I can't get over him- 2 years on and I'm a mess :(

[Miserwhy]

Hi anyone. This might be long. Also not sure to put it in Relationships or Mental Health I've NC'd too.
Back story:

I split up with my ex two years ago. It was a mutual thing- as in we both really didn't want to but had to, because of my mental health. I had been on a downward spiral (we were together 2 1/2 years) for the last 8 months of our R which culminated in a suicide attempt from me. There were lots of tears and we both just couldn't... sigh..carry on like that. The horrible thing was that my MH problems scared me and I took a lot of it out on him. I started focussing on his past relationships/fuck buddies/whatever and convinced myself he had had more fun with/preferred his time with them and the more I needled him about it the more I knew it would be true. Looking back, he adored me. He hadn't had a gf for a while before me and always told me I was something special in many ways and many times ("I've always dreamed of a girl that could be my best friend and lover all in one etc) I hated myself for what I was doing to us but it was like something had taken over me and I did all sorts of awful things- snooped in his FB account and email, found years-old messages to other girls (before he'd even met me) and then cry or shout. They genuinely hurt me though, but I realise I come across as bringing it on myself . I tried all sorts of meds, psychotherapy, a couple made it better for a week but then it would all creep back. Aside from this one problem we got on really well. I also had a MC (unplanned) which I feel sent me over the edge. It was truly a horrible time in my life. I lost stones in weeks, becoming very underweight. I self-harmed to a degree I never had before. And all the time it was like the real me was screaming from inside a glass box, "Why the hell is this even a problem?!" (His past, not MC) My ex once said that he could see in my eyes I didn't want to be this way. He was as understanding as someone with no previous experience of MH can be I guess.
After the SA we stayed together another few months but I was a wreck. We had a 'straw that broke the donkey's back' argument about nothing and decided to break up. I felt free for a few weeks, reconnecting with old friends who said they'd never really liked him and going for days out, festivals (we never went out at all, he preferred to stay in smoking pot, xbox etc which I got bored of but loved him so much I thought it didn't matter). He could also be pompous and I felt 'less than him' sometimes as he always talked about himself and would talk over me constantly. Once he said he was middle class (in a way that insinuated I wasn't) to which I replied that I was too, he paused for a beat and then said "well, upper middle class then". He could also be quite contemptuous to other people if he'd decided he didn't care what they thought of him (but would be all charm to some people's faces then bitch behind their back, then to others he wanted to like him he would go out of his way to put across how great a person he was) And it worried me that he could be like that. I think I lost respect for him because of this (or didn't trust him as much?

Anyway two years on and basically he is always on my mind and I hate it. I sway from wishing I was back in our little house with him and our pet, to just wishing I was totally over him. He asked my best friend over last year and cried to her that he'd never gotten over me, while every other girl he got bored of in a matter of months. She told him to tell me that and he asked me out for a coffee but just talked about bloody Xbox and never mentioned what he said to her.
I lost it a little when I saw him with a girl last year but I'm friends with his housemate who told me "just because he's shagging someone else doesn't mean he doesn't talk about you all the time. I hear more about you than her". I tore myself up thinking he was much happier with her, or imagining him telling her what a horror I am, because that's what he did about his exes to me. She doesn't seem to be in the picture anymore though (and I felt myself hoping she'd seen his true colours, that he'd dumped her etc- Horrible of me)
I wish he would tell me how he feels, even if it's that he hates me, because we never really had closure. But I daren't ask him because I'm worried how I will react if he is hurtful. But then I'm not sure if I would even want to go back although the way I feel tells me I do. I'm in a tentative relationship with a new guy who is really great, up for adventures like me, no bullshit, he is honest and he makes me feel good, not inferior. I would go for it if this wasn't hanging over my head, It's getting worse and I am dreaming of my ex (sometimes he is telling me he's happy with someone else, to which I wake devastated, or he's telling me how miserable he is without me, so I wake up feeling miserable because he hasn't said that in RL)

I just have no clue what to do, and I am sorry for going on. My mind is so messed, I couldn't find my key this morning (after waking up from another dream) and missed my train, so missed a dr's appointment, and had a mini meltdown.

I don't even know why I posted but thank you for giving me this place to vent. I am so sad and sigh and grr. Why do I feel like this? Why did I feel like that?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you're obsessing about something from your past, it's possible it's because you're not yet on the right path to your future. From the way you describe, you didnt split solely because of your MH issues but because he also had various faults and problems. But nostalgia is a powerful thing when there's nothing better on the horizon

You don't really want to know why you broke up, even if you think you do, because there is no good answer. If he says he regrets it, you'll get your hopes up falsely. If he says he doesn't like you, you'll be gutted. So crap either way.

Do reschedule the doctor appointment. Ask about counselling if you aren't in a programme already. But mostly try to concentrate on your future happiness, making a busy, fulfilling and strong life for yourself with friends and interests that make you happy. The more you do that, the more this ex boyfriend will recede into history. Good luck

[SolidGoldBrass]

TBH, he sounds like a bit of a dick and verging on emotionally abusive. Which may be why your mental health got so rocky towards the end of the relationship.
While it is very hard to be the partner of someone with bad MH issues, and it's enough to make most people at least a bit irritable despite knowing that the partner is not to blame for his/her health, I think your relationship was always about him being 'better' than you and feeding his ego at your expense. He actually sounds like a man who doesn't like women all that much and considers relationships a matter of the man being on top and the woman struggling to please him and be acceptable to him.

[Miserwhy]

Thank you both for replying, I honestly thought no one would.
I am in between psychotherapists but have also been doing hypnotherapy, even went to an inpatients facility for a few months last year. I do art stuff etc but I just hate feeling like this. I can't think to do that stuff with all these thoughts bashing round my brain. I honestly thought it would be fading at least a bit by now.
It's interesting you say that Solid, because I read this site a lot and I did think maybe that a tinge of EA might have been present. But he comes across so charming and harmless, he really swept me off my feet at the beginning, chased me hard, I'd catch him staring at me and ask why and he'd say " you're just so beautiful"... etc etc and saying how lucky he was to have me.. but then little incidents like the 'middle class' comment would randomly come out, like a tiny electric shock, and then it would be gone. Then if I brought it up, he would deny it. It made me feel even crazier! I even tried to record our arguments towards the end of the R because he would say something that upset me and then say he didn't say that IYSWIM? But it was like a tiny jellyfish in an ocean of compliments and niceness.

Looking back I do see a couple of red flags, would one be that he's 35 and never had a relationship over a year (apart from me)?
He also told me that a girl once was 'totally in love with him' and paid for him to go on a huge holiday but he never saw her as a GF, and never liked her that much but it was 'a chance of a lifetime'. I hated that.

[Miserwhy]

Another strange thing is that I didn't really feed his ego. I actually was less flattering to him than I think he was used to. He did tell me he liked how I didn't fawn over him (I really didn't, I had a lot more self confidence than I do now, and used to think he was a bit boring and tried too hard to be funny, and told him in no uncertain terms! Oh to feel like that about him now)

[orangeandlemons]

Well if you can't get over him, perhaps you still love him and want to reunite. It sounds like he does too.

Or, I suffer depression which is always related to loss. It takes me a lot longer to get over someone would be expected.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Just from your description there are more than a couple of red flags.

• 'Chasing hard'... often a problem because it can mean a man that doesn't respect your boundaries & wants to wear you down.
  
• 'Swept me off my feet'... similar. There is often a reason why they don't want you to look at them too closely.
  
• "imagining him telling her what a horror I am, because that's what he did about his exes to me."... men who blame exes (and others) for their own failings will eventually start to blame you.
  
• "Then if I brought it up, he would deny it".... this is called 'gaslighting'. Pretending things didn't happen in order to make the other person feel insecure and, as you say, 'crazy'.
  
• "old friends who said they'd never really liked him"... you should talk to these people again. Friends usually want the best for you.
  
• "a chance of a lifetime" story ... suggests someone who cynically used the affection of others for their own gain. Not a good character trait.
  
• "upper middle class"... could indicate an over-inflated sense of entitlement, that he expected special treatment. Again, not good character traits.
  

Keep focusing on your future. This man may have been all over you like a cheap suit but I think, as said earlier, being with him may have made your illnesses worse rather than better.

[Lovingfreedom]

"used to think he was a bit boring and tried too hard to be funny, and told him in no uncertain terms!"

Why would you go out with someone you find boring and you think tries too hard to be funny? ...why you would tell someone that?...

[Devendra]

You need to let go of the past.. its done you cant change it. Focus on loving yourself and being happy.

[Miserwhy]

Thanks oranges. I don't know, I feel like I do still love him (why else would I dream of him, get really shaky when I see him, wish he would ask me back) but I don't know about him. It's confusing because of what he said to my friend, but I do see him sometimes (to visit my pet) and he never says anything but he does seem to enjoy me being there. He asked me if I wanted to go for a beer a while back but we did and just talked crap for an hour then I went and then silence (no texts etc). A couple of friends I've droned on incessantly talked to about this have said "well you can't expect him to chase you madly like he did first time round, a lot has happened since then" and he's quite a proud person. It drives my mind crazy trying to figure if it's pride, fear of what has already happened (my SA terrified him and affected him deeply, I know that much) or I'm suddenly just not the love of his life anymore. I'm always smily and happy now around him (I just feel happy around him) and I hope he can see how much better I am since the intensive therapy.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Well that's why you can't let go. You go back to visit your pet? If you're trying to consign someone to the past and get on with your life, it doesn't help the process to keep being in their company. It's bad enough for separating couples who have to keep in touch for the sake of a child. Couldn't you leave him to care for the pet solo and cut all contact?

[Miserwhy]

Thank you Cogito. I did get worse but I thought it was my fault..

Loving I did like him, I just didn't laugh madly at his silly jokes (like some of the girls he knew did) more of a face. I found it ...endearing? As for the boring, it wasn't incessant, just when he talked about the same thing for ages (which wasn't so bad when we were first getting together, because it was in a more social setting, weren't living together then iykwim)

Devendra I know I'm trying..

[Spero]

The 'middle class' comment is horrible. That would be enough of a warning sign for me. It says a lot about his values and his contempt for others.

I think you are a victim of nostalgia and being unhappy now and this torturing itself that you have missed a great chance with a wonderful guy. But the reality is he doesn't sound wonderful. And if you two really were star crossed lovers designed to be together one of you would have got in touch with the other by now and made honest, open declarations about how they feel.

The fact that you feel you can't do this, is also a clear sign to me that this was not a great relationship. What kind of a shit would say hurtful things to a distressed ex? The fact you fear he would says a lot about what you think of him.

Two years is not actually that long. I think it took me nearer 4 and I still have to discipline myself to stop thinking about him. Probably I should have got some help earlier, might have speeded up the process.

You can't be happy in the now always looking over your shoulder into the past and regretting a lost future that almost certainly could never have been real. I think you should find a therapist/counsellor you can trust and thrash this out with them.

[oldwomaninashoe]

You say he sat indoors smoking weed, did you as well?

[Spero]

Just read you are in constant contact re the pet! No wonder you are feeling so messed up. I would stop all direct contact. If he loved you and wanted to get back with you he would have told you by now. Sounds like it is just an ego boost for him that you keep coming round.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I'm always smily and happy now around him (I just feel happy around him) and I hope he can see how much better I am since the intensive therapy."

This just sounds like you want to show him you're better, get back together with him and therefore, because he's got someone new, you're now in the middle of massive and futile crush... No wonder you feel tortured and you can't sleep. I think dropping contact & sacrificing this pet is the only sensible way to go.

[Miserwhy]

Yes, cog. I miss the pet badly too. My best friend lives next door to him too so when I go round to see her sometimes he'll be outside and ask me to come see the pet, I feel sad enough not seeing it that I feel worse saying "no I don't want to see it" although I know it seems and insulting to the couples who are struggling to co-parent and deal with a break-up.

[Spero]

Your good mental health is more important than a pet who doesn't live with you.

[Lovingfreedom]

Well going on what you've said it doesn't sound like a relationship worth resuming...there's not much about positive aspects of the relationship that you miss and the list of 'red flags' is pretty glaring. I agree with Cogito in saying to stop seeing your ex and the pet. It's much easier to move on if you have a cleaner break and don't have to see him.

[Miserwhy]

I have to go to the Dr's now so I'm not being rude not replying. oldwoman I didn't smoke, but I have done in the past. I know it's liked to MH.

I know you're right about sacrificing the pet

back in a bit

[Lemonylemon]

OP: Sorry, but he doesn't really sound like that much of a catch. Read your post, he does sound like a bit of a dick - he didn't see you as his equal.

My Mum once said to me: If you spend too much time looking back, you'll end up with a sore neck and a broken heart.

I think that your situation here, is one that the saying applies to.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not insulting to couples who co-parent but, quite often, you'll hear someone struggling say that they'd find it easier to cope with a break-up if they didn't have to see the ex on a regular basis to hand over the kids. You have a golden opportunity to cut contact, even if your best friend lives nearby. Do you think, on any level, popping in to see the animal is a bit of an excuse to be with him?

[BicBiro]

I think you formed a really strong , dependency type attachment with this man which is why you are struggling so much in the separation. how much would you say your self-worth was caught up in knowing he loved you and would help you through your MH issues? what was your MH like before you met him or in other relationships?

[CappuccinoQueen]

Miserwhy I could have written your OP, my situation is almost identical to yours so I'm watching this thread with interest!

I totally agree with Bic about you having formed a strong dependency attachment to this guy - I recognise this in myself and it's very hard to severe those emotional ties. I wanted to ask also, like Bic, what your MH was like when you met your ex? I know that mine rapidly deteriorated when I was with my XP and I am finally starting to realise that he had some part to play in that through his arrogance, his lack of support and some classic EA.

With regards to your pet, I agree with other posters that it would be best to stop the visits and have no contact with your ex. Cold turkey really does help - it's bloody hard but it will be beneficial to your MH. Are you in a position to get a pet of your own? Maybe that would be worth looking into if possible?

Wishing you all the very best x

[SolidGoldBrass]

Oh he really is a dick, Miser. I have known a few men like this, loads of charm and romantic gestures to cover up the fact that they really don't like women. He wants you to be desperate for him and still in love with him, because he's SO Fucking Special... I bet he's in contact with all his XPs even though he slags them off, he won't be able to leave them alone because he needs the ego-food of having them all still yearning for him.

I agree about dumping the pet. (in terms of leaving it with him and cutting contact, not the sack-and-housebrick method). To be very blunt, unless he's cruel to it, it will not suffer from not seeing you any more. Animals are happy with kindness and regular meals, they do not have emotoonal attachments on the same level as human beings.

[Miserwhy]

Yeah I did have times where I felt he didn't respect me. It's just that he never out-and-out said it which would have made it easier (obv.) and I guess he wasn't much of a catch, looking back (although he had girls who fancied him loads and hated me when he 'chose' me, which I guess to my already low self-esteem made me feel lucky).

I had a good deep look into co-dependancy when I was in treatment and definitely have had this in all my relationships. I believe this one was exacerbated because, seeing you guys pick up on EA traits straight away, I think that he was just very good at being much subtler about EA (my past relationships have been either physically abusive or blatantly mean) and so I thought this was a great R, instead of just a quite-shit-but-not-as-shit-as-the-others one. Having said that I do believe he really did love me. He had issues of his own to do with his dad but as he flat out denied them I sort of believed it was all me. (and I'm not about to start excusing him)

I started out this R really really happy (he 'rescued' me in a way from my previous R where I was seriously unhappy) and I remember feeling so free and "this is how it's meant to be" and it was great for at least a year and a half, which is another reason it's harder to let go I think. It was about then that we both had a really bad time, he was being undermined badly in his family and job, I had a miscarriage and was sacked really unfairly from my job, one of my closest friends started a relationship and 'dropped' me (and everyone else) from her life and another moved far away. Our housemate started abusing drugs, I started to feel really trapped. (Sorry if this is drip feeding but I just need to write it all down to see it clearly I think) so it all started to fall apart. I wish I'd found this site then TBH. I had no-one.

I've just remembered also that I have stuff still there that I've been asking him for two years to bag up and take to my friends so I didn't have to see him if it wasn't to see the pet (and Cogito, yes, I think a bit of me does want to see him then ) Although I think part of wanting him to see I'm better is because I'm just so damn ashamed of how bad I got, and I don't want him to remember me that way. A vicious, pathetic wreck.

cappuccino, thank you, I'm sad you've been in the same place but glad in a way that it's not just me (sorry ) how are you doing now? My ex has been described as arrogant too by friends.
Thank you again everyone