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Don't feel myself with DP

(30 Posts)
SchmancyPants Thu 11-Apr-13 16:30:19

I wasn't sure how to word the title but I feel as though something isn't right in my relationship. I am a chatty person and when I am with friends we always chat about ourselves, other people, ideas, feelings, anything really. However when I am with DP, also female, I am really quiet. We will ask each other how our day was (although DP didn't use to ask me- she used to say she shouldn't need to ask and I should just tell her stuff) but then lapse into silence and watch TV or play on our phones. We are both teachers so we often have work to do as well.

Over the course of a normal evening, I will often spontaneously want to talk to DP but because and is busy, I always call her name first to get her attention. She will often not reply. I wait a good 30 secs and then call her name again. Invariably her response is WHAT?! in an aggressive tone. This then makes me feel as though I don't want to talk. So often, I just don't.

Most evenings, I ring my elderly parents to see how they are and we have a quick chat. At other times, I go on mumsnet. DP however seems to resent this and complains that I tell my parents more than her or that I am 'on the Internet with strangers' instead of talking to her- but how can I talk to her when she is so difficult to talk to?

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Apr-13 16:44:16

How long have you been together? Has she always been like this? I was just thinking that if I moved in with someone and in the first week she was like that, I'd think I'd made a mistake.

Does she spontaneously chat to you?

It sounds a pretty miserable relationship. Are there just the two of you there or do you have children together?

Lueji Thu 11-Apr-13 16:50:26

Do you have any time when you can actually talk to each other? Say during dinner, for example?

SchmancyPants Thu 11-Apr-13 16:52:36

We have been together 8 years. I know we used to talk more but things have been like this for a good while now. DSD(18) lives with us but is often in her room.

DP does chat to me, but usually only about herself. She doesn't really ask many questions or if she does, will not follow them up. The conversation doesn't feel very relaxed or spontaneous at times.

SchmancyPants Thu 11-Apr-13 16:53:51

We watch TV during dinner. I would prefer not to but we always have.

SchmancyPants Thu 11-Apr-13 16:56:40

We have been together 8 years. I know we used to talk more but things have been like this for a good while now. DSD(18) lives with us but is often in her room.

DP does chat to me, but usually only about herself. She doesn't really ask many questions or if she does, will not follow them up. The conversation doesn't feel very relaxed or spontaneous at times.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 11-Apr-13 16:56:51

You need to make time to sit down and talk to each other.
Without phones or anything.
We used to have a family evening where we would get together and play games, cards, or board games and no TV all night.
It worked really well.
Do you have dinner together and talk?
Have you told her how you feel about this?
I think it's time for a discussion and putting plans in place to be with each other more!

SchmancyPants Thu 11-Apr-13 16:58:56

Whoops sorry for double post. I would like to make time to talk but when we, say, go out for dinner to spend time together, we are often quite silent. It's just that it's so different from my usual self IYSWIM- it seems weird.

Lueji Thu 11-Apr-13 17:04:33

I think you need to have that quiet time daily, because otherwise you may lose that feeling of intimacy that is necessary to have chit chat.

WarmFuzzyFun Thu 11-Apr-13 17:04:35

Are you happy/contented? Do you feel close to your DP?

TheYoniKeeper Thu 11-Apr-13 17:14:20

sorry to hear that OP.

Me & DP occasionally wander into 'dinner in silence' territory but one of us tends to point this out when it happens & we try to cut down on phone/tv/laptop time so we get that intimacy/connection back.

Just have a good, proper chat with your DP about how you're feeling. be as honest as you can. It may be easier to fix than you think. I hope it is thanks

TheYoniKeeper Thu 11-Apr-13 17:15:29

Definitely agree with the quiet time daily, so you feel connected & like you both know where the other person's at, if you see what I mean.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 17:38:38

Does it feel as if her attention is not really there? As if she is thinking about something else?

If so, I'd offer two explanations

- stress/depression - can cause a great deal of preoccupation with one's own thoughts.
- she is thinking about someone else.


It could be that nothing is majorly wrong and you have simply drifted and become a bit "semi-detached" .

Either way, I think you do need to tell her that you would like to change the dynamic in the evenings. DH and I started to get uncommunicative a while back and addressed it by always eating together. Also, popping out to the pub for a quick drink - just a short time - should be easy for you with an older DC in the house.

If she is resistant to this then I think you have a more serious problem that just drifting

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 17:40:46

The bad temper you describe could be the result of worries/depression - irritability can be a symptom.

It could also be - I hope not - guilt.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 17:42:52

Sorry me again

When I said eating together, I meant at the table, not in front of the TV (we always eat together!)

TheYoniKeeper Thu 11-Apr-13 17:52:01

^ must say, when I'm stressed to hell I have a habit of bottling it up and being a bit stand-offish by accident.

My DP said I either had to let him know what I was worrying about (he used to worry it was him) or not be so cut-off. I had no idea I was coming across like that & hadn't really thought about how little of my 'worries' I was telling him.

It may be a case of just making your DP aware of it. I hope it's just a case of them not realizing and nothing more sinister.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 17:54:41


I am like that too smile

So much better to just say it

TheYoniKeeper Thu 11-Apr-13 18:03:35

Yes it is!

It's much better now but I'd never have probably fully realized or changed it if the poor bloke hadn't said something smile

TheYoniKeeper Thu 11-Apr-13 18:06:09

(meant to ask OP if DP has ever been prone to getting 'down' or being a worrier. I'm sort of the 'type' to get a bit tightly wound. If not then a talk might reveal any other reasons for the slight rift)

SchmancyPants Thu 11-Apr-13 18:55:44

Thanks for the replies smile it could be stress but it seems to have been going on for so long now. And to the poster that asked (sorry, on phone so can't scroll up to see your name)- no, I'm not very happy. It isn't really companionable silence, just silence sad

TheYoniKeeper Thu 11-Apr-13 19:11:13

Sorry to hear that OP.

I suppose all you can do is let DP know exactly how you're feeling then take it from there, depending on their response.

have a wine for good luck!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 19:15:33

Do you think it is possible she is having an affair?

rufussmum Thu 11-Apr-13 19:17:17

I have a DP who says he is 'not a talker'. We only have weekends together as he works away but after ten minutes of 'how was your week?' etc he doesn't have anything to say to me. No anecdotes, gossip, news, jokes - nothing. I am naturally gregarious and love conversation and a good robust argument about anything really (not a row, I mean an exchange of views).
He also drives in silence, for hours unless I say something. It is not a companionable silence and it makes me feel v depressed and lonely. So I do know what you mean OP. And he watches TV in silence, for hours.

SchmancyPants Thu 11-Apr-13 19:17:42

Jamie- no, am certain she isn't. I would like to meet the teacher who has time for an affair! I trust her, just feel sad about the lack if communication.

TheYoniKeeper Thu 11-Apr-13 19:19:24

^ I agree with rufus

it is hard when you're a clash of personalities.

I'm quiet with people I don't know but I love to chat, have a giggle etc & my DP can slip a little, which makes me feel like there's less of a bond. I always say how I'm feeling though, and he picks up the slack (or vice versa if it's me).

Hope you have a good chat thanks

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