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please help me make sense of my marriage.

(162 Posts)
ISeeBeforeMe Wed 10-Apr-13 11:56:39


For the last couple of nights my husband has been really moody with me because I haven't wanted to have sex. He stormed around the flat in the night and then huffed off to work.

I suddenly feel like I have just woken up. Like unless I act in a certain way, he will be mad at me, and that I have just done certain things so that he will be happy.

i feel really sad. I left uni when i married and have no access to money, except grocery money.

I just feel so low, like there is nothing I can do.

clam Wed 10-Apr-13 12:00:46

Oh dear. You poor thing.
Can I ask why you have no access to money? Are you not working? Do you have children?

ISeeBeforeMe Wed 10-Apr-13 12:02:19

No I don't work but I am going to look for a job. I don't have any experience at anything.

no children.

clam Wed 10-Apr-13 12:05:10

How receptive do you think he'd be to you sitting him down to talk? If he treats you dismissively and with a lack of respect, then I'm not surprised you don't want to sleep with him.

ISeeBeforeMe Wed 10-Apr-13 12:08:38

I don't know to be honest.

sometimes he says that it's okay to have a certain amount of freedom. I do an evening class, but then he punishes me by being really angry asking loads of questions, and if i don't have sex on the day of class he gets Really mad.

i just want to run away.

FrauMoose Wed 10-Apr-13 12:13:15

You could ring 0808 2000 247 It's the free phone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline.

Violent controlling behaviour is not just about being beaten up, it's about being isolated, deprived of money, being made to feel scared and on edge.

I hope that you find it in you to make a happier life. And that you can find people who will help you to do this.

Kaluki Wed 10-Apr-13 12:32:59

sometimes he says that it's okay to have a certain amount of freedom. I do an evening class, but then he punishes me by being really angry asking loads of questions, and if i don't have sex on the day of class he gets Really mad.

Who is he to 'allow' you your freedom?
He's your husband not your keeper!
He's done a good job on you, he has made you think you can't cope without him, withholding money and keeping you at home.
You can get a job, he has just made you think you can't.

sassy34264 Wed 10-Apr-13 12:45:15

Sometimes he says it's okay to have a certain amount of freedom.

I left uni when i married....

He seems to be under the impression that husband means Boss.

He is not the boss of you. You are the boss of you. Yes you compromise and can't always do everything you want in a relationship, but there should never ever be one person who is in the control of the other. It's madness. This isn't the dark ages.

Can you go back to uni?

Are you frightened of him?

Has he ever physically hit you?

What do you mean by, punishes you?

If you are not safe than i strongly suggest that you get help to enable you to be so.

You don't need to be treated this way.

babyradio Wed 10-Apr-13 12:56:20

What a tosser, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation - but it's only for the best that you have had your eyes opened and I hope you know this is not a situation of your making. You can stop it today if you choose to - YOU ultimately have the power, not him, he's just making you feel like you have no power so that you will be frightened to leave him. Does that make sense?

There are so many places that can help you. I had a relationship that sounds much like this between the ages of 19-21 and it took a LOT for me to leave him. I was vulnerable and young and he took advantage of that.

If he is coercing you into having sex with him by means of blackmail, anger, aggression or anything else - that is not right. You DO NOT have to put up with that.

Is there anyone you can go to - family/friends?

BertieBotts Wed 10-Apr-13 13:57:52

OP have you looked at the Emotional Abuse support thread on here? I think you might find it enlightening reading.

ISeeBeforeMe Wed 10-Apr-13 17:04:51


He punishes me sometimes by being really angry and scary. Previously we had to move out of the area so i was by myself. He wants to move again soon. Only hits if i make too many mistakes.

i have some friends now, but not family. No one i can stay with i don't think.

i will look at the thread thank you.

Is it better to gather money for a few months rent and go? Or wait til i have a job?

Only hits if i make too many mistakes.

Only ?

You do know it is wrong for him to hit you at all don't you?

I'm so sorry to hear your situation. You need someone to help you get out of this. Is there anyone?

You say you want to run away and that is a good instinct. How are you going to do this?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 10-Apr-13 17:14:31

Read this thread OP

ISeeBeforeMe Wed 10-Apr-13 17:18:54

I am going to get a flat share? I don't know exactly how to do this. I can gather enough for a few months. Then get job or sign on???
i live in ldn so v expensive.
is this naive?

reading thread...

FrauMoose Wed 10-Apr-13 17:22:03

I think it would be useful to contact Women's Aid, because your particular situation means there may be some additional help available for you in terms of getting rehoused.

sassy34264 Wed 10-Apr-13 17:22:35

Only hits if i make too many mistakes.

Is there a set rule? 5 mistakes and you get a smack?

You're not his child to discipline. shock

I personally would leave straight away, but i know that's not always possible.

How can you gather money if he doesn't give you any?

A job could take a while.

I would ring womans aid tomorrow. Someone will post the number soon. I will do it in a bit, if no-one does, as i am too busy with dinner at the minute to look it up.

sassy34264 Wed 10-Apr-13 17:24:40

Guilt got the better of me

0808 2000 247

it's 24 hours, so you can ring anytime.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Apr-13 17:25:46

Do contact Womens Aid. You're in an abusive relationship at the moment and WA can give you a lot of really good advice on how to get yourself out of it and move on safely. There is help available if you know where to look and who to ask. That includes finance, emergency accommodation and so on. As you are married you have quite a lot of legal rights to any marital property or assets. If you can make it to an appointment with a solicitor, some offer a free initial consultation. If you don't feel safe doing that - he seems to keep very close tabs on your movements - then get yourself away and deal with the legal side from a place of security.

Good luck

ISeeBeforeMe Wed 10-Apr-13 17:26:26

What do you mean, my particular situation?

i know his pin. I have some jewellery. Other things i can sell too.

i am scared to call wa. Will they call the police? Will they make me show them?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Apr-13 17:28:41

WA won't call the police, they'll give you confidential advice. Your 'particular situation' is that of an abused wife. You may not be able to process that description at present but that's sadly where you are.

I'm attaching a link to Womens Aid here and you should read the section on what constitutes abuse. I think you'll recognise quite a few of the behaviours.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 10-Apr-13 17:29:32

No WA will not call the police, unless you want to. They want you to be in control and decide what happens next.

Womens aid website

ISeeBeforeMe Wed 10-Apr-13 17:30:48

Will it show up on phone? Bill not in my name?

sorry for all the q.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 10-Apr-13 17:31:39

Please make sure you delete any information you look up online, and hide this thread

ISeeBeforeMe Wed 10-Apr-13 17:32:43

Yes i have secret email, and laptop. Have smartphone but he gets bill.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 10-Apr-13 17:32:49

Cut and pasted from the website:

"Will the number show up on my phone bill?
The Helpline number will not show up on BT landline phone bills. If you have another service provider you will need to check with their customer services team"

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