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Dont even know where to start

(32 Posts)
dontknowheretogofromhere Tue 09-Apr-13 12:31:19

I am a regular poster on here, just like in real life, under my usual nickname I am happy, bubbly and positive.

Underneath however is a different story :-(

I have been single for nearly 2 years. I desperately want to meet someone because I am so, so lonely. My exH never showed me any love or affection, ever, we were only together because of the kids for at least the last 10 years.

I have had several flings with men who showed me affection, none of whom are right for me, but the minute someone is nice to me, or tells me I am attractive, then I give my all to them. Then I end up getting hurt all over again.

The kids spend half their time with their Dad and whilst they are with him I either cry in a ball, or go out and get completely pissed (then come home and cry in a ball)

I suffer from depression and went very low after Xmas, a couple of good friends helped me through it, and to the outisde I was normal and happy again.

I have been ok for a while since and have heavily relied on my friends. I dont know what I would do without them.

A couple of weeks ago I did something really stupid, I got drunk and I thought they had left me in a pub, it turned out that they hadnt, but I sent them some texts telling them to 'f off' amongst other things.

When I sobered up the next day I said sorry, but explained I thought they had left me. I got them flowers and tried to put things right.

Since then its all gone horribly wrong. One of them came round and told me that all our friends think I am selfish, intimidating and spiteful. She then gave me some examples of when I had been these things over the last few months. I had no idea they thought any of these things. I thought I was a good friend, I would always be there for anyone who needed me. I have asked another friend who says that she doesnt feel like that, but now I think she is just saying that.

I feel like that is the reason my exH didnt love me. Thats the reason I cant find anyone who treats me well. I thought I had a great circle of friends and I was wrong and now I am more alone than ever.

I have gone back to the place I was after Xmas now, I cant work, eat or sleep.

I darent contact anyone in case they think I am being selfish by saying I am low again. I am scared for the kids and have asked exH not to bring them back tomorrow.

I dont know what to do now and feel like the best thing for everyone is if I just disappear, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.

Sorry if this sounds like a stupid childish story, it kind of feels like it is, but I am so paranoid now that everyone is talking about me that my mind isnt working well enough for me to know what to do next. If I am such a bad person nobody will ever want to be my friend ever again. I feel totally lost.

cestlavielife Mon 15-Apr-13 14:14:47

your gp can prescribe self help books; exercise classes at local gym; and counselling - if you found samaritans helfpul you might find face to face counsellor helps even more. you could work on setting specific goals in betweens essions; such as an alternative to crying in a ball - presumably the dc are happy with going to dad so it is about can find a different way to let out frustration that is more positive - join local national trust tree clearing team and bash some bushes for example or other physical activity - if you need people join a volunteer group;
if you happy alone then myriad possibilities to sign up to a gym or do the couch to 5k thingy
you could also join specific divorced and separated group or do a weekend like

dontknowheretogofromhere Mon 15-Apr-13 14:05:37

Just thought I would post an update and say a big thank you for the support that I got on here.

I have talked to a couple more friends and they have told me that from their point of view I am being bullied by the other friends.

Because I have quite a strong personality I often say what I think and I know that I am a 'love me or hate me' type of person, but my other friends have said that I cannot allow this to knock me down, and whilst I am going through a rough time, the other friends have not been fair to me.

I rang the samaritans on the night that I said I would and the person I spoke to helped me through that night.

I am listening to the friends that have said I am not a horrible person, but I still feel it a little bit. I am just going to stay away from everyone for the time being.

I feel much better today and reading my OP back I feel sad for how bad I felt the day I posted that, but I also want to say thank you for the kind words said to me that day, I really really needed it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 10-Apr-13 17:56:23

Dontknowwhere, how are you doing today? I have been thinking about you and hope that you are feeling better.

Mimishimi Tue 09-Apr-13 22:01:56

What your ex thinks is irrelevant - you're hardly likely to be warm and fuzzy if he was cheating on you ( or even if he just left you) and controlling usually means you expect them to stixk to their access times/CSA payments. So just ignore those texts.

You have to stop the drinking. It makes even the best of people start to look annoying. If you have emotional problems, it makes it all so much worse because there is a tendency to become really obnoxious or excessively weepy. Concentrate on making a more attractive you ( eating, exercising etc) for you, not for others, and be careful of entering relations with someone who just wants a fling if it's likely that you will end up wanting more than that.

Good luck and hugs to you. You don't sound like a fundamentally awful person.

MsMoppet Tue 09-Apr-13 19:27:59

Hi there, so sorry about your discovery. I hope the samaritans are helpful - talking it through should help more than writing. Let us know if you need us though!

dontknowheretogofromhere Tue 09-Apr-13 19:07:11

Thank you all so much

I know I shouldnt care about what my xH thinks and his GF, but I have always supported him and I would never ever say anything bad about him to anyone, he is my dcs father !

I also read between the lines from the texts that they were having an affair before we split, I did think that was probably the case, but seeing it there in front of me was a bit of a shock

I think I will ring the samaritans because I so need to talk to someone, I wish I had someone to give me a cuddle and tell me its going to be OK

kinkyfuckery Tue 09-Apr-13 18:46:18

Are you getting any help and/or support for your depression? And your alcohol abuse?

skyebluesapphire Tue 09-Apr-13 18:44:48

Your XH will probably describe you as that because you have stopped him getting his own way at some point. His GF only knows what he tells her, so does not have a balanced view, so don't give a shit about her opinion.

Regarding the friends. Evaluate them, have they genuinely been there for you?. Have you genuinely been demanding? Can you invite a couple of them round to have a chat maybe? Explain that you have been very low and not yourself and that you appreciate that they are probably fed up with you, but you still need some support. If they can't do that then they are not friends anyway.

My friends have been a major support through the past year, and now if I occasionally drunkenly talk about something that they don't want to hear about, they just nicely say, anyway, thats in the past, lets talk about the future. So they steer me onto better things, not just knock me down.

I agree that you should talk to your doctor, try some different meds and also ask for urgent counselling. Please ring the Samaritans too, they are there to talk to people, to help them through bad times.

See if there is anything that you can join/do to meet some new people too.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 09-Apr-13 18:40:15

Hi, dontknowwhere, I am sorry you are feeling so low.

It seems like a catch 22 doesn't it? You need to talk to your friends but now you can't ( or don't feel like you can/should). It may be hard to realize and understand, but it might be possible that your friends have helped you all they can. (And it isn't their fault that they weren't able to help you get to a point of recovery, iyswim, it's just beyond their capacity/expertise.) But as you feel the need for more help, imho, you may need to find new resources, as suggested above.

Have you tried using a journal? It might help you in reading back what you write to see how you might be coming across to people. It is also a great venue for venting and soul searching and a kind of self-coaching to help sort problems out.

Please hang in there and don't give up.

dontknowheretogofromhere Tue 09-Apr-13 18:35:40

Thank you for your replies, Things have got about a million times worse

I checked my sons phone this afternoon, my exH borrowed it last week, I saw some texts on there between him and his GF.

I know that I shouldnt have looked but once I started I couldnt stop.

Apparantly I am manipulating, cold, controlling, they both hate me and could blow my world apart in a nanosecond if they wanted to.

I thought I had a good relationship with my ex. But he hates me too. She doesnt even know me and hates me.

ladyjadie Tue 09-Apr-13 18:24:37

It's Hungry Angry Lonely Tired smile

I'm sorry I can't really give any advice, I did have one friend though, in my old 'circle' of friends, who basically was always nice to my face then as soon as I had a falling out with another girl she swooped in and stirred and made it all worse. She called me up swearing at me and her final words were accusing me of being jealous of the other girl liking her better. I gleaned from that that she was the one who was jealous. We all always drank loads and loads too.

freeandhappy Tue 09-Apr-13 17:46:42

Or maybe that acronym is for hurt angry lonely tired. Anyway have yourself a nice cup of tea and try to keep some perspective.

freeandhappy Tue 09-Apr-13 17:43:18

They have a thing in AA called HALT. Stands for hurt, alone, lonely, tired. You'll feel better as soon as you can share your burden. brew

EarthtoMajorTom Tue 09-Apr-13 17:40:48

What freeandhappy said. Please consider visiting an AA group.

MsMoppet Tue 09-Apr-13 15:40:44

Have you had any counselling before? Although it is difficult to find the rights meds, it is worse without counselling support to "unlock" the reasons for your depression.

freeandhappy Tue 09-Apr-13 15:32:01

Maybe you could look up your local AA group. You will get lots of non judgemental support from people who have done waaaay worse things and come out the other side. Im not saying you are an alcoholic but you might find some clarity and companionship by going to meetings for a few months and they will be very gentle with you. I'd say you are just lonely not mean or selfish. But you might be looking for love in the wrong places. Please don't harm yourself. That would be selfish. Try to be brave and seek out some support. You've already taken the first step by posting so well done.

dreamingbohemian Tue 09-Apr-13 14:32:35

First off, definitely call Samaritans or someone similar if you are feeling so low that you don't want to wake up. Hopefully talking to them will get you over the crisis bit, so you can at least start working on getting more support.

I don't think you should think the worst, that your friends don't care about you at all or were just lying all this time. If they didn't care, they wouldn't have helped you for so long. Probably, things just got a bit heated or too much, and maybe they just can't deal with things for a while. But you may find you can repair things down the road.

I think you should go back to your GP and ask about meds again, and I think you really need some counseling as soon as possible. In a way, you are relying on other people to fix you or get you through the bad times, and while that's understandable, you need to also become stronger inside yourself so that you're in a better place generally.

You've had a horrible shock really so be kind to yourself, try to get to a place where you feel a bit more stable and take it from there.

SundaysGirl Tue 09-Apr-13 14:28:33

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

I think also when out and about and drinking we can become more lairy than we are normally and this can change the way we interact with others. Emotions often seem to run high when people drink as well. It does sound as though your friends are being a little petty on some of the things they are saying so it's worth considering how the whole group dynamic is when you all go out alcohol always involved and it's parties and clubs or getting plastered round each others houses? This can skew friendships from my experience.

Drinking less and trying to increase your social cricle and activities when not pissed can help to forge calmer friendships sometimes.

It also sounds as though you are looking for external sources of validation from flings and friendships and although I appreciate loneliness is not pleasant (I am a single mum and often have days by myself when ym son is at his dads so know that sometimes it does get lonely) I have always found that loneliness is compounded by low self-esteem. When you feel good about yourself and have things to fill your time which are positive and from you and for you rather than getting them from outside people it really takes the sting out of the feelings of loneliness which I thnk can often be feeling bad about yourself.

TerrysNo2 Tue 09-Apr-13 14:21:46

You need to talk to someone, MN is a great start to get your thoughts down but really you sound like you need something more.

Your "friend" sounds ridiculous and childish, a dirty look is something a teenager would get upset about. What I would say, is not to send your friends texts saying things like you will stay away, some people find it very difficult to know how to handle things like that and that's probably the reason your friend hasn't replied, not because she agrees with you.

It sounds like you need someone reliable to rely on IYSWIM, and I think you will only get that support from someone professional.

Moanranger Tue 09-Apr-13 14:19:31

Most posters have addressed the obvious stuff ( exercise, hobbies, etc) & I would be concerned about drinking - it is a depressant & note that your most recent conflict arose after a pub session - probably not a coincidence. I suspect at least some of your friends are not supportive & you would probably benefit from re-evaluating some friendships.
I am a big fan of using some of the self-help books to give you a different perspective. You seem overly-critical of yourself & also perhaps are not " reading" the behaviour of others correctly. A book is cheap, can be picked up whenever & a lot more accessible than counsellors who can be expensive & variable in quality.
I also note that some of your upsets arise from texting, FB, where it is easy to mis-read things. Dial back on this, telephone people or meet up in RL - much more accurate and more spiritually/socially rewarding. Good luck!

SorryMyLollipop Tue 09-Apr-13 14:04:39

There are lots of other anti-depressants you can try if one didn't agree with you, there will be a suitable one out there. At the very least your GP could refer you for counselling and then you would have someone else to talk to and wouldn't feel like such a burden on your friends.

Your friend going on about the dirty look at NYE? That sounds a bit petty tbh, it was three months ago! Maybe you could reassess your choice of friends.

It might be good to get the kids back, it would give you something to focus on, a routine and a reason to get out of bed etc. besides, they will be wanting to see you!

StealthPolarBear Tue 09-Apr-13 14:03:39

Obviously it's impossible to tell from this end of a computer, but while you sound a bit demanding, your friend sounds like a bit of a drama queen. Possible she's stirring things and your other friends don't actually feel that way.
Your Dcs will not be better off without you though. They would be devastated if anything happened, and I suspect your friends would be too actually.

MooncupGoddess Tue 09-Apr-13 13:55:31

I'm sure you're not as bad as all that, but clearly you are having a really hard time and do need some sort of help. Can you ring your GP now, and maybe the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 if you need someone to listen to you?

dontknowheretogofromhere Tue 09-Apr-13 13:43:43

Thank you, I cant take medication as the ones I tried made me ill, I thought I was managing it myself but obviously not.

They said that they darent tell me that I was all these horrible things because I am intimidating. I dont know what they think I would have done to them I am so confused.

If I am so bad I dont think my children should come back to me, I think I need to be away from everyone.

MooncupGoddess Tue 09-Apr-13 13:36:03

Poor you, sounds miserable. Are you on any medication or counselling for your depression? It sounds like it might be worth a chat with your GP if you haven't been recently.

Sending friends long anguished texts does place quite a burden on them... but complaining about a 'dirty look' you allegedly gave someone on NYE suggests that maybe your friends are not the nicest.

Maybe worth posting on the mental health board, there are some really nice supportive posters there who will understand what you're going through.

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