Would this kill any love/respect you had for your H?

[lastbananaboat]

Hi, I am a regular poster but gone in disguise for this...

My H recently told me that he had been issued a fine for a small misdemeanour. Not a problem.

However, he went on to 'amend' the fine notice and got found out by the issuing authority.

But in order to avoid punishment he wanted to blame the 'amendment' on DS, age 14, telling the authorities that DS had done it, not him. His 'amendment' was to change written info on the form. I did not let him do this!

I feel disgusted that H could even think of such a thing let alone be prepared to do it.
It has killed any respect I had for him, and with it love.

Would you feel the same? could you forgive this?

[Vicky2011]

well of course the details are a bit sketchy but on the basis of what you have written yes I would feel the same and no I don't think I could forgive it. Basically he tried to frame his own son?!?

[fortyplus]

He'll end up in prison if he gets found out - perverting the course of justice is a serious crime. What a prat - no I wouldn't forgive sorry.

[Ouchmyhead]

I think I understand ... Your DH got a fine, wrote on the fine to change it, got caught and wants to blame his son so he doesn't get it more trouble? If I've got that right, that's about the lowest of the low! I would definitely lose respect for my DP, I mean who wants to blame anything on their child? Surely a parents job is to protect them, not use them as scapegoats for your mistakes!

[ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni]

That's horrible. I couldn't even look at him again.

[lastbananaboat]

Ouchmyhead you have it exactly right.
The impact of doing such a thing on DS just before he is starting to set out to find work would be terrible, he would find it impossible to get a job with a 'record'.
What sort of 'father' could even think it would be ok? H was asking my permission to do it, even more passing of responsibilty! Pah!!

[dontyouwantmebaby]

I would feel the same as you OP, it would kill any respect and yes, some love.

It is quite cowardly of him to even suggest letting your young son take the blame for his father's stupidity. That it was a fine for a small misdemeanour makes it seem all the worse tbh. (tho its not iyswim)

[spiritedaway]

OK...i agree with all of above, but did he just spout it out as a half-assed reaction or do you think he would have gone through with it?

[lastbananaboat]

The fine was something that happened, I didnt know about it until he told me about 4 weeks after he had 'amended' the notice and was in trouble over it.
He suggested what he did when he had been found out by the authorities.
So possibly half-assed reaction, but his son??? To me even the thought is bad enough regardless of seeing it through.

[CarpeVinum]

No. It would set off massive alarm bells and have me ringing all and every psyche contact I had for an assessment ASAP. Becuase it would be so far out of character I would honestly suspect rapid onset of a mental health issue. Not least the asking of me if I would go along with it.

I think ypu need to ask youself if this shocks you to the core, as in, is this this something you just can see this man doing when in his right mind. If not, then I think it can't hurt to investigate into any other out of the ordinary odd behavoirs and dig around to see if there are any unusual events or hapenings that may have acted as triggers or cataylsts.

If it doesn't seem wildly out of character then maybe this is your "you just hit rock bottom and I can't do this anymore" moment ?

Have you had to put up with a lot of undesirable behavoirs for a significant length of time ?

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm]

Two words. Chris Huhne.

How could he be so stoopid.

Apart from being despicable.

[badinage]

I had the same reaction as Carpe when I tried to imagine my own husband doing this. It would indeed mean he'd lost his mind.

But if he hid the fine from you in the first place, this suggests he's got form for lying and I'd guess there's even more you don't know.

Blaming your kids for your own criminality really is the lowest of the low. I can't see a way back from that.

[lastbananaboat]

Well CarpeVinum he is a man that will never accept he is in the wrong, ie if he gets a speeding fine it was because the camera caught him, not because he was speeding!
Many undesirable behaviours like sulking, silent treatment, selfish and been like it since we met really, so about 16 years!
Yes it did shock me to the core that he would allow DS to take the blame and also that he would think it ok to change a legal form : (

[badinage]

Ah well then it's your final straw.

Isn't it?

[lastbananaboat]

The icing on the cake I think!

[Jux]

That would be beyond my line, certainly.

What did you do when he asked? And what did he do?

[CarpeVinum]

lastbananaboat

Hmmm. Well, psyche stuff requires doctors, face to face, to get a diagnosis. But there is nothing in there that screams "head is fine, this is just the way he is". Cos will never accept he is in the wrong could be a bit red flaggy in its own right, and latest developments might be indicative of a bit of a further unravelling.

I had years of practice trying every trick in the book to get an ill person just into a normal doc's office let alone the hospital, so I know it can be impossible to get somebody to see a medic even if you have strong concerns that they may not be feeling themselves.

How do you think he would react to the suggestion he see somebody becuase his thought processes seemed so very "off" ?

If it would make things explosive, then I think its a non starter and I'd be loath to suggest it to him.

However... I would want something down in somebody's notes somewhere that this was brought up by him. Just in case he does it behind your back. That way you can leave a papertrail to cover your son's back. A doc or a coucellor's for you might well be an avenue creating records for those purposes.

I also think getting yourself some timely professional support is a good idea. To make sure constantly being exposed to a persistant minimlization of what he suggested doesn't have the effect over time of quasi-normalising his proposal in your mind over time. Where you go from here in your relationsip with him will be clearer routemap if you can protect your initial assessment of what he suggested from getting fuzzy and confused thanks to a campaign at home to make it seem less outragous and strange than it actually is.

[LittleEdie]

Is this out of character for him?

[olgaga]

But in order to avoid punishment he wanted to blame the 'amendment' on DS, age 14

Whatever this is about, it's terrible. Criminal, abusive to your DS and yes, unforgivable.

[tallwivglasses]

I also think this would indicate some form of mental illness. Did he think once you'd given him permission, you'd have a little chat with DS just to warn him he was about to become a juvenile delinquent?

[Dahlen]

Yes it would.

Although it rather sounds like he's not a man worthy of your love and respect in the first place.

[Fairenuff]

Ah well, if he can never accept that he is wrong, this is why he did it then. He had to blame your son so that, officially, he is not in the wrong.

By trying to avoid his consequences, he is able to avoid accepting responsibility for his actions.

Now he will be forced to face the consequences and it will be official. That is what he is concerned about, not your son.

How awful to try and get his own child into trouble. How awful that, instead of being the person your son can turn to in times of need, he is metaphorically stabbing him in the back.

Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me. Couldn't live with a man I didn't love, trust and respect.

[MandragoraWurzelstock]

total deal breaker. Sorry.

Do you have some RL support, if you decide to end the relationship?

[claudedebussy]

no i could not forgive.

[lastbananaboat]

He wont go for counselling or GP. I am because he seems to be able to worm into my head that this is not a big issue, that he is not worried about what he did but only that he got caught.

When he told me about blaming DS i was so angry and disgusted that he would even think of such a thing and i told him so. I am sure that if i had said i thought it would ok to do that he would have done it. Just more passing of responsibilty.

[OhLori]

I doubt the Authorities would believe that a 14 year old child would do this anyway, unless put up to it by an adult. So he may be about to get in even more trouble and possibly drag your son into it too. I think I would be embarrassed. It sounds very cowardly, and to be honest rather strange - to use an old MN expression, how old is he, 10? As someone has already said, an important question for me would be whether this is in-character or totally out-of-character.