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Can a friend ever turn into something more????? Advice needed please???

(17 Posts)
missylea Thu 11-Apr-13 10:58:09

ok So this will be a bit long and rambly so bear with me!!!

Ok so ive met this guy friend about 11 years ago and there was an attraction there from the start but i was married and he was in a relationship. He was always really attentive towards me and always told me how much he fancied me in a joking way but I knew deep down he meant it. My marriage was coming to an end and i suppose he was the one who i looked to for a lift in my dwindling self esteem. I could banter with him and have fun with him knowing that he was a friend and I didnt have to sleep with him! Well we lost contact for 9 years, he had other relationships and I had more messy and controlling relationships. To cut a long story short, hes back in my life again and we are both single now. He is the most kindest man ive ever met, no one has ever treated me or my children the way he has. He makes me feel safe and secure and treats me like a princess which is a breathe of fresh air after the years of abuse i have suffered. I can talk to him about anything which I never ever had in any of my relationships as I was always trying to be something my partners wanted and lost the real me. He wants more than just friendship though and it scares the life out of me after what ive been through. To be honest and I know im gonna get alot of hate over this but Im not physically attracted to him. He is everything opposite i would go in a man. Maybe thats were I went wrong in all the other relationships???? I have a thing a height and ano thats sounds extremely shallow and I dont want to be a shallow person but it feels weird when im with him and towering over him!!! When im not with him, i miss him and I dont know if its because I want him or I love the way he treats me and spoils me!!!! He has told me his feeling towards so I dont want to hurt him either!!!!
Im used to having these whirlwind relationships were i fancy the pants of someone right from the start but if im honest dont really have much substance. Im fighting with myself here!!!! and screaming at myself saying what is up with you woman!!!!! but i cant force myself either to be physically attracted to someone sad One part of me thinks am I settling as I havent met someone in 3 years and im loving the attention and being spoilt??? or is this the real deal? ???? I question if it is, Why am i freaking out if we're seen together? Confused :/

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 11:22:57

I think, when it comes to love, concepts of rationality and shallowness are slightly redundant. If you like someone, you like them. If you don't want to go out with someone because there's something that would make you uncomfortable... that's also fine. But be honest with yourself as well as him. If you just want to be friends be up front about it. It would be cruel to string someone along as an ego-boost

missylea Thu 11-Apr-13 11:27:37

Thank you, I have been completely honest with him and myself and thats something I havent done in a long time as Im a people pleaser so my past relationships have taught me something at least! Its terrible to say that if he were a bit taller, i would probably be fine with the whole thing. Thats makes me feel horrible and so shallow!

Walkacrossthesand Thu 11-Apr-13 11:36:07

It sounds like your main issue is with his height, no? Height difference is a very personal thing isn't it - you see plenty of couples where the gal is taller than the guy (even in flat shoes - the guy has to be really tall to compete with the heeled platforms that seem to be de rigueur for nights out these days...), but I think I'd feel awkward if my man was anything less than the same height as me. Ok for a good friend, but not for the 'one and only'. I met one guy through OD, he was pleasant enough (bit dull) and i might have considered a second date if he hadnt been 3in shorter than me...No-one else can decide for you on this one!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Apr-13 11:38:45

It's really not shallow. Physical attraction is an extremely personal thing and if there's no spark for whatever reason, it's not something others should judge you on. However, if he wants more than friendship, you may have to accept that he can't be part of your life long-term.

Lovingfreedom Thu 11-Apr-13 11:41:58

How would you feel if he started seeing another woman and was totally head over heels with her? Do you think you'd feel like you were missing out and should have gone for it when you had the chance? Or just a tad jealous that his attention was no longer on you? Or indeed, happy for your friend that he'd found someone that did fancy him?

I think sometimes the fancying can creep up on you out of friendship...but sometimes it's just not going to happen. Whirlwind romances may be over-rated sometimes - they are exciting but can be more froth than deep-rooted 'love'.

You can stay friends. Maybe just relax a bit and see what happens. Why freak out if you're seen with a friend? It's not anyone else's business whether you are friends or lovers is it? Don't string him along though...you don't owe him a relationship but it's unkind and you'll lose a friend if you play games with him.

missylea Thu 11-Apr-13 12:02:44

Thanks so much for your kind words. No I would never string him along and hes says that one of the things he love about me is that im very straight and honest.

My last bf was 6ft 4 and I found that very attractive, even thought he was so abusive. When i went for counselling, my counsellor even told me to imagine him as 5ft or smaller, so I guess I do have something about height issues! Thing is in flats, we would be around the same height but im very girly and love heels and he went to hug me one night and it made me uncomfortable as I felt I was towering and looking down on him.

I dont know how I would feel if he met someone else, yes I would feel jealous that the attention wasnt on me anymore and I would know what way she was being treated and its lovely, im not gonna lie. I would like to think after that wore off, I would be happy for him that he had found someone who loved him and who he loved.

Thing is, ive never had a guy friend as I was married so young and felt having a guy friend was just a big no no so its only now 20 years on that I can tell myself you can be friends with anyone you want!!! If it wasnt for the height, he would be perfect. Plus I feel im never gonna meet someone who has it all for me and willing to take on my 3 children like they are his own!

Mumsyblouse Thu 11-Apr-13 12:10:32

Get over the height thing anyway even if he is not the guy for you. He's the same height as you, so not miles shorter, and I think your experience with 6' 4'' guys who abuse you should tell you that height is not a good way to judge a person. Really- it would be a shame to miss out on potentially 30/40 years of happiness over that. Attraction does matter, but clearly the type of big abusive guys you are attracted to is not working, so I would give someone a similar height a try (or anyone nice at any height!)

As for if you fancy him, have you kissed him yet? Is any attraction growing? You can't force it if it isn't there, but if you increasingly miss him and perhaps fancy him a bit, then that can be built on. However, if you find the idea of kissing him or going further really repulsive, then I don't think it will grow over time and you should let him know you'd love to be friends but will never be in a relationship.

Who cares what others think? You have to let go of that if you are to start picking nicer men.

Lovingfreedom Thu 11-Apr-13 12:25:23

I agree with mumsyblouse....I started seeing a really nice guy whereas ex was horrible and abusive and it felt quite strange and different to start with. I didn't totally fancy him initially he's 6'4" though so maybe we should swap wink but he really really grew on me once I gave myself a chance to relax and enjoy it. I told him I only wanted to be friends to start with and took it slowly. I now find that I fancy him like mad and even find myself eyeing up guys who resemble this guy...rather than sticking to what I used to go for.

Having said that, I have quite a few male friends and it's great to have them in the mix of friends too...you don't have to sleep with them all wink.

QuintessentialOHara Thu 11-Apr-13 12:30:19

Well, if you love high heals more than him, I think that is your answer!

Maybe you could look into links between girly girls and abusive men.

missylea Thu 11-Apr-13 12:39:20

Hi, yes I have kissed him and it didnt repulse me...he very loving,caring and sweet and complete opposite to what im used to. Sends me flowers all the time and treats me like a princess. He was off work for easter week and came and spent most of the holiday here with me and my children, going to cinema etc. so think it was just too intense for me last week and thats when i told him we wouldnt be more than friends. He asked for a kiss and I just couldnt last week. So now he has backed off and we are all back in our routine again, i kind of missed him. I always did enjoy his company and him being around so again dont know if its him i miss or the company and the attention.

Im used to having men use me as a trophy on their arm and not really wanting to know the real me so suppose that was the shallow world I was thrust into.

Its hard no ever having any male friends cause I dont know were they are crossing the line? Do i ask him to stop sending me flowers, do i ask him to stop giving me presents or wanting to take me places? He wants to take me on holiday and pay for it...just as friends but I dont know if that is me crossing the line. sad

missylea Thu 11-Apr-13 12:47:08

Sorry Quintessentialohara Do you think they is links there? I do know the abusive men Ive been with obviously love a certain type of woman. This so called "good looking men" turn out at the end ugly! Have to add I have never had the sexual chemistry with my last partner and father to my child but was a terrible person and abusor. Even now when I see him I still find him attractive, even after all the horrible horrible things he has done on me and my children. Thats why I question this so much? I know what it feels like to be completely smitten and head over heels and have that real sexual chemistry with someone but then again it drove me insane and I couldnt stay with him!

missylea Thu 11-Apr-13 19:36:26

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ThePinkOcelot Thu 11-Apr-13 19:52:31

At the end of the day Missy, no one can tell you what to do. If it is only the height thing, I think you should try to go beyond that and look outside of the box. If he is about the same height as you, even if you wore 3in heels, that is only 3ins shorter, not towering above, but I know what you mean about how it feels that way.
Whilst I think there has to be an attraction in the first place, sure someone who treats you like a princess and cares about you and is there for you, is much more attractive that a 6ft 4in who treats you like shit.
Other than his height, do you like how he looks?

tungthai Thu 11-Apr-13 20:22:17

My bil is 5.6 and his gf is 5.9. She always wears heels and towers over him. I asked her why she wears such high heels and she said it makes her feel sexy and she prefers shorter men because it gives her confidence.

ohtobecleo Thu 11-Apr-13 20:46:09

As far as height goes I think it depends how confident the (shorter) man is. If Tom Cruise wanted to date me (I'm taller than him) I certainly wouldn't say no assuming he didn't raise the S word - and I'd wear my heels. But then again my exH was shorter than me - it never phased either of us and I regularly wore heels.

Sometimes I think sometimes it's just the ones we can't have that are the most attractive to us (and vice versa) regardless of how they look.

Mumsyblouse Thu 11-Apr-13 21:41:32

If the men you are used to being with usually treat you like a trophy (initialy) but then go on to abuse you, then you can't go far wrong going with the complete opposite. I think you need to start moving away from thinking about physical compatibility and think about compatibility in terms of values, such as kindness, respect and so on. You have had no success whatsoever with these guys who are hunky but treat you like shit, in fact, some people have suggested this 'chemistry' is really you feeling a bit scared/on edge and your adrenaline going, and you are interpreting this as sexual attraction whereas really you should run in the opposite direction.

Having said that, this guy seems nice, but is he too nice? I don't mean that in a silly way, how can someone be too nice, but you do need someone who treats you like a real person, with emotions and normal behaviour, and not like a 'princess' really. I don't think being a princess is necessarily healthy either.

Don't force this relationship. If you like him go for it but if you don't, wait a while and stay single, you may meet someone who is physically your type as well as being very kind and attentive- just remember to run if you see any red flags.

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