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Decided to go NC with narc family. In need of support/advice.

(20 Posts)
Soundwave84 Tue 09-Apr-13 14:42:13

This has been coming for a while and today has just convinced me that I no longer wish to have anything to do with my mother, father and sister. I don't know where to start, I can't stop crying, I feel like no one believes me when I try to tell them how awful and passive-aggressively nasty they are. I used to be best friends with my sister but my mum actually managed to convince her that I was too ugly to ever get a boyfriend and when I did at 18, she stopped talking to me and started joining in with my mums snarky comments about my weight and appearance and pretty much everything that I did and do.

When I got pregnant with DS1 (planned) it got worse and sister and mum were bitches to me throughout.
After DS2 I had a breakdown and they accused my DH of starting it all and trying to institutionalise me. All bullshit.
Mum refused to help me with the kids, even when I was crawling on the floor begging, instead I got accused of being a selfish cow and told to grow up and get over it.
I'm sorry if this is long but they have over the years reduced my self confidence to nothing. I was bullied at school and instead of helping, my mum was actually ashamed that I was that unpopular. She tells me off for everything, most recently I was telling my father about the family car having a service and she berated me for not knowing about the inner workings of the brakes. I don't even drive ffs. (another thing she hates, but she was my teacher and she said I was crap at it, 2 failed tests later...)

I have tried to make it work, to prove that I can rise above their crap
and not be accused of running away but today is my birthday and even though it is very obvious we are home I just witnessed my sister parking 100 yards away, creeping up to the house, silently posting a card and then dashing away before I could open the door. When I called her to ask why she didn't just hand it to me, she said I was bitch. Mum backed her up.
sister is pregnant btw (accidentally on purpose)and this is not helping as I was told by them that with my MH issues I should definitely not have any more.
I can't take their bollocks any more but I have no other family, it would just be me DH and 2 DCs, who my family really don't care about anyway. I feel so isolated, DH is supportive but other than that I feel like I must be making it all up, can they really be like this and not realise? I feel like such a piece of shit, a worthless piece of shit. I can't stop crying and I don't want my DCs to see me. sad

PrincessTeacake Tue 09-Apr-13 15:40:13

Okay, take a big deep breath, make yourself some strong tea (its good for shock) and go somewhere private to collect yourself.

You have done an immensely brave thing, and they are going to try and ounish you for it and it will hurt. But, in time, the hurt will fade.Your husband loves and is supporting you, and I'm sure you have friends that will do the same. You don't get to pick the family you grew up with but now you can choose to surround yourself with wonderful people who will lift you up instead of trying to tear you down.

Just keep telling yourself that you are a good person who doesn't deserve to be treated the way they treat you, and you will grow stronger.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 09-Apr-13 16:07:42

Gosh, they sound dreadful.
You will be surprised how easy it is to go NC.

As princess said they will punish you and try and get a reaction out of you initially as you will no longer be toeing the line or being the someone they can victimise. Ignore them and it will soon quieter down.

You may even find your mental health improves as they will longer be messing with your head.

Happy Birthday flowers wine

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 09-Apr-13 16:25:17

You have had an awful time of it. You are a survivor of emotional abuse and well done for drawing a line under it. Enough is enough.

I have had to detach from my emotionally abusive sister, who was my 'best' and darn near only friend for years. It is hard with so many conflicting feelings (if you have not gone numb yet) to do it, but I now feel so much better. Counseling helped me, and it may be something to consider for yourself. Your family of origin need not know if you get counseling as I'm sure they'd make hay out of it...but you know what? They can say anything they are out and done and just not participating with them anymore.

Face down your fear of isolation. You have your dh and 2 lovely dc-your very own family. You are not isolated. It is hard not having support; I didn't have hardly any at all (my folks deceased, ils 500 miles away). But day in and day out, you can make it work. Celebrate your children, celebrate your dh, celebrate yourself....then you still got to turn around and do laundry-I know-I know.

<With sarcasm> I suppose you should be flattered that your sister gave you a card at all hmm <maybe what they think>. In some cases no card at all might be better, don't you think? As in a relief? Good for you for calling her on it, and <I'm guessing> her response is probably classic when she gets caught at something: deflect the blame?

I'm sorry if this post isn't much help to you. You are doing the right thing. Your family will appreciate it. It is really the best birthday gift you can give yourself...self-respect. Happy Birthday flowers.

Lavenderhoney Tue 09-Apr-13 16:28:10

I'm sure some more experienced posters on nc will come along, but it sounds as though you are doing the right thing, by yourself, dc and dh. You don't have to tell them you are going nc if you don't want to.

You can just let the answer phone pick up, defriend on fb, set your email to divert certain addresses straight to trash, block certain callers on your mobile so they don't even ring or get through with text, and of course don't answer the door.

Families can be very destructive as a look at the stately homes thread in relationships will tell you. Have you posted on there for support too?

Happy birthday, you've given yourself a great presentsmile

have you any nice friends in rl who don't know your family you can talk to, just about normal life really, not particularly your nc, as you will I suspect soon find you are a nice person and quite capable. Your dh sounds lovely and supportive.

Lavenderhoney Tue 09-Apr-13 16:29:52

I see some experienced posters have posted already! Eek, my first line on my post could be taken the wrong way!

DoeEyedBeauties Tue 09-Apr-13 18:43:36

You have done the best you could ever do for yourself and your children/DH!!

These will be the hardest days. You will mourn for the family you never had and experience all the stages of grief as if they actually died. (I did.)

But once you have had time to mourn, it will get better (I promise you!).

You know you deserve better. Remeber this above all, when the doubting and guilt kick in.

No matter what, this is your new mantra - you deserve better !!


DoeEyedBeauties Tue 09-Apr-13 18:45:08

And Happy Birthday!

What a fantastic gift you will give yourself.... Love, Respect, Acceptance, Self-Esteem....and on and on!!!

TheOneWithTheHair Tue 09-Apr-13 18:52:55

First happy birthday. thanks

I think you are wonderfully brave. You know it's the best for you and your sons. It will be hard but you will cope. I have a mac mother who has recently started with my dd (9) aswell.

Have a {{hug}} from me.

TheOneWithTheHair Tue 09-Apr-13 18:53:33

Mac = narc

Bloody autocorrect.

ChasedByBees Tue 09-Apr-13 20:25:59

Happy birthday thanks you're doing the right thing.

BlackeyedSusan Tue 09-Apr-13 21:41:12

thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks
thanks Happy birthday!!!! thanks
thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks

congratulations on getting rid of a whole lot of trouble... good luck with keeping rid of it.

your mum is not much of a driving instructor is she? hmm I bet you would pass given proper tuition!

As for the bullying and being embarressed, she should be ashamed of herself for her reaction.

Soundwave84 Wed 10-Apr-13 07:04:24

Thank you for all the birthday wishes and support. I'm feeling a bit better this morning, a bit more confident about leaving them behind and having a life.
It's just difficult for me to believe that I actually deserve one. Unfortunately I still live and work in the same town that I went to school in so I don't have any one I can really call a friend, just passing acquaintances, I've always been accused of being a burden by narc family and I'm terrified that that is what other people think of me.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 10-Apr-13 10:32:53

I've been NC with my M for 18 years, my D for 10 years and my S for 2 years. I don't regret it and my life has soared since leaving them behind.

Once the constant putting you down stops you will gradually find yourself. You will realise you are a great person with a lot of love and not a burden.

I promise you it will be worth it. I would advise seeking some counselling to support you through the process and to unpick the damage that they have done. Going NC in RL can be an isolating process, it's rare to find someone you can talk to who have been in the same situation as you. That's why counselling is so helpful.

Keep strong, stay focussed and lean on us if you have wobbly moments.

DoeEyedBeauties Wed 10-Apr-13 12:48:37

Your skin will grow much thicker as you go on.

A Narc is wonderful at fooling other people. They are fantastic story tellers and drama queens and are always the victim, which means that yes, they will most likely bad-mouth you, and other people will probably believe them (I am sorry to tell you that).

BUT as long as you know you then you can live your life with your head held high and be proud of the person you know yourself to be.

We can never ever in a million years convince a Narc of anything other than what they aready believe. If they believe you are bad, then you will always be bad no matter how good you are. It's a hamster wheel of despair for you until you get off that wheel and the world becomes so much more still and calm.

I would above all else seek counselling as soon as you can (NHS waiting lists can be very long). A good councellor will help clarify your thoughts and verbalise things you cannot talk about with others, even perhaps your DH (as much as they are supportive, they can never truely know what a Narc does to your integrity as a human being).

Good luck! You were me nearly three years ago and I have never been happier!

cheapskatemum Wed 10-Apr-13 13:48:17

There was a link to a website called Lightshouse on MN recently. I read it because I know a family like yours and was wondering why & how I could remain friends with any of them. It was for children of a parent suffering narcissictic personality disorder. Happy Googling!

DogEgg Wed 10-Apr-13 15:02:52

How brave you are Soundwave. We believe you, my God do we believe you. We know how awful it can be to have Narcs for the people who are meant to love you best.

Read up loads on NARCs - I promise you it'll make you feel better. You'll see that you did nothing wrong. These people will be vile to anyone and you were just in the wrong place, like a lot of us. You can do nothing to change them, but you can escape them so well done on taking the first step.

Take heart in your own DH and DC, give yourself time to let the lies you've been told and the hurt you've suffered fade away and one day (pretty soon I reckon) you'll feel how fab and worthwhile and lovable you really are. Third time lucky with the driving test eh!

Soundwave84 Thu 11-Apr-13 13:34:24

Well I was feeling pretty good, as though this is the first really positive thing I have done in a long time, but then it all kicked off as they say.
I wasn't going to make a big " I never want to see you again!" scene as that would be playing their game, but last night after a going out with my DS's and having a nice lunch and a play in the park I got a snotty phone call which I mistakenly answered (didn't know the number as it was my mums mobile and she NEVER calls me)
Cue her whining (in a faux innocent babyish voice) that I hadn't answered any text messages etc.
So I told her to just leave me alone and she tried to start on one of her tirades, usually full of the word WHY repeated ad nauseum.

I gave her a few choice answers, without shouting or swearing and I managed to maintain a reasonable articulate monologue with her screaming at me and my dad, who was in the room with her, " Why are you saying all this? Why is she saying all this?" The equivalent of her covering her ears and going lalalalalala, then she hung up.

I turned off my phone and left it at that, but I am now living in fear, curtains closed, door locked, in case they show up. DH thinks that they won't as they are very much the passive- aggressive type, but I'm not so sure.
They are also reactionary and tend to go OTT and miss the point entirely.
I have checked my phone and it was full of missed calls and " You've upset your mother!" messages, which I duly binned. They know my home number but have not tried to call that at all.

Anyway I'm anticipating a huge showdown at some point on Saturday (their day off) which I really did not want, especially as they have no qualms about doing it in front of my kids. And since it is obvious they think I am at fault, I'm not entirely sure what to say or do. I will be going out for a bit in the morning but I can't stay out, this is my house and I don't like feeling besieged.
I'm also well aware of the fact that they will blame this on my DH and/or my MH issues. They don't mind stooping to the gutter to hurt my feelings.

I need body armour...or do I just be their ideal? Tell them to sling it in as foul a manner as possible and hope that they then stay away under their own false conclusion that I am the bad person?
I feel all shaky, this is exactly what I didn't want, but my mother is so desperate to be a victim...sorry this is a very long post.

DPotter Thu 11-Apr-13 13:50:10

Sounds - hang on in there
I don't think that having a major sling it conversation would work - it would just reinforce their awful opinion of you and fuel their need to abuse you.
Just an idea but could you change your phone number ? I know it would be a pain but it could be worth it. I certainly agree with other up the thread that getting some counselling help would be a really good move.

DoeEyedBeauties Thu 11-Apr-13 13:50:50

Good for you!

It does kick off with massive fireworks at first! So at least you know you are not alone in this, that their reaction is to be expected.

If you want to save yourself a bit of hassle, I would recommend writing a letter that logically explains why you are going to 'take some time out' perhaps to think or have a break to sort yourself out. Try not to get too emotional in the letter, but do very clearly and confidently state what you are doing and why you are doing it and what you expect from them. Don't give false hope ('as in maybe someday....') but also don't be absolutely final ('I never want to see you again'....). Keep cool and in control in the letter. Show them you are in control of your life now.

Once you know they have received the letter (send it via recorded delivery to avoid arguements if you have to), then do what you said in the letter. If they come to the door, then you will not open it to them. If they call you, you will not answer (you will have to let it go to an answering machine or block their number), if they text, you will not answer. If you anticipate they will try to come on Saturday, then in the early weeks of this, I'm afraid it would probably be best not to be in, unless you want a public meltdown on their part.

By doing this you are showing them that you will control who is in your life, that they no longer are allowed to play at the 'Piss on Soundwave' Playpark.

And also, what a good thing you are doing for your children, sheltering them from your families drama. They shouldn't have to witness this.

Stay strong and one day at a time . It does get easier, but not just yet. Just like children, they have to throw their tantrums first.

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