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DH blaming me for reduced contact with his friends

(5 Posts)
scaredbutexcited Thu 11-Apr-13 15:26:15

Ok, will try and summarise without too much drip feeding.

DH has one "aquaintance" who I really don't like. He is rude, dishonest, unpleasant and I don't actually think I have every seen him sober in 8 years. He has done many things I don't like but for one, at our wedding he; didn't actually speak to me, was an usher and did nothing at all to help, stole a CRATE of wine from the kitchens (took him 3 attempts because people kept catching and trying to stop him). So anyway. don't think very much of this man and have little to do with him in the last year or so.

DH has now been invited to his stag do and wedding. I have said he can go and its up to him who he wants to be friends with although I would prefer not to have him in my life (I might go to the wedding but in July and DC1 due next week so unsure).

Anyway, he then said, what if this guy wants to pop up and visit? I said, I would prefer not to have him in my home, especially now will have DC.

This then lead to - this makes everything so awkward with him and his other friends and why he hasn't seen them for a while. I was quite hmm.

Now, one friend is mutual and one friend is this chaps brother. However, I think this is completely unfounded and unfair.

I am always suggesting he invites these friends to stay. One was working about an hour away from us for a month and I suggested nearly every day he go to visit, invite the friend to us but he kept saying he was too busy.

The other friend is in the military and when he was serving away, I was the one buying cards to send to him, reminding DH to write, asking when the friend was back so we could meet up etc.

Basically, I have never prevented him seeing either of these too, have encouraged him to keep contact, invite them, visit them. I feel that he has actually been fairly bad at maintaining his friendship and looking to put the blame for this onto me. I also really don't see why, as adults, you would need to share all mutual firends or also be close frineds with your friends brother?

It is hard to be objective so what do others think about this? It is causing a fair few agruements and with the baby due on Monday I could really do without the stress right now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 15:38:55

The arrival of first DC is a big moment in anyone's life. It's the transition between being a kid and being a grown-up... IMHO. Does your DH feel that his life is being restricted in other ways? Does he have a lot of responsibilities especially? Does the piss-head crate-stealing friend represent the irresponsible kid that he used to be? It's clear that access to the other two friends is not really the problem so the accusation ... to me at least.... sounds more like there are other resentments going on here.

If it were me, I'd probably invite the horrible friend round & keep a very close eye on him. Be the bigger person...

scaredbutexcited Thu 11-Apr-13 15:51:11

Hadn't thought of it like that. You could well be right.

I think he is finding it a bit scary that we are having a baby (to be fair so am I). - Although she was planned and we have been together 8 years.

Yes, he has been trying really hard to get the business/home right for her arrival and probably is feeling under a lot of pressure.

Maybe that's it!

I probably should be the bigger person but I really can't stand this man. Also could deal with a visit but then there is the next visit and so on. Don't want him as a regular feature. (Another charming point is that he he swears constantly - even the "C" word. Really don't want that in my daughters vocab)!

sassy34264 Thu 11-Apr-13 15:56:52

My dp has 2 friends from his navy days, who i will not meet, or have them at my house.

They are both prolific prostitute users and i have told dp i don't want them on my sheets. Yuk!

My dp respects this. He is making arrangments to have a night out and finding them alternative accomodation. Luckily we live quite out of town, and dp usually has to stay at a mates when he goes out, so it is not going to seem unusual.

I don't know whether it's right or wrong, but it's how i feel and dp can like it or lump it. Luckily he has said he wouldn't want them on his sheets either. grin

scaredbutexcited Thu 11-Apr-13 16:36:24

Good your DP is supportive sassy.

I know this guy has used prostitutes too, although I think it is in the past. (fingers crossed as he is getting married).

It would seem weird not to have him stay if he was in the area as most genuine friends do.

Normally I love having people to stay. For all his real friends I am happy to cook meals, make cakes arrange nights out etc. I would really struggle to cater for this man though.

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