blocked me from fb, just when I thought we were getting on he deletes me from fb yet comes to my fucking house each day.

I dont know why this makes me rage but it does, we NEED to try and keep as much peace and friendship as we can salvage because of the situation we are in yet it severs that huge line.

I know the obvious suggestions would be to take the kids out to here there and everywhere instead of being in together, but unfortunately our youngest childs serious health issues dont permit it. It will be easier when th weather improves and they can all play outside but until then.

Fuck. My eldest is really sensitive, I feel like we're really fucking him up. Its not constant arguments by any means but its one a weekend which is terrible!!

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 12-Apr-13 00:40:34


WafflyVersatile Fri 12-Apr-13 01:34:30

the fb decision is probably a good one which will improve your chances of having some sort of friendly relationship. You are not friends. Maybe you will be one day. communicate by email or phone.

i don't know about the rest. Try to have him out of the house as much as possible. Is there a particular reason why the kids can't stay at the caravan sometimes?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 10:02:03

My suggestion would be that you try to formalise the contact arrangements legally so that it is more convenient for you and doesn't throw you together so much. Is he expecting to come over every weekend, because that sounds like it's not working at all?

freddiemisagreatshag Fri 12-Apr-13 10:06:24

I have no useful advice except {{hugs}}

My ex does the looking at the ground kicking weeds, ignoring me thing when I am trying to discuss the kids and it winds me up to FUCK.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 12-Apr-13 20:50:45

Thanks for your replies.

Waffly, the caravan is miniscule, but also dark and fully of ex's work stuff which is covered in cemen dust and all kindsa crap. And tonnes of tools.

Tbh, even if the caravan was bigger, and didnt have work stuff in it, I simply couldnt expect a 2 year old to be stuck inside a caravan. Not to mention how utterly freezing it is at night. Ex totally agrees with this btw.

cogito what would change if we did things legally? We have no money to go down the legal route, and Id feel like we'd utterly failed if we came to that.

The only thing I can think of right now is to fake it till you make it, so I text him just now and said how about we make a pact to make effort with one another. At the end of the day, we'd both like to divide like normal split couples but we cant so we just need to make good of a shite situation, fake it till you make it hey?

Hes not replied yet but hes with a friend at the moment.

The annoying thing is, when we get along I love his company (as a friend) and we have a great giggle together.

And we'll be like that most of the day then he'll do something like suddenly snap at me or get a short fuse or I will and it suddenly goes tits up. Then half an hour later we feel guilty, so make an effort again and get on fine.

Its just such a fuck up of a situation and honestly I worry about when it will change, I cant see it being different in a year. The youngest has complex health problems so he cant just take him off to his mums like he sometimes did when our eldest was the same age.

PurpleThing Fri 12-Apr-13 21:29:28

Sounds like a nightmare. Even having to spend a few minutes in my ex's company is bad enough, I could not stand him coming and spending time here routinely.

Is he able to manage dc2 on his own?

You need a break to get your head together. Can you go out when he comes to see them? Cinema, reading in the library, go out with friends, gym, shopping, anything? Perhaps just temporarily.

Dcs might benefit from time on their own with each of you, so he could take dc1 out on his own and another day you could go out with dc1 leaving him to it? I also can't see this getting better if it continues how it is.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 12-Apr-13 21:46:22

Oh for sure I go out. I have a 2 hour limit though. Or rather my understandably clingy youngest DC has a two hour limit without me before its melt down. He quites quite hysterical which makes the bloomin health ishoos worse.

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