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The apologies of an abusive man do they ever really mean anything?

(55 Posts)
committee Wed 10-Apr-13 17:51:50

After being subjected to some of the most vile verbal abuse I have experienced in my entire life, examples such as "you are a fucked up mental case", "a fat cunt", "I really hope you that cancer spreads through your body and you die" (whilst I was going through investigations for ovarian cancer) and the worst being, "you should commit suicide like your fucked up mother" (my mother had mental health issues and committed suicide when I was 13). This is only some of it and after 10 years I also discovered that he had been married and had 2 grown up sons before I met him. This I found out through our DS who was introduced to them as his brothers. I have to add this was one of many lies over the years. He lied about his age, his nationality, even his name. I was never allowed to meet any of his family or friends.

We have never really lived together and things were on and off for years. We used to do things as a family, outings,eat meals together etc, and I have an older DS from a previous relationship.

So finally something snapped and I had enough and I told him it was over and basically limited contact with XP. The abuse escalated to abusive meassages on my home phone, abusive texts and culminating in four days of abuse via email. I have stopped XP coming into my house anymore, even to use the toilet, when picking up DS2 as he was using this as an excuse to worm his way back in.

I have had to resort to using choose to refuse so as to have some peace. After a while the apologies, begging for forgiveness started by teaxt and email. He had been a dickhead and that he wanted us to be a family. He keeps suggesting that I should give him a chance and should talk to him. I know its all about him and what he feels and he knows what he has lost. Not once has he expressed any remorse for the pain, hurt and utter despair I have suffered. It is almost as though he expects me to forget about everything he has done and move on, go back to the ways things were. I cannot find it in myself to forgive any of it, I just want to get on with my life and I am so much happier now he is no longer around. The apologies are not really meant are they?

Kernowgal Wed 10-Apr-13 18:00:17

Of course they're not. You want actions, not words. Words are meaningless unless they're backed up with sustained efforts to show you he is remorseful.

Reread that sentence saying "I am so much happier now he is no longer around". Nobody who honestly cared for/about you would EVER abuse you in the way you describe. You're doing exactly what he wants by pondering his sincerity - don't drop your guard.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Apr-13 18:00:25

No... Elton John was quite wrong. 'Sorry' is actually the easiest word when it's in the mouth of a bully. Should you let him back in your life he would revert to type quicker than you can say 'dickhead'. I have a crisp tenner here that says if you reject or ignore his apologies the same thing will happen.

TooYappy Wed 10-Apr-13 18:03:12

No it's complete bullshit.

No doubt he has changed too. hmm

The last thing you would want to is 'be a family' with this man.

You said you are happier anyway, keep moving on and blocking him.
I am unsure from your post why are you even considering going back toa life like that tbh

Katisha Wed 10-Apr-13 18:03:58

Stay firm. The abuse didnt work so he is trying a different tack to get back in control of you.

As you say, it's all about him.

Next tactic could well be crises that he needs you to sort out or suicide threats. If this is the case, call the police to his address.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 10-Apr-13 18:06:36

No. Those words aren't just verbally lashing out (which is horrible enough), they are designed to get at the things he knows will cut you deepest. It takes a nasty, nasty individual to go for the jugular like that. Keep well away.

WildlingPrincess Wed 10-Apr-13 18:10:42


committee Wed 10-Apr-13 18:17:01

Thank you so much for replying; I know you are both absolutely right. He is a bully and very manipulative with it. It's just that he has a way of making me feel guilty as though I am depriving him of something and he is suffering because of what I am doing. Whilst he sits and wallows in self-pity it is almost as though he doesn't recognise or or acknowledge the effect his words have on me. I am only half the person I used to be. When I met him, I had picked up my life after years of depression and was in a really good place, I had lots of friends and saw my family regularly. I have none of that now. I suffer from really bad anxiety and I have no-one I can talk to and he thinks he is the only one who does anything for me.

He even says "he has learnt his lesson now" as if what I was doing was merely a punishment and that I should take him back now. Will he ever let go do you think? It is such a struggle sometimes to keep the barriers up when he is always getting at me. I don't feel anything for him I just want him to leave me alone. I know that is difficult because we have a child (6 year old) together and we do need to have some contact.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Apr-13 18:28:05

He will let go eventually. You just have to freeze him out.. metaphorically speaking. Drop contact except for all but essential communications about your child and even keep that to impersonal methods like text or e-mail rather than talking.

At the same time, pick back up with your friends and family, see your GP about the anxiety and keep making small steps forward in rebuilding your confidence. The more attractive the future looks the less hold the past will have on you.

Good luck

committee Wed 10-Apr-13 18:45:35

Thank you everyone for you advice. I am in tears reading it all as I think I have bottled everything up for so long for the kids' sake and it really helps hearing that I am doing the right thing.

I have been to see my GP and was referred for counselling. However, the appointment I received was an evening one which I couldn't do because of childcare. I am still waiting for another appointment.

I feel such a fool for being so gullible and taken in by all his lies. I met him through a newspaper advertisement and I was really naive looking back on it, although I had never met anyone like him before. The red flags were there, they just went over my head as I so wanted things to work. He was ok mostly until I became pregnant then it was almost as if he changed into a monster. I went through pregnancy, unsupported and treated really badly. It didn't get any better once the baby arrived. I should have been looking after the baby, other DS, doing everything in the house including his ironing, cooking everything. He did not lift a finger to help. He could not understand why I was so exhausted as his mother had 4 kids and worked and did everything. So I was left feeling like some kind of failure as I could not cope. He went off and I later discovered had been contacting other women in the newspaper because "he was not happy with me". He also threatened me, hit me around the head and pushed me and kicked me when I fell on the floor, after I asked him to leave. He tried to turn my family against me by telling them I would not let him see DS. This was not true, I just didn't want him coming to my house to see him.

I have lost 10 years of my life to this man and I sit here at the age of 47 thinking where do I go from here?

perfectstorm Wed 10-Apr-13 19:09:30

You're not gullible. There's nothing wrong with you - you're not the one with a problem. It's natural, normal and healthy to trust people we love and are in intimate relationships with, that's how they're supposed to work. The person with a problem is the one who chooses not to reciprocate with equal kindness, trust and respect, but to take those positive and good qualities from their partner and actually use them against them. There's very little defence against that sort of betrayal, because those are positive, life-affirming qualities, and without them nobody could form a good relationship. There's always a risk in loving anyone, and miserably you got dealt very bad cards here. Well done you for walking away and realising what you were involved with.

He's lost control of you and he wants it back. That's all, really. That simple. It's a game and he'll say whatever he thinks will work so he can get you back where he wants you. You know, a very large proportion of domestic abuse does start when the woman is pregnant. There's no coincidence in men like Mick Philpott wanting their women constantly pregnant. You're uniquely vulnerable, and they don't need to worry about you leaving, so they lose the one thing that stopped them being that vile to you earlier.

You're still fairly young and it was only 10 years. It's a bugger, definitelly, but it's not that much out of a lifetime. You had 37 before him and you have another 40 ahead of you, free of him and with the world your oyster. Just imagine if you'd stayed, and that was the rest of your life?

Don't read emails from him. Save them to a file unread. Do you have a relative or friend you could ask to manage handovers of your DS, at least for a while, so there's no contact at all? And I would contact Women's Aid if you haven't already, so you can get some professional support.

What you've been through is awful, but it's over and you're out. You don't have to forgive him, either. Why should you? Just as you say, forget and move on.

betterthanever Wed 10-Apr-13 19:24:24

You are being incredible and I can't add too much to the great advice already given but whilst it will stay hard for a while it will not be like this forever. You deserve so much more, he will never change.

committee Wed 10-Apr-13 19:46:15

I really appreciate your kind words. I know I am finally free and I should believe in myself more but I suppose when I had been told for so many years that I was " a mental case" and a " fucked up cunt" after a while I started to believe it. He always used to say to me that no-one elso would want me only him.

When I met him I thought of myself as an attractive, intelligent woman and I had part qualified as a solicitor. I had a really good personality and a sense of humour. I can now see I gave XP a life, all our social life was with my friends and family. I also now know why he wouldn't let me me meet any of his. The relationship he had with his ex-wife was an abusive one and that is why they divorced. He did not want me to find out about his past. I was when he met me, everything he is not. I suppose he wanted to bring me down, like everyone says to control me and for me to be the perfect 1950's housewife (which I am not) meeting his every whim, sexual and otherwise. It did not matter if I was happy or not.

Do you what my DS2 has just come upstairs and given me a big kiss on the cheek and told me he loves me and that I am the best mummy. Wow I am so lucky aren't I?

Hissy Wed 10-Apr-13 19:55:40

In answer to your question... NO, apologies are not apologies, it's a change in tactic.

I've seen the poor excuse for a human being supposed Mentor for a 'programme', he was the best they had to show, and he stood on stage and blamed his wife for his abuse.


Don't ever let that wanker in your life again. Never, ever, ever.

You ARE a great woman, mother and partner, but not for that terrible man. Let your dc see the truth, age appropriate of course, and they will navigate their way around him, knowing that they have NO entitlement to follow in his footsteps.

Well done.

Hissy Wed 10-Apr-13 19:58:26

Oh so you were a 'mental case' too? Me too. Apparently. - spent 5 years in a mental institution. Apparently.

That's what he told my best friend's husband.

All this will pass chick, you will heal.

Have you tried therapy yet? Or the freedom programme? Ideally both! Made a massive change in my life, I can tell you.

Keep posting, keep asking questions, we'll be here to help if you need it!

committee Wed 10-Apr-13 20:12:37

At the moment XP is being on his best behaviour at handovers and doesn't try to initiate conversation or anything. I just say goodbye to DS and send him out. It's just as well as my family (brother and his wife) don't live close by and I'm not really in contact with any friends and the ones I know at school don't know me well enough.

There was one occasion, however, when XP brought DS home early and DS had wanted to stay overnight with him. DS was really upset and wanted XP to stay and wouldn't let XP go, so I was put in a position of having to let XP come into the house. It was extremely uncomfortable for me and I did have to ask XP to leave which he did but with me having to deal with the aftermath with DS. I think this was one of XP's attempts to engineer a situation which would mean he could come into my house. He can be quite difficult over contact cancelling at the last minute and letting DS down but it is doe to get back at me.

tribpot Wed 10-Apr-13 20:12:46

Christ. Even if he did mean these apologies, why on earth would you want to take this utter shit of a man back? Even if he never said a single word wrong again (and let's be honest, this is has a zero probability) why would you want to spend any time with someone who's been so vile to you?

I have lost 10 years of my life to this man and I sit here at the age of 47 thinking where do I go from here?

Anywhere you damn well want, lady. You can do anything you put your mind to.

committee Wed 10-Apr-13 20:18:22

Yes I agree XP is a vile putrid excuse for a human being. I would not wish him on anyone. God help his next victim. Oh yes he still believes he is a great catch at 57, with erectile dysfunction, a limp, bald, overweight and a volatile temperament. They will be falling at his feet. I deserved so much better didn't I?

ThePinkOcelot Wed 10-Apr-13 20:29:52

Did he have anything going for him OP? He sounds like a mixture between the elephant man and quasimodo above!

committee Wed 10-Apr-13 20:34:03

I suppose I must be doing something right. I am bringing up 2 wonderful boys on my own. DS1 hasn't had it easy he has AS and although intellectually advanced he finds social interaction hard. XP always called him a freak and once when he was just 6 years old XP shouted in DS1's face that he should be locked up, all because he wanted to change the channel on the TV to baby TV for his baby brother. I threw XP out after that but somehow he manipulated his way back into our lives.

My boys are wonderful, DS1 started at one of the most selective boys schools in the country last September and he is really flying and has settled in really well. They accept him for who he is, quirkiness and all. A far cry from the state primary he went to where he was told he "had to conform". So much for the Disability Discrimination Act; I thought the school was supposed to adapt to meet his needs not for him to do the impossible and struggle to fit in. DS2 is amazing and really mature and articulate for a 6 year old. He has more empathy in his little finger than XP has in his whole body.

AmberLeaf Wed 10-Apr-13 20:38:36

He sounds awful, well done for making the break.

No his words are meaningless and yes it is just another tactic to get round you.

Don't let him guilt you into feeling sorry for him, he doesn't deserve anything from you.

Kernowgal Wed 10-Apr-13 20:40:42

I had picked up my life after years of depression and was in a really good place, I had lots of friends and saw my family regularly.

And there's no reason you can't get back to this place again. You're doing brilliantly. I had to chuckle at your description of him (and do a double take) as he sounds remarkably similar to my ex!

And yes, you DO deserve so much better.

committee Wed 10-Apr-13 20:41:40

Well ThePinkOcelot bitter moi? No really he is soooo charming when you meet him you overlook the flaws. I was taken in by him and he would be kind sometimes I suppose to reel me in. I'm not really one for gifts but when we first met he bought me a Louis Vuitton handbag (I'm not sure if I've spelt that correctly) and I didn't know it was meant to be expensive but he kept telling me it was. Some years down the line it was makeup from the pound shop for Christmas as I suppose he thought that was all I was worth. He would always make a point of telling me what he wanted and that year it was a £300 home entertainment system, which like a fool I did buy him. I thought it would make him happy and he might, just might be a bit nicer to me. How wrong I was.

committee Wed 10-Apr-13 20:46:03

Thank you, thank you so much everyone. Your support is wonderful. You know I have been laughing and crying at the same time!

Kernowgal Wed 10-Apr-13 20:46:13

Enjoy your boys, Committee, and enjoy the feelings of relaxation and not walking on eggshells. Enjoy watching your kids blossom now this arsehole no longer has a hold on you.

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