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Oh crap, my life! Talk some sense into me please, ...

(6 Posts)
30GoingOn17 Tue 09-Apr-13 17:35:48

NC because this is so ridiculously pathetic!

I'm a reasonably successful professional in my early 30s. Recently I feel - and mortifyingly enough behave - rather like a teenager instead:

DH and I have been together since our early 20s. I love him dearly and always have - but to me our relationship has always been a bit of a safety based choice: He was caring and loving and stable. And a bit boring. I never wanted to deal with roller-coaster emotions anymore after a particularly bad breakup.

Ten years down the line, things are just not working out anymore. Our ideas of what we want to achieve in life are simply incompatible. He dreams of moving back to his parents' village and starting a family. I have to suppress my flight instinct if I even get within 100 miles of the place. He wants a wife to make a happy home and 'look after him'. I am not and have never been particularly caring - though I am great at the practical stuff he doesn't see as contributing. He wants sex all the bloody time. I'm just not that into it anymore, and I resent him for emotionally blackmailing me into it.

We're great as friends, but we're godawful as a couple.

Long story short: we finally decided to break up because we're obviously making each other miserable. Except when it came to him moving out, he suddenly got cold feet, remembered how much he loves me and asked me for another chance. During which I was to 'just try and do what he wants for a month'. Because I'm a stupid, spineless cow who is terrified of rejection and feels guilty about engaging in it, I agreed.

What doesn't help is that I have recently developed a massive crush at the regional sales manager I work with. He's off limits, alright, married with kids. This is not happening - which doesn't stop me from obsessing about the guy as though I was 17 again.

On top of all the other crap, I've developed an embarrassing case of mentionitis. Now DH has caught on to the fact that there is someone else, I'm scared that sales manager may have noticed that I have a thing for him (he acts decidedly strangely when I'm there) and then of course there's every-bloody-body else, ...

DH is really hurt, I'm mortified. I still want out of the relationship - not because of sales dude but in general - but don't know how. And I'm terrified that the entire company is laughing at me as I type this because I'm acting like a hormonal teen.

Help me sort this bloody mess out, please. I can't believe I'm no smarter than this!

foolonthehill Tue 09-Apr-13 19:59:14

you are smarter....you just haven't lived up to yourself yet.

And no-one can get you out of this but yourself...

Reject obsessional thoughts about sales director....rubber band on wrist aversion therapy or replace with other (non male) obsessional thought.

Decide what you want, be honest with yourself then your husband.

If you stay to give it another chance then it takes more from both of you than you have described...real work, work on yourself, work on the relationship and I think you will need good professional help.
If you decide to split up then ditto with the work on self and paving the way for the break up.

Think first and foremost about your children and how to rebuild and construct their lives around the immense changes that will be happening if/when you separate.

And if you really engage with this then you will actually be being a grown up and not just acting like one.

good luck

Anniegetyourgun Tue 09-Apr-13 20:15:56

Don't touch the sales manager! The crush is just a symptom. But you know that.

Your DH is a bit... erm... well, you say caring and loving and stable but... wtf is this "just try and do what he wants for a month"? What does he expect you to do? Are you doing it, and what does it feel like? I hope it doesn't mean you're giving in to the constant sex demands - it's going to be a long month if so. (Do you really have to stick to it just because you said ok at the start? You can always change your mind if it's really not working for you.)

For that matter, "He wants a wife to make a happy home and 'look after him'", er what century is this again? You are, as you say, a reasonably successful professional, but he wants you to be a comfortable home maker. No disrespect to comfortable home makers, it's a valid and respectable role and a skill in itself (actually requiring multiple skills!), but if it's not who you are it's unfair to try and turn you into one. DH would do better to go find himself a woman who enjoys it, rather than chaining you to the kitchen sink until you sort of morph into what he wants you to be. (And what kind of able-bodied adult wants to be looked after anyway? hmm)

As for how to go about splitting, go consult a solicitor for the practicalities. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship that isn't working for them. Do it kindly if you can, but firmly. The party of the second part doesn't have to agree.

And again I say, step away from the crush, it will only lead to unpleasantness. Plus it is currently absorbing the energy you should be putting into planning the rest of your life. With DH if he stops playing 1950s magazine hubby, or without.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 09-Apr-13 21:23:30

Is he suggesting that if you do what he wants for a month, you might just decide you like it? That's pretty shocking! And it doesn't sound loving, caring or stable.

I agree with the others. Stay away from the crush, it can only lead to heartache for all concerned.

30GoingOn17 Wed 10-Apr-13 17:32:13

Thanks for the replies, everyone!

Annie, of course you have a point: the crush is a symptom. I know that fully well. But then rationalising complex issues is one thing - actually accepting your own (entirely accurate) rationalisations as fact is quite another.

As for my husband: Yes, he is being unreasonable about his wish to be cared for and looked after. I am not really gentle and caring, never have been, never will be. It's one of the main reasons, why I'm miserable in this marriage.

In the course of our relationship I have, ...

- Arranged every flat we've ever lived in
- Looked after all our paperwork
- Spent more time on DH's dissertation than on my own
- Written every job application he's ever sent
- Read and explained to him every complex piece of writing he's ever had to deal with (he's dyslexic, not lazy)
- ...

Plus I currently earn 3/4 of our household income.

He's never happy, never feels supported when I do these things. He is happy when I ...

- Dress up just for him
- Put on makeup just for him
- Do things in bed that he's into even though I am not
- Cook
- Clean
- Iron
- Smile and nod when his mother shoves her religious beliefs down my throat
- ...

... and do so happily.

Thankfully we don't have any children. My one and only pregnancy ended in an MC. It was traumatic at the time - now I'm almost glad.

I get it! I know that this isn't working. So why the hell do I feel so incredibly guilty about telling him he has to leave?

30GoingOn17 Wed 10-Apr-13 17:32:55

... and, yes Ella he does think I'll start liking what he likes if I just decides that I want to do these things for him.

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