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Can i get over this?

(8 Posts)
Carebear18 Thu 11-Apr-13 14:23:00

Hi i really want some advice as dont want to get my family or friends involved at the moment. My husband and i have been married for nearly 10 years. About 6 months ago i found out he had joined a dating site and had been texting other women on it. I suspected something was going on and i didn't want to but i did check his phone, and then found messages. We had a huge arguement and i told him that if it happened again it was over. He said that there was something wrong with me for checking his phone and said some hurtful things. He did apologise after and said he had the problem not me. Anyway about a month ago he went out with friends and was out quite late. He woke me up coming in and i dont know why but i ended up checking his phone again. There was a womans number on it and he had texted saying nice to have met you tonight and a smiley face next to it. I texted the woman asking why is your number in my husbands phone, and she said she didn't know him. She only had his number as her friend was interested in his friend. He insisted that he told her that he was married and he did nothing wrong. I don't know what to do?
I have since found a womans number on a piece of paper in his wallet and pictures of women in their undies on his email account. I have no confidence in myself anymore and what hurts is the women are not even pretty, so whats wrong with me??

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 11-Apr-13 14:41:58

There is nothing wrong with you at all.
You deserve much better treatment than this.
I'm no expert, but IME it would seem that he has checked out of your relationship and is looking elsewhere.
There is a well worn script to this, they deny and delete. Deny any thing has happened and then delete all of the evidence.

Oh, there's another D too, deflect, try and deflect the attention elsewhere ie saying you shouldn't have looked at his phone....

Nothing wrong with that at all is there...? He shouldn't have had the stuff there in the first place.

These pics on his email account. Where are they from? I mean, is it a dating site or something ...?

The text message you found when he'd been out sounds like it could of been as a result of a first time meet arranged thru a dodgy dating site.

You need to either print off or get screen shots of the text messages and emails. Or forward the emails to yourself. Remember to delete from the sent mail. It's also worth checking the sent and deleted mailboxes too. They can be a wealth of information, sadly.....

You need to be discreet and you need to realise that he will lie his way out of it if he can. He will also try and turn it round onto you, maybe even making out its your fault!

I'm so sorry you're going thru this.

tallwivglasses Thu 11-Apr-13 14:52:02

What's he like apart from this? A good husband and father? Does he make you happy? Do you love him?

Carebear18 Thu 11-Apr-13 15:10:12

I do love him but i think that i love him more than he loves me. He is a good father and he does look after us well. I deleted all the pictures off his email as i was so disgusted with what i saw, so hes going to know that ive been into his email account. These messages were from Feb which is when i found the text messages on his phone there has been nothing on there since.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 15:24:18

"I have no confidence in myself anymore and what hurts is the women are not even pretty, so whats wrong with me??"

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. He's untrustworthy, and that's what you're responding to. If you were married to a man that had been caught stealing you'd be suspicious every time he had extra cash. This is similar. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it's a duck.

Carebear18 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:17:31

The thing is he says he hasn't done anything since i found out in feb. I dont know if this is true as he has locked his phone now so i cant get into it. I have checked his email account and there are no messages on there since Feb or no new updates off the dating site. Ive checked the sent and spam box and nothing in there either. Im just finding it really hard to trust him now, as when he says hes going out to the gym etc im thinking is he going there?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Apr-13 14:50:53

Doesn't matter that he says hasn't done anything in the last few weeks. When someone has betrayed your trust it taints everything from that point onwards. You're suspicious of everything they say and do. You're already checking up, you're worried every time a text message beeps, you don't believe he's at the gym..... It's a very corrosive process, very destructive and, unless he makes a Herculean effort to apologise and atone for what he's done, is 100% open about his movements and communications, you'll find the mistrust just escalates.

It's really not your fault or your problem that you don't trust this man. He has brought it on himself and, if he's not taking you seriously, you'll have to think about what happens next. Brushing it under the carpet is not it...

tallwivglasses Sat 13-Apr-13 23:53:45

Carebear - is that what you've done? is all the shit safely under the rug? I wonder why he's felt the need to lock his phone now? I wonder how much you're suffering? sad

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