Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So confused :((65 Posts)
Not so where to start but hoping you lovely ladies can talk some sense into me.
I'm hurting lots at the moment due to some serious crossed wires and I can't shake the feeling that I've been misled.
When I got together with my dp, 20 months ago I was very upfront about my desire for marriage and children. He shared these feelings.
Recently we have been looking into houses, a family home so to speak. This combined with other things has led me to believe a proposal was in the air.
*5 months in he told me he wanted to propose
*8 months in he admitted a proposal plan had been scuppered by an unexpected visit from my mother.
*1 year in he told me, unprompted, that it would most likely be within a year.
*at a romantic dinner we were discussing it and I mentioned the fact I would like to use a family ring I have inherited (a mother of pearl one) but it was a little in the small side. I suggested I could use it to help motivate a fitness campaign. He told me to tell him when it fitted.
*snuggled up in bed he told me "I want you to be my wife, in fact that's how I sometimes catch myself thinking of you"
I realise I am going on a bit so I'll get to the point. Last night he asked me whether or not I thought our wedding would be like a mutual friends. Two hours later we've finished planning our wedding; except for the date. I am feeling brave so say "all that's left is the date". Silence. Tumbleweed. Random question about what we are having for lunch tomorrow. I am floored but take a deep breath and go to bed.
Big chat tonight. He's not ready, not sure he believes in marriage as an institution but has offered to make a will and go to the solicitors to sign whatever it takes to become legally entwined and be next of kin.
I am so confused and can't stand to look him in the eye. He has been married before and I know this taints his view. He has said "I might wake up tomorrow and think it's a great idea". Equally he said if I asked him he would seriously consider it. I thought it was a case of when not if!
How on earth do I get over my disappointment? I'm also cross that he would say all he has said but not be sure now. I can't help but think something has changed.
There will be no further talk of weddings or babies until he is ready for marriage.
I am still very confused by the whole thing and taking a few days to think it all through and take on board all that has been said and talk to some real life friends about it all.
I am in high alert and aware this may well be the unravelling of us. I'm not one to make snap decisions. It frightens me to think of where this is heading.
But really 20 months in is not too soon to be ready, or is it??
Ps re my first paragraph - I've banned all talk of hypotheticals. Actions speak louder than words.
Google commitment phobe I believe this is what you are dealing with. My ex did exactly the same and When I say exactly the same I mean it! Promised weddings after a few months, etc, we bought a house, he got cold feet, everytime I ended it he'd come to his senses. It became a constant cycle of destruction. He told me the same as your boyfriend that he wasn't sure he wanted to get married anymore after wanting it so desperately when we first got together. This is what they do pursue you aggressively then back the hell off when they see you are staring to want commitment they promised you'd have one day. Please save yourself heartache and years of grief and get the hell out....
I put money on him not changing and you'll just hang in there hoping he will change his mind, and you'll waste valuable time of your life when you could be out there meeting someone who wouldn't hesitate in marrying you!
I'm so glad I came to my senses, but that relationship screwed me up for a long time afterwards and I found it nearly impossible to believe another mans word afterwards, as I tarred them all with the same brush!
However my ex is still single (36) and from what I've heard he has broken about 3 girls hearts since me, repeating the exact same patterns.
Four Years on I'm now very happy with a great man and we are expecting our first child in October.
Please please think of whats best for you and don't hang around in something just in case he changes his mind!!! Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
Good Luck xx
Ah OP your head must be all over the place! When I read your post though I must admit I thought it was a lot to happen in a very short space of time. You haven't even been together 2 years but you're already planning a mortgage, marriage and babies right now (or in the very near future.) It just reads like you've spent your relationship discussing the future and getting married but have you ever really just enjoyed being together, going on holidays or just being a couple? I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but it really does sound very full on!
It is undoubtedly cruel to string you along and say he's planning the proposal from 5 months together and now changing his mind, but maybe he is just getting a bit freaked out by how quickly it's happened?
We are mid thirties so hence the frankness about where we wanted to be heading.
We have enjoyed our relationship, taken trips, mini adventures, also dealt with a short period if unemployment and ill health.
When we were talking last about this he asked if I thought I might have a wobble at the moment we stopped using contraception and that the first time we dtd without any might be frightening as well as exciting. That I would have the right to stop if it overwhelmed me.
That wouldn't mean all the daydreams and plans we'd made for children were any less sincere on my part. I think he does have a point.
I know they are two different things but to me that thought process is possible.
We live together and I've told him where I stand. He has too. Now I think it needs some time, some dust settling perhaps before anything further is said or gone.
In all other respects he is wonderful, this is our first bump. Never had cause to question him.
My ex did a lot of this, my only regret is not dumping his sorry arse sooner
He sounds a bit cruel. Lot's of people have issues around marriage, the point is they don't tend to spend a large amount of time planning their wedding.
My guess is he liked you, knew your age and preferences so maybe talked up his willingness to marry to reel you in.
If you want children and you want to be married to have children then he needs to understand this in a crystal clear way and both of you need to make some decisions asap.
He doesn't have any point.
He's playing games with you and wasting your (precious at this point) time.
He doesn't want to marry you. But he wants to dangle it in front if you.
Your current state if confusion is no accident.
You're being played.
"So we are at a stalemate. I want marriage. He wants children. I won't feel secure enough to do it without a marriage. ^I don't know why. I'm sure plenty of people feel completely secure without it.^"
Argh!! You're already starting to question whether your approach is the right one. Please, please don't do this. It's one of your personal red lines, you've arrived at it for a reason, stick to it. Good luck.
Manipulator. All this lead up and then suddenly he doesn't want to get married - but he's willing to go to solicitors to make your legal/financial situation like marriage.....I smell a big stinking rat. What is he after?
Also, Sioda is right. How can you believe his baby talk is true? You had no reason to question the marriage talk, yet here we are. If he can string the marriage thing out over 20 months, he can string the solicitors thing out over another 20 months and then the babies thing (if you've caved by then and just want to get upduffed) over another 20...
That's a very good point from MadBusLady. Given what you've told him about marriage then babies, he knows the real decision about babies is being safely deferred while he pontificates about commitment. I think there is a risk that if babies were suddenly on the table right now, it might emerge hat he has doubts about that too.
Alittlestranger exactly you hit the nail on the head. He knows your boundaries so he knows the babies issue is safe at bay whilst he strings you along further. I remember saying to my ex when he'd said he was no longer interested in marriage "what about kids" he said "I'd def have kids with you" a few months later we spoke again I said I'd come off the pill forsake marriage and we'd have kids instead....guess what, he shit himself and suddenly his views changed on that!!!
My friends etc tried to tell me what everyone here is telling you, because from an outsiders view it's a clear as daylight. However when you are the one involved sometimes you are blinded and cannot see the wood for the trees. I hung on in there for 8 months after he said he was unsure about marriage, partly because I loved him and hoping he'd change his mind, partly because at time I was (30) and I didn't want to start all over again an be single, meet someone else go back to dating etc etc....all friends were settling down.
I'm so glad I did or else i would have wasted more of my life on someone who was just stringing me along for his own benefits.
Really feel for you being on this position.
Hope I linked properly. Try looking at this website especially the article on Fast Forwarding and Future Faking.
This thread is a real wake up call for me. I am just like your DP. I can't decide if I should marry DP or not. I am not deliberately playing him, I genuinely change my mind once a week and it's tearing me apart. Just another perspective that he's not necessarily deliberately playing you, he just might be weak and pathetically indecisive like me. I know it doesn't help and it's still just as hurtful for you, but there isn't necessarily any malicious intent. I am desperate to make my relationship work.
Yeah future fakers and fast forwarders is a good read, it uncovers how these men operate. I read a lot of her articles highly recommend them.
So, after 20 months of dangling the carrot of marriage in front of you, he has been caught out red handed at not meaning it, so he changes tactics and starts to dangle the carrot of children and assets in front of you?
How many months until you catch him out for not meaning any of that either?
Join the discussion
Please login first.