Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
MIL kicking off please help im sorry its long :((25 Posts)
Ok i need some advice people please.
My sons farther and i where we not together when i conceived And he didnt tell his family that he was a dad until i made him when DS was 12 weeks old. Since then I tried to build a relationship with his mother for my DS ,
It started off fine she seemed lovely and would come down to see DS about once a week, then when DS was about 6 months old it all got abit strange and she started saying she wanted grandparents rights ( at this time a family member from that side of the family got told he had cancer ) my sons dad told me she was acting out for attention.
So trying to keep this brief, we built a good relationship i told her she can see DS when ever she wants to just let me no so i can change things about if i have plans so she can see him,she doesnt do this , over easter she txt saying she was down and wanted to see DS i said ok im at my mums having lunch come here an then we can make a plan and go somewhere ( she has been to my mums before for a cup and tea and things) my died an she never came, turned out she had sat in the car outside for ten mins and left, then slagged me off to the whole family and didnt talk to me for three weeks.
Over the weekend she said she will come down one day this week and we will take DS to the park , i had a txt yday morning saying do i fancy it today, i thought this isnt fair i need at least a few hours warning as i was already out with plans to have lunch and take DS to play area, i txt back saying i was out didnt no she was coming today , but will be free in the afternoon or she can come and meet us if she wants to and i had a reply saying we did plan for today and see me another time maybe.... She then called my sons dad giving him hell saying she wants to see DS in his five hour contact ( i think this is unfair as its the only time my son sees his dad and she no she can see him whenever )
She is now ignoring my calls and put a status on FB saying she has had a disavow moment and is going to smile and move on with her life ( i dont no what that means )
If you have read all that thank you so much, i just dont no what to do , i like her and i want my DS to know his nana , but she seems to see her bum fast and then she misses out,
What do u make of this, what shall i do ?? And im scared with her wanting nana rights before please help.
As a grandparent she has no rights.
I think she should see DS during her DS's contact hours - if she weren't being difficult and expecting to turn up at the drop of a hat and slagging you off to all and sundry, I might say differently.
There is alot more to this but wanted to keep it brief so ask away any questions
Is your DS's father's name on the birth certificate? If so he has far more rights than if he isn't.
I suggest you visit the CAB and get some advice about your particular situation.
Thats what i thought but i want to play fair, i just want a happy life if honest, apparently its because her sister pops across for ten mins to see DS when he is with his dad and she is jealous , she says to me if im in im in but then slags me off if im not i will give her all the time she wants aslong as i new she was coming otherwise i cant help being out,
Do u no what a disavow moment means i didnt understand the status
Cut contact, she sounds like a loon. There are no such things as grandparents rights in the UK, she would have to apply for a Contact Order and they are given in exceptional circumstances.
Do you really need somebody this toxic in your sons life?
I wouldn't make a drama out of it, just block her on FB and ignore her texts.
You've tried your best, you should just leave it now and she can arrange any contact through her son
You have been more than fair, but the truth is you just can't win with some people. She obviously has some issues of her own but they are not our problem
I think for now her contact is via her son ( the father of DS) as she is causing mayhem for you at the moment. Things may improve and perhaps further down the line you can rethink things. But for now a wide berth and focusing on your DS is priority. Let her be a drama queen on FB - that's apparently a good place to be a drama queen.
He not on the BC no, but he also choose to see DS 5 hours a week im very open and try to be fair i gave him what he wanted same as id do for her within reason of course. DS dad doesnt get on with his mother and just tells me she does this all the time and to ignore her i find it hard because my DS is involved and want him to be happy and have a nice family support around him
Your problem, not our problem <Too early to post properly>
If your sons father doesn't want him to see her then I would respect that
I can see you are just looking out for your son but I don't think you'll be doing him any favours long term to get mixed up in whatever her problem is
The trouble is that people like you are nice and reasonable and other people who are not will complelety take advantage of that
But she is not nice family support is she? She's a bloody nightmare.
I think the mistake you made (entirely out of kindness) was to tell her you would drop what you were doing whenever she wanted to see your DS. Unreasonably, she has taken this literally and is now being very unfair.I think you need to take control back and tell her that you need to formalise things as they obviously aren't working. Call her once a week and ask her when she wants to come that week and agree whether it is convenient or not. Tell her she has to stick to whatever arrangements are made in the weekly call and that you can't do as hoc arrangements any more as they are causing both of you upset.
Summer, you've clearly tried to be kind and fair, but I really think you need to back away now. Your son's father's family is his business to sort out should he want to, and ignore if he doesn't. Certainly you don't need to be sucked into a situation where you're being taken advantage of.
I think it's worth remembering that 'family is best!' isn't always the case. Yes, if you have a nice, supportive family for your son to rely on, then that's nice. If, however, you have a family where there are squabbles, jealousy and someone trying to have all the control, then it's probably better for him if they weren't a part of his life.
Do you see what I mean? If he grows up, and it ends up where all of his behaviour has to be on her terms too, then it's probably better if she doesn't see him.
As a comparison, I've got a very close, loving family on one side. My sister and I are particularly close. I still wouldn't expect her to drop plans if I want to see her. Heck, we even text each other when we want to chat so the other can call when it's a good time. The time she needed to turn up with her bags on an hours notice was different; obviously these things happen from time to time, and in an emergency we always come through. Just wanting to go to the park with the kids needs to be convenient for both of us. That's because we respect each other.
So basically, if you have the choice, why would you want someone who doesn't respect you to be part of your son's life?
Yeah thank u so much for advice , i think i was holding on to it to save drama , as of had enough with DS dad , i also dont let her take DS because shes done it once and i gave her food for him and she fed h food i told her not to , i asked her to txt me to let me no how he was , she turned her phones off , she changed him into her clothes for no reason what so ever and even put her own nappies on him and changed him dummy, that rang alarm bells for me , so ill just leave it now , its for DS dad to sort and me and my son are very happy on our own, thank you sooo much everyone
gave her food for him and she fed h food i told her not to , i asked her to txt me to let me no how he was , she turned her phones off , she changed him into her clothes for no reason what so ever and even put her own nappies on him and changed him dummy
I've been there. Trust me, do not get involved unless there is a compelling reason. When the baby is a little older you may find she backs off a bit anyway so contact can be resumed through you then (I think some women of a certain age convince themselves that a younger woman wouldn't be able to look after the baby properly, and it turns them weird, being completely frank. But sometimes they ease off when the baby is older and obviously healthy and well developed).
Yeah i found it very strange, i gave her home made food and she brought down a jar a 4-6 months he was one at the time , i said nicely that it wont fill him but there is food in the cool bag for him , and when she turned her phone off that sent me into panic !! And she put him in shorts and t shirt she had bought .... It was December!! I think its time to cut ties , hate that it hasnt worked out! And yes ur right i am a young mum , but im very independent with my son i dont go out, i dont drink, i dont smoke he is my entire world ! Never ask for support or help as its always been just me and my boy i just wanted them to get a bond but like everyone has said thats for his dad to sort and not for me ! I am very grateful
Oh OP... Swapping homemade food for processed... Classic! I had that all the time! I would ban it outright and then find the jars in my bin! My baby was nearly a year old and the jars would be for a four month old! It almost drove me mad. I think the logic is "she doesn't know how to look after a baby and I do, I don't want to make his food myself (or... Scientists make baby food so it must be healthy)... Therefore I will give him a jar. She will never know!" I also had the random changes of clothes. And random changes of bedding too.
Honestly your post has brought back so many memories I am annoyed all over again!
In my case it was worth working through the issues as otherwise the relationships were solid, and i do think in a weird way it was all done with my dd's interests at heart. But in your case, definitely, just let your baby's dad manage time with his mum, and you can reassess when the situation (and your mil) has calmed down.
You sound very considerate btw, I bet you are a great mum!
Summer...you sound like a brilliant mum. Do what you feel is right for your son and for you.
I agree with others, she sounds very overwhelming. You have done your best to try nd build contact and she has taken advantage of your nice nature and is being aggressive and making you feel bad.
I would cut contact, and wouldn't put youself out any more. She is using to undermine you and for that alone I think you should avoid her. Grandparents have no rights as much as she wants to bleat on.
I think it could well be because you're a young mother that she is being so bossy (nothing wrong with that btw, i was one) but when you are young it is hard to stand up for yourself sometimes as you don't want to be seen as spiteful or rude. But seriously I think you have given her a chance to b part of your baby's life and she has blown it, not you.
So she is not your mil, you have no relationship as such with ds' dad and he has no pr. She has no legal rights and his are dubious. Does he pay maintenance ? Whether she sees your ds is up to his dad and should be on his time. She sounds like she may have issues - mental health or otherwise - which are not your responsibility to deal with. How old is your ds now ? tbh If either of them are to spend time alone with ds you are going to have to compromise on likes of food, clothing, activity etc . Pick your battles for when his safety and well being is paramount.
Haha tiggerlily sorry about that!
He doesnt pay towards my son no he quit his job when he got money from his farther passing away and is now going traveling for 6 months in june with it...
I didnt say anything about the food/phone off situation but i wont be handing my son over to her again, i send my son up with a packed lunch when he goes to his dads as he says he has no money and doesnt no what to feed him ! DS is 16 months old now!
God his dad sounds like a deadbeat. You are very good to want to maintain contact with him and his mother. But it seems a dead loss really (with the mother at least).
Yeah i just feel bad that DS has this a family , but i think im holding on to hope thats gone
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.