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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

advice re solicitor and controlling husband. Odd behaviour.

28 replies

Lahti · 10/04/2013 21:24

Hi all, I have posted here a couple of times with the following posts. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1662463-Am-I-being-unreasonable and www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726740-Legally-separate-or-divorce

Anyway H went to a solicitor today and explained that I had asked him to move out of the house and wanted to separate. Apparently she advised him that we should go back to couples counselling to sort out our differences. She then went on to say that we could downsize our house and then get another property as a buy to let!!!
My question is do you think a solicitor really said this?
Is this just a way to take control again? Did he even go to a solicitor? I am getting a bit concerned about his behaviour as I rang the citizens advice bureau regarding finances and the house and I mentioned a couple of minor things regarding his behaviour and they told me to contact Womens Aid. I did ring womens aid and they described him to a tee. Not sure what to think, just feeling a bit odd about it all.

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Lueji · 10/04/2013 21:29

My rule of thumb is never to trust these men.

Go to a solicitor yourself and see what they say.

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cestlavielife · 10/04/2013 21:30

And you believing his version..? Ask for it in writing fom the solicitor.
See your own solicitor.

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Lahti · 10/04/2013 21:32

Thanks for the replies. I really don't know what to think but I dont want to take any of that advice. I am seeing my solicitor on Tuesday and will see what she thinks.

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Lueji · 10/04/2013 21:32

Also, if they were that concerned, make sure you have a quick exit plan.
Money, clothes, documents stashed away safely, out of the house.
And a charged mobile phone with you at all times.

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betterthanever · 10/04/2013 21:32

It is not a solicitors place to offer relationship counselling they could suggest mediation to sort out the split which may have given him the idea for this fairytale. How you live in terms of accommodation is also not a solicitors business.

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lalalonglegs · 10/04/2013 21:37

I know what you should think: that he is lying through his sorry arse. WTF would a solicitor be giving him buy to let advice for when he supposedly went to see her about a divorce .

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Pilgit · 10/04/2013 21:48

What you are hearing is his version of what he thought he heard his solicitor say. You do not know what he asked for advice on. She may have suggested mediation and in his mind has turned this into couples counselling. As to the house - seems very odd and to give that advice he has to have been talking about something else! Get your own advice and ignore, ignore, ignore what he says.

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Lahti · 10/04/2013 21:52

The thing is though, he knows exactly what mediation is as he suggested it a few days ago as a way to reduce our legal costs in divorce. I just wonder what is going on in his head. I don't think this divorce will be simple and even when we are divorced I don't think his controlling behaviour will be behind me

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ivykaty44 · 10/04/2013 21:53

He never went to see a solicitor and therefore no the solicitor never said - ok you have marital problems what you need to do is downsize your house and get a buy to let property - no

Is your dh really does have a good imagination.

Ask for the solictiors address as your solicitor has asked for the name as he wants to correspond with them....

oh and then listen to all the excuses why he doesn't have address or name etc blah blah with a wry smile on your face

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Lahti · 10/04/2013 21:57

ivykaty I have already done that and the firm and solicitor check out. Weird, just weird.

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cestlavielife · 10/04/2013 22:24

Legal advice from your own solicitor.
Women's aid or your own counsellor to talk thru strategies re his controlling behaviour and setting your boundaries. You will need your wits about you but diff people have diff roles... I saw a counsellor who had a background in family law but she was good at sayin this is solicitor, this is to discuss here... You need both

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Spero · 10/04/2013 22:31

What Pilgit said.

His solicitor may well have mentioned relationship counselling or buy to lets - not in any way 'advising' him down that road but simply discussing with him all sorts of possible scenarios. Any solicitor worth their salt would point out that legal proceedings are often expensive and emotionally draining so you need to be sure that you want to go down that road and there is no possibility that the relationship can be saved.

But no sensible solicitor could possibly 'advise' relationship counselling, that is well beyond their remit.

People often repeat back what they want to hear. I have clients give me their recollection of what a judge said at previous hearing, which is often very different to what I recall he/she said.

We all process things through a lense of our own expectations and hopes. He may not be being deliberately manipulative, he may genuinely believe that was advised but take him with a big pinch of salt until you see it written down by the actual solicitor.

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ivykaty44 · 11/04/2013 12:52

just because the firm and solicitor checked out - doesn't mean he visited them....

Did you check them out online by any chance?

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Pandemoniaa · 11/04/2013 13:03

He's telling you what he wants you to hear. But this time he's decided to try the added twist of an allegedly legal endorsement. Take no notice. At best he is twisting some of the advice he received. At worst it is all a complete fabrication.

I'd wait until I saw a letter from his solicitor before I believed anything.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/04/2013 13:29

I don't believe a solicitor said any such thing either. More importantly, how/why did this conversation come about? When you're dealing with manipulative liars, it's best to keep everything to 'I'll talk to my solicitor', very arms length, rather than discuss too many details. Are you still living together?

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badtime · 11/04/2013 13:34

The solicitor did not say this. See if he receives a confirmation of instructions letter, which any solicitor will send. He won't.

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SolidGoldBrass · 11/04/2013 14:00

You now this man is abusive and controlling, which is why you are dumping his sorry arse. So what you should do now is respond to everything he says with polite neutrality and consult solicitors, WA etc on your own behalf. You do not need his permission to separate from him and you do not need to agree to letting him take charge of the divorce.
If he becomes aggressive towards you, call the police. If he sends unpleasant texts or emails, keep a copy of them.
This man is your enemy and it's fine to lie to him to keep yourself safe, just don't sign any kind of agreements.

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Lahti · 11/04/2013 14:54

Hi all,
I will try and answer the Qs cogito he told me as we are STILL sharing a car (I get my own next week) and he said he wanted to be honest and open about it all. He has moved out.
ivy yep, I checked online.
SGB will do, it is just confusing when he us being "nice"

Haven't heard from him today but he wants to talk about it all tomorrow evening.

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Anniegetyourgun · 11/04/2013 20:19

XH told me his solicitor said that I should move out of the marital home and get my fancy man to pay maintenance for the kids. I asked whether he had told the solicitor the truth, that there was no fancy man. He just did a funny twisted smile and turned away. I did not hit him. I want a medal for that.

I never saw that alleged advice confirmed in writing, but I did see a few rather dodgy letters from his solicitor to mine that were clearly based on some very dubious facts he can only have got from his client. I was a bit sorry for XH's solicitor actually. It must be hard to represent a fantasist. (Especially one who somehow managed to get out of paying his bills.)

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/04/2013 09:29

Glad you're getting your own car.... the more physical distance you can put between you and this idiot, the less you have to listen to his rubbish.

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BerylStreep · 12/04/2013 12:06

I'd speak to your solicitor on Tuesday first, before you discuss any further matters with him.

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ponygirlcurtis · 12/04/2013 21:33

Hey Lahti - I've only just seen this thread or else I would have posted before. I've only read your OP (I'll read the rest in a sec) and my immediate reaction is 'rubbish'. Why would a solicitor tell him to downsize and buy an investment property with you? A solicitor would only be interested in advising him of what he should do in the event of a separation or divorce, what his rights are etc.

Ok, have now read the rest and see that everyone else thinks the same!

You said: I don't think I want to take any of that advice. This is the thing - any advice that solicitor gives your H is advice for himonly. He is their client, not you. That solicitor is not thinking about you, your needs, what's best for you. I agree with others that have said, if he actually did see this slctr then whatever has been said has been twisted by him for his own purposes - ie to confuse you/persuade you not to separate/whatever else is on his agenda.

Glad to hear he has moved out. Hope all goes ok with your talk this evening and he hasn't spun your head into more spaghetti - stay strong, you can do this, you've come so far already.

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Lahti · 12/04/2013 23:10

Hi pony I held strong and refused to go to joint counselling with him and kept saying I wanted to separate. I made him stick to the agenda of discussing access for our DD. He just will not accept that it is over and keeps asking for more time. Now he wants to buy a flat to live in while we sort out our differences as he doesn't want to stay with his mum and he feels that renting is wasting money. I am just sticking to my guns but I don't think he will accept it until he gets a letter from my solicitor.

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SolidGoldBrass · 13/04/2013 10:57

Honestly, just ignore what he says. It doesn't matter. He is not in charge of what's happening. As he no longer lives with you, it's fine to keep contact with him to a minimum ie insist on email only and do not respond to anything that's not about finance/access to DC. You are under no obligation to 'try again' or 'discuss the relationship'. You have separated (and good for you, he sounds a total dick) and he has no right to contact with you agaist your wishes.

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Hissy · 13/04/2013 11:12

What IS it with controlling arses and investment property?

MY ex has suggested that we buy together as an investment, it'll all be in my name, all rent to me etc etc.... why on EARTH does he think I want ANY legal connection to him at all?

Lahti Your ONLY concern is getting free of this idiot. Where he lives, with whom, rent/buy... NONE of your business. You can tell him that too!

Don't EVER agree to counselling with him, and tell EVERYONE outright and baldly to their faces that Counselling is NEVER recommended where ABUSE is present. Let them draw their own conclusions.

Relate won't touch you once they know that there is a suspicion of DV. and Laywers will back off if you stick to your guns. Screw mediation. If he hadn't treated you like shit, you wouldn't NEED to be separating/divorcing now would you? HE can pay for the divorce.

You don't have to do a thing as far as he is concerned, you don't have to agree to access, FWIW, what kind of person do you WANT teaching your child about relationships? An abuser? who hates himself and women? Why would you want that for DD? don't chase him about this, don't make any heroic efforts on his behalf wrt contact and your DC. If you show that it's important, he'll let them down, not show up, be mean, just to lash out at you. So shrug and leave the effort and arrangements to him. Neutral place, wait no more than 5 minutes, and then leave if he's not there.

You need to regain control of your life and day to day.

You BOTH need some space and time to heal and regain your respective strengths. He needs to do some thinking. Not that it will do any good like, but you never know...