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Don't know what to do

(23 Posts)
StuckInTheMud12 Thu 11-Apr-13 18:51:20

Honest opinions please and feel free to tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself if that's what you really think.

I'm 24, still live with parents and have absolutely no friends anymore.
At the moment my days consist of waking up, spending a few hours on the internet, watching some tv and going to bed. Most of the time I don't leave the house and over the last two weeks its been getting worse and I find myself having to force myself to get out of the house. Usually just taking the dog for a walk which I've done today.

Haven't had a job since before christmas which obviously hasn't helped much but I was offered one a couple of weeks ago and just need to wait for all the checks and references to get sorted before I can start. I'm still looking just in case it doesn't work out.

I don't have the best relationship with my parents so spend pretty much all of my time in the bedroom, the only time I go downstairs at all is when they are at work. The relationship is something that can't be fixed, they don't accept i'm gay and have become incredibly distant since finding out. Its not a recent thing.

I basically feel like I have no life and I don't know how to get out of it. The lack of friends isn't down to arguments, it was the realisation that I was making all the effort and it wasn't a real friendship. No one has contacted me so I haven't contacted them either, it may seem petty but i'd rather not have people like that in my life.

I have absolutely no confidence as you can probably guess but I want more than just sitting in my bedroom doing nothing all the time. I want friends who I can talk to and who I can go out with, I don't want much.

awkwardsis Thu 11-Apr-13 18:58:30

It's entirely possible that your friends are waiting for you to contact them. If I were you, I'd swallow my pride and make the first move. Your situation does sound awful though, could you not move in with a friend til you find somewhere more permanent? Living with homophobic parents will be making everything worse. And please do go to your gp if you think you may be depressed. You sign off saying you want more than sitting in your room so my advice is this: the world isn't going to come looking for you. You need to get up and get out. Even just a walk every day, a qk visit to a local shop will get you out and you'll start seeing familiar faces to say good morning to. A new job is always a great opportunity to meet new friends so good luck with that.

StrangeGlue Thu 11-Apr-13 19:03:13

Hey, I couldn't read and run. You sound really depressed so maybe a chat with your gp, Samaritans or similar would help.

How you feel really speaks to me as I've been there.

Once you've got a job could you move out? Finding somewhere on gumtree and moving in with some people your age might help.

Even if your friends have been crap are there any who are less crap/least crap you could get back in touch with. Are any flaky but worth the effort? I have sometimes found someone is better than no one.

Do come on here and chat - it helps!

Now I'm out of my depth here but are there gay websites etc which can help you with meeting people and dealing with your folks?

Good luck and keep posting

babyradio Thu 11-Apr-13 19:05:19

I'm sorry - it's rubbish feeling lonely.

You don't mention if you have been to uni or anything, if so you can usually get involved with alumni events, if you haven't you could do a college course? It doesn't have to be anything hardgoing you can do photography evening classes or languages at any level, all sorts of things. Some places offer free classes, it's something I was looking into recently. A lot of gyms do discounted rates if you are on benefits (including JSA) and regular exercise is a good way of feeling better when you're down.

I see you have been offered a job, and if that all works out you will probably find things pick up naturally. Will you be able to afford to move out? Depending on your income you may be able to claim some housing benefit to help towards rent.

I do think you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself a little bit, sitting in your room won't change things. BUT you have taken a step to try and change it by asking for advice, and though you don't say this outright, as you haven't had a job for a while - I understand you're probably not in a great position financially which is stressful in itself.

Ultimately you do have to make sacrifices sometimes to keep friends, or compromises might be a better word. There usually is one person driving the friendship at differing times, as we get older it's natural to grow apart a bit.

Could you also consider volunteering? I'm not sure what your interests are but recently I was looking into volunteering with a local befriending service. Help the Aged run something like this, it provides companionship for the elderly, people who are housebound and so on - you might get as much out of it as they would, you can give as much time to it as you choose and there will be other volunteers to get to know. Sometimes doing something good for another person can pick you up when you're down too.

I hope this has helped a little bit and that things do pick up.

babyradio Thu 11-Apr-13 19:07:20

p.s forgot to add - if you are worried things are getting too much then talk to your GP, they will be able to help smile

StuckInTheMud12 Thu 11-Apr-13 19:27:56

Thanks for the advice so far.

I spoke to one friend in February, we arranged to meet up and they cancelled at the last minute. I was there waiting for them. Even though I text them after that I never heard anything since which I take to mean they aren't interested.
I always make the first move and I don't want those people in my life anymore.

Moving out can't be done until July at the earliest as I have to pay my car off, getting rid of it isn't an option. But its something that I am definitely going to do as soon as I can.

I have been looking into some kind of course, my new job does a specialist kind of therapy and I'm really hoping that I can do that with them. I want to wait to see if that works out before committing to anything else because I'm also doing an open uni course and I'm worried I won't have enough time to do them all. The college course doesn't start until September so I have quite a bit of time to get it sorted.

I'm not on any kind of benefits so wouldn't get the discounted rate for the gym, £30 a month is too much for me at the moment which is a shame as I really enjoy swimming.

I've accepted the way my parents are, there's nothing that can be done about it. It is what it is.

babyradio Thu 11-Apr-13 19:34:18

From what you say it does sound like things will pick up naturally in their own time with starting work, and when you do move out I'm sure this is what you're thinking anyway but maybe try a houseshare so you can meet new people that way.

By the sounds of it you are doing all the right things it just hasn't clicked yet.

You do sound quite down though, there's always someone around on here to talk to in the meantime.

StuckInTheMud12 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:13:53

That's what I am hoping will happen, I'll just have to wait and see I suppose.

Tryharder Thu 11-Apr-13 20:16:55

Sign on and start looking properly for a job (if new job doesn't materialise) or consider returning to full time education.

In the meantime, get out of the house every day and do something meaningful - classes, college, voluntary work etc

Do some exercise every day- a walk, run, swim, exercise DVD.

Set yourself small goals. Vow to talk to at least 4 new people in one day. Take steps to build bridges with your parents. Cook a new dish. Join the library.

StuckInTheMud12 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:27:59

As much as I would love to, full time education is out. I've dropped out once before because I couldn't afford it hence open university.
I've spent the last few months looking for a job, this will be the third that I have been offered so I haven't been lazy in looking for one.

Its the actual getting out of the house that is a major struggle right now. Two weeks ago I would quite happily go out walking for at least 2 hours, I went earlier and didn't even manage 20 minutes. There is no purpose to it, I think that's why I'm struggling a lot with it. And I don't go to the same places all the time. I very rarely see anyone else out so i don't even get the chance to talk to people that way.

babyradio Thu 11-Apr-13 21:46:02

You have to give it a purpose. It's not quite the same but I've been struggling with pre-natal depression since early in my pregnancy, ultimately I can see all the nurses and counsellors in the world, but if I don't drag myself out of the door and do something on the days where I feel I can, I will continue feeling crap. It's taken a while but now I'm spending less days in bed lamenting my sorry situation, and more days out doing something. I'm not trying to be flippant but that is what works for me.

Go to a museum, library, art gallery, beach, park, castle or whatever. Obviously I don't know where you live and no idea what's around you, but I'd find it hard to believe there would truly be nothing to do. Believe me I KNOW how easy it is to say it and how hard it can be to do, but you have to. That's the top and bottom of it, you're the only person who can give things a purpose.

Naebother Thu 11-Apr-13 21:51:32

Sorry to hear you're struggling just now. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in.

You have to make yourself go out. Every day.
Baby radio is right and has some good suggestions.
Can you do some volunteering? That would get you out the house, meeting new people.
You need to look outward and take action.
Things will get better

StuckInTheMud12 Thu 11-Apr-13 22:01:29

Walks are the only thing to do around here really, everything else is quite far away. I'm 10 miles from the nearest town which is very basic anyway and I don't want to be going there every day because I can't afford it to be honest.

I do need to get out more and I'm going to try and go somewhere tomorrow, even if its just for an hour.

Volunteering isn't an option no, my job will involve working over 24 hours and there are no set shifts so its very difficult to commit.

JambalayaCodfishPie Fri 12-Apr-13 09:54:18

It seems like an awful lot is riding on this job, and its stopping you from doing anything in the meantime.

Can you speak to them and find out how much longer until you start?

swallowedAfly Fri 12-Apr-13 10:01:11

have you ever been on the gingerbeer website? it could be a good way to make new friends. they do meet ups all over the place and maybe you can get some support about your parents not accepting your being gay as well as you'd hope.

have you tried talking to your parents by the way?

StuckInTheMud12 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:22:40

I spoke to my job at the beginning of last week, they said they were hoping to get me started this week and they would give me a ring but that depended on my checks coming back. They can't give me a definite start date until they have that.

No, i've never been on that website but from what I've seen so far it looks pretty good. I've been looking for that kind of thing for a while but somehow that has never come up.

Speaking to my parents gets me nowhere.

swallowedAfly Fri 12-Apr-13 12:01:36

as far as i know it is a really friendly community stuckinthemud and very good for not just online support but for finding groups of new friends etc.

StuckInTheMud12 Fri 12-Apr-13 12:54:04

Its not too bad, mainly based in London but thats the same everywhere really.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Apr-13 13:25:57

You sound awfully depressed, OP, and I think you could do with some help to get you going again. I went to my doctor when I felt like that and she gave me some anti-depressants (which I was opposed to at the time) but they made me able to stop worrying and to stop focusing on negative thoughts.

Why aren't you signing on? You should be getting something for being unemployed and you would then have the right to go swimming etc at no cost. Do you rely on your parents for money? That must be very hard if you do, given you and they have a poor relationship.

You are lucky you have a dog - I would have thought that would give you an incentive to go for a walk. It's hard to just go for a walk on your own, but surely the dog would like that if you would take him/her out a couple of times a day?

irokurok Fri 12-Apr-13 13:36:20

Wanting to change is where it starts. Some great advice on here! I've dropped friends before because I felt rejected as I was always the one arranging things, then regretted it as I was lonely. It's so hard, but you have to get back out there and meet new people. Even with variable shifts and living in the countryside there are friend-making opportunities out there... How about online dating, but put in your profile that you are after friendship? Or volunteering somewhere which can be flexible around your shifts? I think you need to meet a lot of people to find and develop true deep friendships xx

StuckInTheMud12 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:15:41

Going to the gp is the last thing I want to do. I would rather do it on my own.

I quit, had another offer in place so wasn't such a stupid idea, and you can only claim 6 months after quitting. But I don't rely on anyone else for money.

The dog doesn't actually like going out for a walk, I can't really drag them out of the house either.

I don't regret dropping them, them not contacting me proves they weren't bothered about the friendship.

swallowedAfly Fri 12-Apr-13 15:29:47

if you're living with your mum and dad you are relying on them for money - roof over your head, bills, food presumably. not having a go just meaning keep in touch with reality.

Flobbadobs Fri 12-Apr-13 15:40:57

You seem to be inadvertently building walls to stop yourself feeling better at the moment.
Ok you managed a 20 minute walk last time. Next time make it 25 or give yourself a distance to target. Make the time you spend on the internet useful, read up on something that interests you and will make you think or something that you don't know much about and read up on that.
Next time you go into town find a charity shop and look at the dvd section. I can guarantee you will find an exercise one, they are always there! (Or I can send you the dance workout dvd that I did once and never again, bastard thing almost killed me grin)
Tiny steps made slowly are better. And please at least keep seeing your GP in the back of your mind. There is no shame in admitting you need a bit of extra help.

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