Please help, this was hard for me

[Lifeofpoo]

So, here I go, this is very difficult for me as it must be for many of you that have managed to share.
So, on the surface I should be happy: caring husband, three happy, kind, loving teenagers, good life style, good at job, friends that care.
However I am regularly using a drug to suppress my feelings.
I don't think that I'm addicted as I can stop easily and for long periods. But when I do I feel numb inside, my husband becomes dull, I get anxious about children and their achievements. I walk around like a zombie with nothing to say, either disinterested or full of furry.
No one knows this, not my kind, caring dh, not my close friends that I've had since I was 15.
I am living a very successful lie, I know I shouldn't be, how do I stop.

[mermaid101]

Can I ask which drug you use and how often you would use it?

[TimeForLunch]

Can you talk to your GP about it? You don't say what drug you are using but I wonder if it is codeine. Many people become addicted to it (not necessarily physically) and still live seemingly normal lives. If you feel you cannot go to your GP can you make sure you have none in the house and try to ride out the negative feelings for as long as possible? Concentrate on doing things you enjoy and things that make you feel good other than this drug.

[Lifeofpoo]

Spiff, every day, feel so ashamed

[IndigoBarbie]

Which feelings are you suppressing?

[Lifeofpoo]

Could never talk to GP,am so embarrassed but that won't make me stop cos I'm scard of the alternative, that I'll leave husband and run away

[mermaid101]

I'm not sure what to say. I think going to your GP is a good shout, but if you couldn't do that, what about one of the phone help lines like "Ask Frank".

Someone close to me used to smoke every day. They have now pretty much stopped. They did this unsupported by any agencies. They are a lot happier in themselves now.

Have you tried to stop before?

[TimeForLunch]

Sorry, I was jumping to the wrong conclusion. However, my advice would be the same - to indulge yourself in other things that make you feel good. Perhaps try to plan something small for every day that you can look forward to.

Does your DH know about it?

[Lifeofpoo]

Or that I want cope with pretending to be me, I'm very good at it. Sorry if I sound spoil, stupid and dramatic,, I'm not used to pouring my heart out

[Lucyellensmum95]

Spiff? what is that? or do you mean spliff? Assuming it is, it will only make you feel worse.

Why not go to the GP and ask for some proper drugs that are designed to help with anxiety and depression. Why do you want to leave your DH, is he a shit?

[TimeForLunch]

I see you've already said in the op that DH does not know, apologies.

You don't sound stupid, spoiled or anything other than wanting help and advice which is what mumsnet is great at. The fact that you have started to talk about it on here is a start.

[Lucyellensmum95]

you don't sound spoilt, or dramatic, you sound scared - but its ok, no one will judge you here

[mermaid101]

lifeofpoo, you don't sound spoiled or anything, but you do sound desperately unhappy.

You say you have a good life, and it does sound pretty good (job, friends etc). What do you feel is missing? If you had one wish, what would you wish for?

[Lucyellensmum95]

Why are you living a lie? It sounds like no matter what is going on with you, you are actually a success and it is not a lie, it sounds like you are having trouble believing it. Can you tell us a bit more? We want to help but its difficult with little information.

There is help available, you need to decide what sort of help you want/need and maybe we can help you access it?

[Lifeofpoo]

My husband is not shit,he's a wonderful man, but I'm not totally happy, it's not his fault and i could never cause him any pain. It's me, I can be demanding, angry, unreasonable, unkind, sometimes even emotionally abusive and yet he forgives and loves and tries hard.
I think I started as a way to stop myself from acting so savagely in front of the children, and it worked. They are happy, well adjusted, good people.
I know I should go to gp, just been pretending for so long that I don't know how to tell the truth

[Lifeofpoo]

I have tears in eyes from such kindness, need to feed revising boys lunch and be jolly again. I'll come back

[Messandmayhem]

You can give up and you will get past the negative feelings etc. I know several people who have overcome different drug abuse problems, from someone who was smoking weed all day every day and spending hundreds on it, to someone who almost died after OD on heroin. They are fully functional, wonderful, caring members of society and nobody would know they ever had such problems. I know it wasn't easy for them to stop and I know that they do suffer from lasting effects on their memory etc, but the sooner you stop the lower the risk of long term damage.
Remember you feel well if you eat well, concentrate on making sure you nourish yourself with good fresh food and nourish yourself emotionally too, with plenty of things that make you feel good to get through the initial bad feelings.
Do you have a history of depression? It sounds like you could be depressed if these negative feelings persist long after you stop using drugs. It might be worth talking to your GP about it even if you will feel embarresed as antidepressants or counselling may help you to stop, by tackling the underlying reason for your drug use.

[TimeForLunch]

Maybe talking to a counceller would help? If you don't want to mention the smoking to your GP you could say how you feel about yourself and how it is affecting your family life. It doesn't sound like the drug itself is the problem, but rather the reasons you started taking it in the first place.

[Lifeofpoo]

I don't know what I would wish for, that I could be better, kinder, more patient, less bored.
I agree the drug (except for health reasons ) is not a problem, I function well. I smoke it cos I'm scared of myself. I hate my out bursts, they surprise me and make me ashamed. It controls them.

[Lucyellensmum95]

I take a drug that controls my depression and anxiety, they cause me to be stressy and have outbursts - i get it from my GP and it means i can be calm and happy (ish) without being zombiefied x You sound really lovely, you know, its ok to have outbursts sometimes too

[Lifeofpoo]

Lucy you seem to be the lovely one, to take time out of your life to be kind to someone else is so lovely.
I have a plan, I'll carry on till Sunday, to give me a chance to lady up a bit and stop being such a coward. Then from Monday no more, just the real me. I'll try for a week and if I find myself unbearable ill look for gp help.
Writing this has been the first time I've admitted any type of truth, so I'll continue.
When I want one ill come on here instead and vent, cry and hopefully congratulate myself. I'll use this like a diary, hope I don't bore you too much.
Back to a life of lurking and thank you so much.

[TimeForLunch]

Good luck with everything. I think coming on here and venting is a great idea whenever you feel the need.

[tallwivglasses]

Hi Lifeofpoo (great name btw, wish I'd thought of it) Just wanted to say I kind of know how you feel and I'm also up for listening. You sound lonely. Do you get much of a chance to see friends, go out, do something that's just for you, etc?

[Deffodil]

Lifeofpoo,I don't know how old you are,but the time I became the person that you are describing,I was peri-menopausal. I thought that I was going mad and it felt as if I had permanent PMS. Could that be it?

[Mumsyblouse]

Why don't you get in touch with your GP or go straight to your local drug services (look them up on the internet), they are there to help you and they will have knowledge about how to come off it. Do you smoke it with tobacco? If you do, remember you will be stopping smoking too and that's a hard thing. Even on its own, lots of people have symptoms like feeling more anxious and even becoming constipated- it may help to have some idea of how it is going to go.

Also, I would think about putting other coping mechanism into place - such as talking therapy (can you talk with a friend, a drug counsellor?) or doing relaxation (e.g. buy a CD and do it twice a day) as it is difficult to cope with daily life and it is likely you will get cross/grumpy/feel not the same without it at some times although I really think you will feel better in the long run.

But stop beating yourself up for this, millions, millions of people use something to help them cope with life, from a large glass of wine at the end of the day, to anti-depressants to addictive behaviours (e.g. stuffing their face with food). You are a lovely person who found a way to cope, but now wants to move on. This is not terrible, or shocking, and I would reach out for others to help you , i think you will find a lot of help out there.

[Lucyellensmum95]

My DP used to smoke cannibis every day (before he met me so can only go on what he tells me) and then one day, just stopped, didn't have any problems. So i don't think going cold turkey will be too much of a problem (but its so much stronger these days). Maybe try to get some advice?

For you, the cannibis is probably like a glass of wine is to other people, a way to help you relax - can you find something else (not necc alcohol) to do or have to make yourself feel calm? A brisk walk (now the weather seemsto be picking up a bit) or a bike ride? (exercise always helps my anxiety) A nice hot bath? I swear by bach's rescue remedy, which you can get from boots?

You know there is no shame in approaching your GP for help, you wouldnt be embarrased if you had backache that you were self medicating and it wasn't working anymore, so don't be embarrased with the situation you find yourself in now. Its the same thing.