Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help :-(

(141 Posts)
Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:10:07

Hi everyone... I really can't see a light at the end of this tunnel... My partner of 12 years came home from work one day and out of the blue told me he didn't love me anymore and he couldn't "do this" anymore... He walked away from 2 children, a mortgage, nice car and a loyal honest woman.. :-( he's acting like he doesn't know me... I'm am 100 per cent sure there isn't anyone else at the moment.. People keep telling me there must be but I seem to know his every move and the bonus of the kids face timing him on his phone.. Lol... Does this really happen?? Do people just fall out of love one day and throw everything away?? I'm a believer in talking and trying to sort things out. I'm totally devestated, being sick, not eating hardly anything.... Will this get better??? :-(

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:55:37

I don't know what to do :-(

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:03:54

Yes I felt a bit insecure with him sometimes.. Like he didn't really want to be here

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:04:05

Online then? And are there really no women working on site at all? No construction staff, architects, clients, administrative staff? No culture of going to the pub for a drink after work seeing as he doesn't have to drive?

Could your friend do a bit of digging about whether your P has had time off recently?

What to do is what I outlined above. Publicly, just accept it. But get tough and businesslike with him and don't keep asking for explanations. Insist he does his fair share of childcare on his own premises. Sort money out with him. Don't let him have any access to your thoughts or what's in your head. Give the appearance of getting on with your life and that you're seeing the opportunities in this fresh start for you.

The only reasons I'm suggesting you find out if there is an affair is that it will all make sense when you do, you'll realise this wasn't your fault and because what often happens is that when affairs fizzle out, there's an attempt to come home. You probably wouldn't want to reconcile if you knew he'd been lying to you so information is always power in these situations.

TheLateMrPamuk Wed 10-Apr-13 00:04:09

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It is almost word for word what happened to me. He went to work and didn't come home and told me he was having some sort of breakdown and needed space. He loved me but wasn't in love and blah blah blah.
Two months down the line I find out he's shacked up with OW. Everyone kept it from me his mum and family and my friends. All people who I thought were there for me.
You should read the thread in relationships last train to loser ville. She is going through similar and there is amazing advice on there.
(hugs) and stay strong and keep posting.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:13:17

I don't really care if there is someone else down the line... It's going to happen eventually... I just want to know if this feeling I'm feeling will fade soon??? I can't sleep, eat.. I'm always sick when I do try and eat... I have anxiety attacks.. It's just awful... The more I think about how our lives were I suppose I can see how he got bored really... Maybe I just bored him lol

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:14:49

I keep sending him the odd text and photo of memories... I should stop that right?? Lol

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:19:37

You're probably experiencing profound trauma which leads to loss of appetite, sleeplessness and feelings of uncomfortable adrenaline.

Eat easily digestible foods such as cereal and soup. Drink lots of water. Consider herbal remedies (e.g. Rescue Remedy) and if this continues, consider going to your GP for some help i.e. counselling or medication.

It's very unlikely to be all about dissatisfaction with your life together, but if it was then he had a responsibility to talk to you about it so that you could remedy the situation as a couple.

I don't think any poster was referring to new relationships in the future. Most of us think he was seeing someone while he was still with you.

TheLateMrPamuk Wed 10-Apr-13 00:19:41

Yes stop I know it's hard but you need to disengage. At the moment your body is in shock and it is similar to a bereavement. You need to take care of yourself try and sip at milkshakes if you can't face food and see your doctor about some short term help. Mine gave me a weeks worth of sleeping tablets.
Things will get better.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 00:19:50

Jenny love, he has checked out of your relationship. He did it some time ago, and he is way ahead of you.

Please hang on to your dignity, stop contacting him with photos etc. What are you doing, trying to prompt him to feel sorry for you ?...trying to prick his conscience ?

You are wasting your time and losing any respect he still has for you in the process

I don't mean to sound harsh, but prostrating yourself and begging for his attention is something you will regret bitterly if you carry on

The very best thing to do now, if you stand any chance of him waking up and realising his mistake is to let him go and disengage yourself

He has to know what it feels like to not live with his family, before you have a cat in hell's chance he will regret his actions

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:21:10

Yes stop communicating with him about your relationship. And stop 'lolling' grin It's not the done thing on here and you're not really laughing are you?

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:26:24

I always put lol... I think it just makes me sound happy??? Just a habit sorry... Yeah I just think why should he enjoy his life while I'm sat here crying and going through it all.. My doc gave me some medication last week cos I was a nervous wreck

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:28:27

He's just all happy he's getting a flat, decorating it all nice for the kids, they can have their own bedrooms... He's up near his old friends and family... I have no chance of him missing me and the life and home we built together

TheLateMrPamuk Wed 10-Apr-13 00:29:14

You will be fine. MN can help you lots of us have been through it and come out the other side stronger.

The only thing you need to do is look after yourself and the DC. Concentrate on doing one productive thing a day. For me it was sorting out a bank account then tax credits and arranging for him to pay towards the dc and contact. He still has a responsibility towards them and he needs to arrange a regular day/ weekend to have them.

I know it is hard not to text or ring him but don't. I would suggest coming on here to vent when you feel the urge to contact him or keeping a diary mine was filled with lots of letters to him that he never saw but at the time it made me feel better.

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:29:21

We know you're far from happy and you don't need to pretend to anyone on here.

Radio silence with him now apart from essential stuff about the kids. Did he talk to them before leaving and tell them he was going and why?

overtheraenbow Wed 10-Apr-13 00:29:46

Jenny I too was 100% certain there was no one else and several MNers suggested it , my reaction was identical to yours I'm sorry to say . I saw him become happier when he left and blamed myself (was I difficult to live with, not a good enough wife) he was happier because he no longer had to feel the guilt of deceiving me ( we were separated now right so he wasn't cheating technically) he also swore on his life/ my life/ hell everyone's life there was no one else . His web of lies became more and more intricate its almost like they didn't become real lies.
Why do you think no woman would 'put up with him' . that phrase is sad as it implies you didn't have a good opinion of him. my ex accused me of this but this was not true and was a justification for starting his affair. Also there is always the possibility someone will get involved it seems especially if he presents himself in a certain ( positive ) light and don't forget if he's having an affair they get all the best bits ( no smelly socks or blowing his nose in the shower my Stbxh's most delightful habit - don't miss having to hear that every morning yuk)
I hope you are wrong but I am sad to say prepare for the worst !

TheLateMrPamuk Wed 10-Apr-13 00:31:25

Just because he's left doesn't mean your life is over. You also have the chance of a new start. Your life may not be going the way you planned right now but it might go somewhere much better in the long run.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:36:42

hmm If that's what u all think then I need to find out ASAP.. It will help me move on do u think??? I do think we had a few unhappy days picking at each other etc... But It just became a routine and how we were.. I never thought he would just walk out.. We have been through so much together and had so much planned.. I suppose its all in black and white really that there must be someone waiting in the background for it all to start... I just can't think when he would have met her.... He wasn't on Facebook.. The laptop hasn't come out for months.. I had his phone bill last week and nothing unusual.. I just don't get it

TheLateMrPamuk Wed 10-Apr-13 00:42:30

Mine went to work didn't come home. Kept coming and seeing the dc I kept askingif there was someone else he swore blind there wasn't, he even went as far as using our dead child's name to swear that he wasn't.

Of course he was and I found his brand new Facebook under his first name and middle name declaring undying love for this OW.

I don't want to upset up but I would put a weeks wages on him seeing someone else.

Just imaging this is happening to your sister or best friend what advice would you be telling them right now?

TheLateMrPamuk Wed 10-Apr-13 00:43:28

Lots of people having affairs have secret payg phones.

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:50:32

Yes finding out helps people to move on but in some circumstances finding out can even save the relationship at some point down the line, if you'd even consider it. Affairs thrive on secrecy and often wither and die once that's gone.

If he's got a smart phone, he wouldn't have needed a laptop and for more direct communication, he might have a cheap PAYG with no bills to scrutinise. I mentioned some possibilities upthread about where he might have met someone e.g. at work, the pub, family/friends of workmates, the gym, online, someone from his old village seeing as he keeps in touch with friends there. All of us meet any number of people of the opposite sex in our daily lives and there are always possibilities.

Absolutelylost Wed 10-Apr-13 01:40:07

Well, I posted here around Christmas, saying something very similar and despite all the advice, here and in RL, I couldn't let go. I sincerely beloved my DH was having some sort of breakdown due to a huge accumulation of business and financial stress. There was another woman hovering in the background but nothing serious and I went through 5 months of utter hell.

He now has a new, absorbing job and whilst we are not totally back to normal, we are well on our way. He has admitted he now realises he was quite severely depressed, has apologised for his crap behaviour and thanked me for not giving up.

The advice you have had here may well be the right approach but for me, I am glad I didn't take it.

Mimishimi Wed 10-Apr-13 02:50:38

Has he mentioned a childhood friend or acquaintance getting back in touch with him on Facebook etc? That might explain his sudden willingness to go 'home'? What is his mother saying about it?

Midwife99 Wed 10-Apr-13 03:45:22

I totally agree with AF (as always!) whatever the reason he has left, the more you chase a man the more he runs. He needs to feel the reality of the cold hard loneliness on his own. Stop texting & sending photos, stay in another room when he facetimes with the kids, "disappear" from his life. If he doesn't have anyone else lined up & he's having a blip, he may re-evaluate but of course there's a good chance he won't.

In the meantime, eat little treats, drink plenty & accept all offers if help & support. How old are the kids?

squibb Wed 10-Apr-13 04:18:54

Okay I'm going to start by saying I've been pretty much at every point in this situation on both sides, short of leaving my DW (she did leave me at one point though), so I would like to think that I talk from some experience.

If there is an OW (and at the beginning I suspect there wasn't, but that may have changed) then it's not the problem, however your DH may see it as the solution, or part of a solution. So if you're going to fix this (and I do hope/believe it can be fixed) then there is no point on focusing on an OW. You need to speak to your DH in a frank and open manner, and despite what you might want to say, keep confrontation to a minimum (more on that later).

Stress and depression of one sort or another are likely to play a big part in all of this, including but not exclusively:

Lack of self worth
Feeling like a passenger in life
Carrying the financial burden of the family
Feeling trapped in job to carry financial burden
Loss of the sense of self
Inability to communicate with DW or anyone else
Fear of ridicule for mentioning any of the above
Sense of getting old
Feelings of inadequacy in work, and life acheivement
Loss of connection with family
Guilt caused by all of the above

Now those are all quite general negative feelings and don't need any specific situation for them to arise. There can also be more specific elements in your life to add to those things like financial or workplace stress. Unfortunately depression is self fulfilling and becomes a vicious circle, and sometimes people just get sick of feeling down all the time, and perhaps they can no longer "do this".

If someone is living with all that on their mind, an easy way to fix it is to walk away from their situation, and all the negative things that go with it. Unfortunately your DH may have associated you with some of the negative aspects of his life, but that doesn't mean it's personal, but you're the other adult in the house, and the natural focal point for some of that negativity over a period of time, especially if small issues get turned into major issues in the mind.

So someone could be forgiven for doing the following:

Move out of house that's associated with sadness and pain
Return to childhood area, because life felt better back there
Get a new house/flat and fill it with only positive things
Get a new job
Hang out with old friends, because life seemed better when they were in your life

And then once you've done all that, there is something missing, a SO, and at that point it's very tempting and easy to fill that void with something new, but vaguely known. So an old flame, or someone you know a little, resulting in a new exciting relationship in which you have all the thrills of falling in love to do over again. All of a sudden it appears that someone has managed to turn their life around and found happiness.

Seems like a good move on the surface doesn't it? You get to sort your life out and start again, makes perfect sense. Except of course that along the way there is a massive fallout with friends, family, children and of course the estranged SO. And it's probably likely that this situation will enter a new cycle and your DH will end up doing something similar again (the grass is always greener etc...)

For my sins I realised what what was happening in my relationship, managed to swerve getting involved with someone else (as an escape I suppose) paid for therapy to try and make sense of what was happening. There is always an element of depression in the shadows and I have to work at staying positive, but by doing so I minimise the negative aspects that may otherwise try and escape from. But there are still bad times, however I never blame my DW.

So what you essentially need to do is work out if you can be happy together, figure out what was/is making your DH feel like he is and try and work those issues out. If you can do that then you might have a shot, but it's also very possible it's gone too far and it can't be salvaged. But if there is an OW involved I can assure you that's the result of what's been going on and not the cause.

Depression in it's varying forms has common themes, like paranoia, lack of clarity and irregular reasoning. So it's not impossible to turn someone your love into your enemy, even if it's only in your mind.

The absolute worse thing you can do is confirm all of the negative thoughts and ideas your DH might have about you. So as hard as it might be you will need to allow your DH to talk if he is able, and reassure him that you can listen, not judge him and slowly you might get to the bottom of what's going on. It could be that things that barely register on your radar have become major issues for your DH. The first step is to change those things, and then when you are both in a better place mentally/spiritually you should be able to deal with them with the benefit of clarity. I really don't know how to suggest you approach sorting it out initially, and making the first move is likely to be the hardest. I would say that you should act fast, because if there isn't an OW right now, there might be one very soon and that might seal the deal not in your favour.

My DW was certain we were finished, telling me bluntly to to the point of being hurtful. But she had a change of heart when she supported me through an unrelated trauma that occurred out of the blue. But I also agreed to give up everything except us, and also to get some professional help.

Doing a runner on your family is not the only way to change your life, as can be seen from some of the other posts in this thread, so you do have a chance, but things will need to change in your world in order for both your lives to converge again. For both of us being able to do what we want in our hearts, not feeling trapped in a situation (not a relationship specifically), and generally trying to stay happy have been the key things to staying together.

I'm not here to blame it on you, because I was in your position and I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of sickness that means you can't eat, to punishing yourself by not eating, the anger, the shame, and generally wanting to close your eyes click your heels and open them again back in the world you thought you lived in. But at the same time I've been the provider and just another guy having his "man crisis", tempted by a new life and escaping all the things that I felt were dragging me down. So I can appreciate what your DH might be feeling and why he has taken the choices he has. It's a shitty situation and you're holding onto the shitty end of it, I realise that a few posts on a forum aren't going to fix or shine the light that leads to a happy ever after, but I felt my experience might be able to help someone.

Good luck to you and your family.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 08:17:03

Thankyou so much for your replies.. I'm thinking a bit clearer today.. Looking back I suppose our lives together were quite boring and we did seen quite unhappy in each others company... I suppose I just assumed we would always get on with it and always be together... He said he had tried to make it work for the kids etc.. He said he hasn't loved me for ages but it still hurts that I didn't have any idea it was going to happen and he was going to leave... I just hate this feeling of being alone and knowing he's not feeling the same and enjoying life without a nagging woman as he put it in his life.... I didn't think I was that bad.. He always did what he wanted.. Bought what he wanted even if I did see the negative side to some of it.. I said to him the other day "don't u miss your house?" He said no :-(

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now