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Shit 'family' situation

(19 Posts)
BattlingYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 21:04:49

Two years ago my (paternal) Gran was diagnosed with lung cancer. It hit everyone hard but not as hard as this week. On Sunday, my dad took her to a&e with speech problems, they admitted her and we have now found out that the cancer has spread an she has a brain tumour.

It has been a horrific few days, with lots of uncertainty and tears. My dad hasn't spoken to me in about a year (his decision) but has now said to my aunty (my only contact with the family except my Gran) that he won't go to the hospital if I am there.

In all honesty I expected nothing less, but it still hurts he can be like this especially while his mum is in the situation she is. This past few days have ripped me apart in all honesty, nothing feels real, I'm crying so much.

My Gran has three children (dad, uncle and aunty) Dad has three children, I am the only one who stayed in contact over the last few years and I think he wanted me to stop speaking to my Gran too (bizarre) Uncle has two children who have nothing to do with my Gran for many reasons (none to do with my Gran) and my Aunty has none. Out of five, I am the only grandchild to stay in touch and he can't leave his shit at the door for five minutes for me to see her!

I do have people to talk to but due to a lot of things, my mum is not all that interested, my sister and brother haven't seen her in years and years and my mum's mum can be quite spiteful. I feel quite on my own in this, I live in another town and can't get there so easily an feel like I have to justify me being there anyway, to a lot of people.

Sorry for rambling, I hope some of it makes sense, it doesn't to me very much, like everything else at the minute.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:27:54

I am really sorry to hear how much hurt this is causing you, but in all honesty, if you feel this strongly and I think you do, I would be getting my arse up there to see her at least once whether your Dad liked it or not.

I doubt he is going to start a row if you are both up there, and if he is there then he can go get a cup of tea and leave you in peace for a few minutes.

You haved to weigh up the guilt and pain of never seeing her before she passes, vs up setting a Dad who sounds to be honest like he would be pissed off no matter what you do.

I would be very selfish about this and do what you need or want to do, this could be your last chance dont let him take it away from you, you could feel even worse if you dont.

all the best

BattlingYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 22:39:59

thanks guilty

I went up yesterday and I'm hoping to back on Saturday. It's not easy because I work shifts and have a 5yo ds but it's working for the minute. I'm going to have a chat with my manager at work tomorrow about more flexible shifts for a little while so fingers crossed.

He knows I've been and this is why he's said it. It wasn't even him that contacted me to tell me about my Granny, it was my Aunty (bless her!) I just feel quite....everyone knows he wants nothing to do with me (my db and dsis cut contact a while back and I think he just didn't want any contact from this side of the family at all) but there was no need for him to say it.

I am really struggling to get my head around everything that's happened. A week ago my Granny was walking, talking (except the obvious lung cancer) was fine. Now she is struggling to walk (shuffling) and we can't understand a word she says an she's only 66!! It just doesn't feel real at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 09:51:15

Sorry your Gran is so poorly but do keep going to see her. This isn't about him, this is about a woman who is very ill needing support & you needing to spend time with someone you're close to. If he can't bury the hatchet at a time like this, he's pretty pathetic.

BattlingYonis Sun 14-Apr-13 22:57:32

Thank you for your replies. These past few days have passed in a blur to be honest. I've been already been to the hospital (he wasn't going to stop me going). Going back up tomorrow evening. Palliative care are visiting tomorrow and they have fitted a sub cut for a syringe driver. It's all just hitting home at the minute and I'm a mess sad . Everything feels quite dream-like and not real and I know it's only going to get harder.

Lavenderhoney Mon 15-Apr-13 06:19:49

I feel very sorry for you, how awful. Can you call the matron or head nurse on the ward and explain a little? As she may be able to ok you coming outside hours, if they have those in the ward your gran is on? You can say your df is adamant he doesn't want to see you and you want to see your gran. And you dont want a scene.

I think under the circs they will be more than helpful.

BattlingYonis Mon 15-Apr-13 08:14:16

My aunty is letting me know when he's going to be there so I can go at different times so it's not too bad. I know I will have to see him at some point but I just hope he can be reasonable (delusion?). They've stopped restrictions on visiting anyway for us because of her condition so hopefully that will give everyone a chance to see her and make sure someone is always there. Thank you so much Lavender there's not much else I can do, I just hope he can keep a lid on it for my Granny's sake if nothing else. He doesn't speak to his brother (my uncle) either, everything's just so fraught and awkward.

Lavenderhoney Mon 15-Apr-13 11:16:05

As you say, there are more important things at the moment. If you see him I expect he might ignore you or rant- grief as well perhaps?
What a hard time for you all. At least your aunt is helping you, but please talk to the nurse as well, just in case he appears when you are there.

Just take each day as it comes and do your best.

I think there is PALS too, could they help with making sure you get all the right info?

BattlingYonis Mon 15-Apr-13 12:40:59

Family have been called in, its just a waiting game now. I'm on my way over buy know he's there. Really wish this I could change all of this sad

captainmummy Mon 15-Apr-13 14:41:11

good luck yonis. It's hard, but afterwards you won't need to see any of them, and doubt you'll want to. They all sound a bit like my family - no-one likes anyone else! I avoid most of them all too.

Lavenderhoney Wed 17-Apr-13 12:24:12

How is your gran, op?

BattlingYonis Wed 17-Apr-13 14:08:26

sad she passed away about 2am this morning

captainmummy Wed 17-Apr-13 15:00:04

Sorry to hear that Yonis.

Lavenderhoney Wed 17-Apr-13 20:56:34

I'm sorry about that. I hope it was peaceful. Take care of yourself ( flowers)

maidmarian2012 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:57:45

Iv just stumbled upon this thread OP and im saddened to read of your Grans passing sad

BattlingYonis Wed 17-Apr-13 21:47:36

Thank you all, this week has quite possibly been the worst I've been through. It doesn't feel real at all. Still not heard from Dad. He was with her when she went (yes thankfully peaceful) think I might text him, just unsure how it will be received and I don't want to cause any upset. Regardless of what has happened he has had to deal with so much.

captainmummy Thu 18-Apr-13 08:50:04

That would be a nice thought Yonis, but from what you've said, i'm not sure it would be receivedin the spirit in which it was sent. Still, you can try.
Hope you are ok.

BattlingYonis Thu 18-Apr-13 09:16:42

I messaged him, got a reply which was curt but nice. Hope he took it the right way, I spent a long time wording it. I'm doing ok just feel quite numb. I'm either walking around like a zombie or bawling like a baby.

captainmummy Thu 18-Apr-13 11:09:56

that's normal i guess. glad your df wasn't horrible to you.

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