Hi, I am a regular poster but gone in disguise for this...
My H recently told me that he had been issued a fine for a small misdemeanour. Not a problem.
However, he went on to 'amend' the fine notice and got found out by the issuing authority.
But in order to avoid punishment he wanted to blame the 'amendment' on DS, age 14, telling the authorities that DS had done it, not him. His 'amendment' was to change written info on the form. I did not let him do this!
I feel disgusted that H could even think of such a thing let alone be prepared to do it. It has killed any respect I had for him, and with it love.
I think I understand ... Your DH got a fine, wrote on the fine to change it, got caught and wants to blame his son so he doesn't get it more trouble? If I've got that right, that's about the lowest of the low! I would definitely lose respect for my DP, I mean who wants to blame anything on their child? Surely a parents job is to protect them, not use them as scapegoats for your mistakes!
Ouchmyhead you have it exactly right. The impact of doing such a thing on DS just before he is starting to set out to find work would be terrible, he would find it impossible to get a job with a 'record'. What sort of 'father' could even think it would be ok? H was asking my permission to do it, even more passing of responsibilty! Pah!!
I would feel the same as you OP, it would kill any respect and yes, some love.
It is quite cowardly of him to even suggest letting your young son take the blame for his father's stupidity. That it was a fine for a small misdemeanour makes it seem all the worse tbh. (tho its not iyswim)
The fine was something that happened, I didnt know about it until he told me about 4 weeks after he had 'amended' the notice and was in trouble over it. He suggested what he did when he had been found out by the authorities. So possibly half-assed reaction, but his son??? To me even the thought is bad enough regardless of seeing it through.
No. It would set off massive alarm bells and have me ringing all and every psyche contact I had for an assessment ASAP. Becuase it would be so far out of character I would honestly suspect rapid onset of a mental health issue. Not least the asking of me if I would go along with it.
I think ypu need to ask youself if this shocks you to the core, as in, is this this something you just can see this man doing when in his right mind. If not, then I think it can't hurt to investigate into any other out of the ordinary odd behavoirs and dig around to see if there are any unusual events or hapenings that may have acted as triggers or cataylsts.
If it doesn't seem wildly out of character then maybe this is your "you just hit rock bottom and I can't do this anymore" moment ?
Have you had to put up with a lot of undesirable behavoirs for a significant length of time ?
Well CarpeVinum he is a man that will never accept he is in the wrong, ie if he gets a speeding fine it was because the camera caught him, not because he was speeding! Many undesirable behaviours like sulking, silent treatment, selfish and been like it since we met really, so about 16 years! Yes it did shock me to the core that he would allow DS to take the blame and also that he would think it ok to change a legal form : (
Hmmm. Well, psyche stuff requires doctors, face to face, to get a diagnosis. But there is nothing in there that screams "head is fine, this is just the way he is". Cos will never accept he is in the wrong could be a bit red flaggy in its own right, and latest developments might be indicative of a bit of a further unravelling.
I had years of practice trying every trick in the book to get an ill person just into a normal doc's office let alone the hospital, so I know it can be impossible to get somebody to see a medic even if you have strong concerns that they may not be feeling themselves.
How do you think he would react to the suggestion he see somebody becuase his thought processes seemed so very "off" ?
If it would make things explosive, then I think its a non starter and I'd be loath to suggest it to him.
However... I would want something down in somebody's notes somewhere that this was brought up by him. Just in case he does it behind your back. That way you can leave a papertrail to cover your son's back. A doc or a coucellor's for you might well be an avenue creating records for those purposes.
I also think getting yourself some timely professional support is a good idea. To make sure constantly being exposed to a persistant minimlization of what he suggested doesn't have the effect over time of quasi-normalising his proposal in your mind over time. Where you go from here in your relationsip with him will be clearer routemap if you can protect your initial assessment of what he suggested from getting fuzzy and confused thanks to a campaign at home to make it seem less outragous and strange than it actually is.
I also think this would indicate some form of mental illness. Did he think once you'd given him permission, you'd have a little chat with DS just to warn him he was about to become a juvenile delinquent?
He wont go for counselling or GP. I am because he seems to be able to worm into my head that this is not a big issue, that he is not worried about what he did but only that he got caught.
When he told me about blaming DS i was so angry and disgusted that he would even think of such a thing and i told him so. I am sure that if i had said i thought it would ok to do that he would have done it. Just more passing of responsibilty.