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Would this kill any love/respect you had for your H?

(42 Posts)
lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:02:06

Hi, I am a regular poster but gone in disguise for this...

My H recently told me that he had been issued a fine for a small misdemeanour. Not a problem.

However, he went on to 'amend' the fine notice and got found out by the issuing authority.

But in order to avoid punishment he wanted to blame the 'amendment' on DS, age 14, telling the authorities that DS had done it, not him. His 'amendment' was to change written info on the form. I did not let him do this!

I feel disgusted that H could even think of such a thing let alone be prepared to do it.
It has killed any respect I had for him, and with it love.

Would you feel the same? could you forgive this?

StealthPolarBear Fri 12-Apr-13 14:28:47

I'm assuming in his defence he'd thought that if they thoufht a chid did it, they'd let it go as a childish prank rather than an adult deliberatly defrauding an official document (sort of "my toddler scribbled on it" defence). But even if you were morally willing to do that (which I woudnt) it still raises three issues:

- would you take the risk they'd drop it, as opposed to prosecute the child who is above the age of criminal responsibility?
- would you want your child involved any more than they automatically are in your own sad, sorry little mess?
- even if it was all fine, what sort of example are you giving that child?

Chocotrekkie Fri 12-Apr-13 14:27:15

If ds had accepted the misdemeanor it could have had an impact on his whole life - loads of jobs want a clean crb and things like adoption/fostering etc may become harder for him - even in 20 years time. He could get a high profile public job - does he want this on the front page of the newspapers..

Is this really what your oh wants for your son ??

Jux Fri 12-Apr-13 14:17:56

Sorry, lastbananaboat. What are you going to do?

PottedPlant Fri 12-Apr-13 12:40:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Apr-13 07:33:58

Sorry x

lastbananaboat Fri 12-Apr-13 00:06:33

This was also my thought, and it has been really for many years - how could a father do this to his son? At what point in his brain would he think it was ok???

AnyFucker boundary crossed, end of line reached.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 22:54:51

This is your line, your boundary

Right ?

dadofnone Thu 11-Apr-13 22:52:53

As I read your post I glanced over to my DH and DS (13) snuggled up on the settee. I have thought of how he goes the extra 100 lies to make life as near perfect as he can for them and all the advantages he has given them.

It would never ever cross his mind to do a nasty trick like this. If he did I would think he had become a different person. And I would be looking for a way out to protect my kids!

tribpot Thu 11-Apr-13 22:46:06

A truly despicable suggestion.

OHforDUCKScake Thu 11-Apr-13 22:38:28

Forgive him? If my husband tried to blame something like that one one of our sons I would divorce him faster than he could say sorry.

What kind of person does that.

OP I real feel for you what an awful situation you are in. Stay strong.

CarpeVinum Thu 11-Apr-13 22:23:46

When H made the suggestion it was one of those moments when you remember exactly where you were, how place looked, time of day etc, so big was the impact of what he said.

<big fat hug>

I totally understand that feeling. It's like the scales you put in your own eyes just fell out cos the glue used self destructed in the name of "this low! Seriously?"

My moment was over 25 years ago, and I can run back the whole moment, including smells, like it only just happened. I suddenly saw with crystal clear clarity that my future was going to be "more of this, and worse" unless I actively chose something different. It was liberating and terrifying all at the same time.

It sounds awful, but the nicest thing my first husband ever did for me was be horrible enough for me to see his true colours so clearly that it pierced my duvet of partial denial long enough for me to make a run for it.

I'm both sorry and glad if the above resonates with you. Sorry you find yourself here, glad you have the breif moment of insight to give you a signposted route to knowing you and your son deserve so very much better.

lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 21:56:05

No, DS wont get into trouble, i wont allow it.

Well, in character to a degree I would say, but I am shocked as to the depths he was prepared to go to on this one.
When H made the suggestion it was one of those moments when you remember exactly where you were, how place looked, time of day etc, so big was the impact of what he said.
No I dont feel it good that DC should see H as a role model and i realise that i have made excuse after excuse after excuse to them for some of his behaviour. He goes into small boy/pity me mode when something goes wrong and i end up feeling I have to fix the problem for him. But not this time.
No more I dont think.

cumfy Thu 11-Apr-13 13:17:32

It sounds like he has narcissistic personality disorder.

Why, exactly, did you love and respect him ?

iloveweetos Thu 11-Apr-13 12:14:14

I agree with fairenuff

I hope your son doesn't get into trouble over this. End of the day he is 14 and i don't know how this is approached but if it stays with him, how would it affect his future? Has your son said anything regarding this?

Fairenuff Thu 11-Apr-13 12:11:02

he seems to be able to worm into my head that this is not a big issue, that he is not worried about what he did but only that he got caught

That's because it's not a big issue. To him.

He is being perfectly upfront and honest with you. He is saying "I am being an entitled arse. I would rather sacrifice my son to save myself from a fine. And I'm ok with that. I would do it again. As long as I am alright, that's all I care about."

Is this the sort of person you want as a husband and a father to your children?

OhLori Thu 11-Apr-13 12:10:02

It sounds very sad too, regarding your feelings of love and respect being so damaged. But I do think its important to stay with your feelings and your gut instinct. I think all you can do is stay with those for a while, and see what happens ...

OhLori Thu 11-Apr-13 12:06:06

I doubt the Authorities would believe that a 14 year old child would do this anyway, unless put up to it by an adult. So he may be about to get in even more trouble <very stupid> and possibly drag your son into it too. I think I would be embarrassed. It sounds very cowardly, and to be honest rather strange - to use an old MN expression, how old is he, 10? As someone has already said, an important question for me would be whether this is in-character or totally out-of-character.

lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 11:54:59

He wont go for counselling or GP. I am because he seems to be able to worm into my head that this is not a big issue, that he is not worried about what he did but only that he got caught.

When he told me about blaming DS i was so angry and disgusted that he would even think of such a thing and i told him so. I am sure that if i had said i thought it would ok to do that he would have done it. Just more passing of responsibilty.

claudedebussy Thu 11-Apr-13 09:25:28

no i could not forgive.

MandragoraWurzelstock Thu 11-Apr-13 09:23:44

total deal breaker. Sorry.

Do you have some RL support, if you decide to end the relationship?

Fairenuff Thu 11-Apr-13 09:16:45

Ah well, if he can never accept that he is wrong, this is why he did it then. He had to blame your son so that, officially, he is not in the wrong.

By trying to avoid his consequences, he is able to avoid accepting responsibility for his actions.

Now he will be forced to face the consequences and it will be official. That is what he is concerned about, not your son.

How awful to try and get his own child into trouble. How awful that, instead of being the person your son can turn to in times of need, he is metaphorically stabbing him in the back.

Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me. Couldn't live with a man I didn't love, trust and respect.

Dahlen Thu 11-Apr-13 08:10:49

Yes it would.

Although it rather sounds like he's not a man worthy of your love and respect in the first place.

tallwivglasses Thu 11-Apr-13 01:18:26

I also think this would indicate some form of mental illness. Did he think once you'd given him permission, you'd have a little chat with DS just to warn him he was about to become a juvenile delinquent? hmm

olgaga Thu 11-Apr-13 01:09:42

But in order to avoid punishment he wanted to blame the 'amendment' on DS, age 14

Whatever this is about, it's terrible. Criminal, abusive to your DS and yes, unforgivable.

LittleEdie Thu 11-Apr-13 00:57:58

Is this out of character for him?

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