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Advice wanted

(10 Posts)
booboo4 Thu 11-Apr-13 13:10:33

Hi all, I'm new here but would like some advice on a current relationship.

I started seeing my DP about year ago a few months after he separated from his wife. Subsequent to me dating him I found out during his marriage he had an emotional affair and kiss with a friends wife.

He is still in contact with her and considers her a 'good friend' and it annoys me that she is still in his life - am I being unreasonable about this?

Every time I try to discuss this with him he says he doesn't want to discuss it as it hurts to think about how awful he was to have done it. but at the same time won't cut the friend she had the emotional affair out.

I realise she did not do it whilst we have been dating but it concerns me that they are still so close.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 13:17:18

If you're uncomfortable with it, it's a valid concern. If he would rather have her friendship than your partnership, then you know his priorities. If he won't discuss it, nothing is going to change. 'A kiss'... really? Or is that what he told his exW as well? Can see why you don't trust him.

booboo4 Thu 11-Apr-13 13:39:41

Well his exW doesn't know and obviously neither does the other woman's H. So I'm the only one that knows apart from the OW. May try to talk to him again but he gets all depressed when I bring it up as he's blocked it out apparently.

myroomisatip Thu 11-Apr-13 14:15:34

I dont believe he gets 'all depressed'. He is just using that as a means to stop you talking about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 14:50:31

How did you find out he'd had this affair during his marriage? Did he tell you himself or was it something you tripped over? I know platonic friendships exists but if this relationship was even an influencing factor in his marriage ending, then they are not 'good friends' they are much more than that. Are you also worried that if he'd cheat on his wife, he'll cheat on you?

booboo4 Thu 11-Apr-13 15:01:26

I found out because I knew he had a rough time in the last few years of his marriage and this name kept cropping up so I pushed it him for the details of what exactly happened, he also said it contributed to his marriage ending as he felt like he had betrayed his exW (which he had). I am worried about the if he'd cheat on his wife, he'll cheat on me scenario, especially as they had kids together.

I'm think that maybe he was in a bad place and looked for support from her and now he is happy with me (hopefully) doesn't need the emotional support, however my concern is she's still around and likes him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 15:09:29

'Rough time'?... Really? I know you like this man but there has to be two sides to the story. You've already picked up that 'felt like' betraying someone is actually 'really did' betray someone.... so he's downplaying it. A lot of cheating husbands claim they only ended up with the OW because their wife didn't understand them... a.k.a 'bad place and looking for support'... when the more grisly truth is that they enjoyed the ego boost of shagging (sorry 'kissing' hmm) on the QT.

If she's a friend's wife he's playing with fire both ways up. No-one takes a risk like that just to be 'good friends'

skaboy Thu 11-Apr-13 15:15:05

Cheaters generally carry on cheating as I've found to my detriment. They also lie, stretch the truth and omit important details.

booboo4 Thu 11-Apr-13 17:38:44

Just need to tell him I'm uncomfortable about it (again) and not let it drop until we've had an adult conversation about it. Thanks for your advice

TurnipCake Thu 11-Apr-13 17:44:31

Sounds like you've done all your talking though, booboo, the only thing to do now is see the action - he isn't going to cut her out of his life, you have to decide whether or not this is something you'll tolerate.

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