Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Don't really want to post but feel like I'm going nutty!(130 Posts)
Long story short, me and DP have been together just under a year. He's taken to DS very well, helps out a lot, is supportive & seems respectful.
But I was borrowing his phone to check my FB via his (he knew and was there) and I saw that he's liked this page & gets daily updates, basically of women in their underwear with the option of seeing them naked elsewhere on the internet (they usually post pics with links to more explicit material).
I know a lot of blokes occasionally use porn and for some reason that doesn't bother me but I just didn't think he was the 'type'.
The issue is partly because I think it's a bit sleazy & partly because whilst not massive I obviously look like I've had a kid naked & despite him saying he prefers me now to when I was a twig, I don't believe him, as I used to be the same size as most of these girls etc.
I know this is probably stupid but I feel like saying something (carefully) to him as I'm now silently judging him & feeling like it's changed my view of him slightly, which isn't that fair is it if I haven't asked him about it.
Sorry for rambling!
I clicked on the link and found that 6 of my friends "like" the Suicide girls facebook page too. Five of them are straight women and the one who is male is very happily married to a good friend of mine. I've always thought it's a site for alternative models to show off their tattoos. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my DP looked at it to be honest.
Doesn't matter what we think, it matters what you think. You don't like it and you are surprised he is looking at the pics. Talk to him about it. Don't think your size is relevant tho'. My hubby was all about big boobs before he met me. It is the attraction between the two in the relationship that counts.
It's not really 'alternative', it wasn't set up by women and it doesn't in any way celebrate women who are attractive in diverse ways. They are pretty much all very young, skinny and white. Who cares that they've got tattoos? (I'm speaking as someone with multiple tattoos and piercings myself).
Its soft porn for people who like to think they're better or more interesting than your average gawper.
OP, it would make me feel annoyed and insecure too.
That's what I mean...I don't want it to bother me but it does, because of my views in general.
Not sure how to get a chat going without accidently putting him on the defensive. Any ideas?
Sometimes someone might share a photo and you might like the page it came from and from them on it clogs up your feed with loads of photos! It happens to me all the time, I see something somebody else has liked it makes me laugh so I like the page and then boom! 300 photos a day on my feed which I don't necessarily like. My dp liked a page because he liked a photo of Marian Carey and the page was celebrating women with big bums so everyday photos of big bottomed women come up on his feed!
He will probably get defensive, he flicks through quickly if you are there so he is uncomfortable about you knowing. It is difficult because you have strong views and have been burned in the past. I think you need to own the fact that you have a problem with it and start from there. You haven't been together long and you will be learning new things about each other all the time. Learning to talk about issues that make you uncomfortable is important and the only way to start is to throw yourself into it! Obviously in a nonconfrontational, nonjudgmental manner.......good luck with that
never managed it myself
I broached it this morning & he said it was just for the tattoos
it isn't just for tattoos, as I know he searched for a few of the girls etc but nevermind but I said I know I can be insecure & I have strong opinions on it but he said if it makes me feel that way he'll unlike it.
I feel much better tbh knowing he was willing to do that to make me feel more comfortable.
Thanks for the advice!
Glad you feel better.
Did you talk to him about porn, objectification of women etc to find out what he thinks? I am a bit concerned that he hasn't been totally honest with you...
I've not gone into the full on talk yet, didn't have time this morning but fully intend to this evening when we have plenty of time.
(I can't be with someone who feels it's a non-issue if you see what I mean, it's just something I feel too strongly about. May sound OTT but it'd just be too much of a moral clash).
You already know that he searched for some of the girls and looked at the naked pics. You said yourself it isn't just for the tattoos.
He's quite likely to agree with what you say/say what you want to hear about porn and SG site so that discussion is probably less relevant than your own feelings about what you already know. Is searching for and looking at the naked pics (and making out that it was only for the tattoos) acceptable to you? He's offered to 'unlike' the site - will he stop looking at these kinds of pics and do you think knowing it upsets you will influence what he does in future?
It's difficult to say without knowing your DP. How did he react to you asking him? Was he surprised it would bother you?
He didn't seem surprised & said he did it was mostly for the tattoos & the alternative thing (but didn't deny the other reason, though didn't mention it either). I'm well aware he's likely to say what I want to hear but he seemed to feel bad it had made me feel so uncomfortable.
He doesn't seem sleazy in any way & I'm well aware a lot of men my age (and any age) look at porn etc. As long as he's not doing it all the time, it's doesn't replace sex etc then I don't have a big issue with it, though it's not my cuppa.
I do have an issue with the daily updates of girls in underwear & that was what I wanted him to understand. And I need to try and work out how he feels in general about it all tonight. I think i'll know if he's fobbing me off with what I want to hear to be honest.
I'm not sure how to get his honest opinions out of him though. I don't want him to lie to me about his views (even if it's what I'd rather hear).
I want to try not to come across too militant feminist but try and express how important it is to me at the same time, which I will attempt later.
I feel a bit silly because whilst it sounds trivial to some I feel too strongly about it to 'let it go' & I need to know who I'm really with.
(My typing is a tad clunky because I currently have a 2 year old climbing me)
Putting the 'soft porn' issue aside, look at this way. Your dp is doing something which makes you feel uncomfortable.
Now, if I was doing something that made my dh feel uncomfortable, I would stop doing it. If I didn't want to stop doing it, I would discuss it with him and come to a compromise. If we couldn't compromise it would be a dealbreaker.
It doesn't matter what he's doing, what matters is how you both feel about it. If you tell him you don't like it and it's no biggie to him, he'll stop. Why wouldn't he? He has no reason to carry on looking at naked girls.
On the other hand, if he defends his right to look at what he wants, or tries to belittle your opinions or feelings, then you know what kind of man you're dealing with.
I think you need to decide what your views are on porn because at the moment, it's all a bit wishy-washy. You kind of don't mind, but then you kind of do. I think you are being influenced by others. You don't want to seem like a prude, or that you're being oversensitive or controlling. So you say you don't mind him looking at these girls.
But honestly? You clearly do mind, or you wouldn't be seeking reassurance here. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels. It's your life. It's your relationship.
Tell him how you feel. Just say, look I don't like you looking at naked girls. I also don't like you looking at women in their underwear. I have quite strong opinions about the sex industry and use of women for sexual gratification. I'm happy to share my views with you and I'd like to know what you think. But whatever happens, can you give me your word that you will stop looking at any kind of porn, including 'soft porn'.
His response will tell you all you need to know.
Oh hell yes, if I thought I was likely to meet a man my age that didn't watch porn full stop I'd much rather that. But I've not met one yet & tbh DP barely watches it (from what he says...). And I think he just occasionally looks at shots from this site.
I know I should bring it up because regardless of everyone else's views I do mind, quite a bit.
if he gets very defensive later when I discuss the bigger picture or just disagrees totally then I'll not have much choice but to end it. I don't want DS thinking casual objectification is normal & I want a DP who respects women.
thanks for the reply btw, I know I sound wishy washy!
(I am going to say that I don't generally agree with porn full stop & the general attitudes that go with it. We're not hormonal teenagers & get plenty enough from each other...I feel anyway. i think I'll know what to do depending on how he reacts that way. Thanks for all the advice)
Part of me does feel like if I hold out for a bloke who doesn't dabble in this sort of thing then I'll be waiting a long time. Sad but it's how it seems sometimes.
But I've seen plenty of posts on here by women whose husbands 'get' feminism & don't feel the need to look at porn etc. So there must be a few.
DP is quite reasonable & usually open to both sides of an argument so he might understand. I'm just not looking forward to it
I know, & he offered to quickly, without me saying much at all.
I just want to make sure I know what his views on it all really are. Din't get a chance to talk properly earlier.
I don't want to be too hard on the bloke...hence why I posted here asking for opinions/advice.
Things are great besides this & he seemed to understand earlier
Sorry to go on, I just posted because I really wasn't sure what to do or whether to bring it up etc. It has helped to have different perspectives on it.
I'm glad I came here first as the end result will probably be a lot better & the 'chat' will probably achieve more
Lots of people do look at porn but the difference is that, if their partner doesn't like it, they stop. They don't need to be policed, they just respect that it is having a negative impact on their relationship, so they don't do it.
It's only a problem if the person makes it a problem by either disrespecting their partner's wishes, or being so addicted that they choose to risk their relationship.
Thanks fairenuff - you worded it better than me!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.