Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
29 year age gap - can a relationship work? Also...'bedroom advice' please!(123 Posts)
I've been seeing a man who is 29 years older than me, for about 6 months now.
We've discussed the possibility of a proper future between us and he seems keen; as am I, but he keeps saying although the age gap doesn't matter to him, he's worried that as I get into my 40s and "hit their prime and become sexier" (his words, he says it happens to all women), it will cause problems as he will be (again, in his own words) "a geriatric".
He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him!
Can a relationship work with such an age difference? If you saw a 31 year old woman with a 60 year old man would you think that was weird? Worth more than just the first glance, that kind of thing.
He's quite 'hippy dippy' (for want of a better phrase) and dresses in combats, baggyish jeans with a shirt and hoodies, but it suits him.
So not like he's dressing or acting his age.
My second question is the sex.
I don't want to stereotype, but I've always been with men my own age (and not many of them either).
We have had sex once, but he calls it making love and is very into pleasing me first, very touchy feely and takes it slow and lovingly, whereas my past exes (there have only been 2 of them) have been quite fast and furious - not all the time, but I do enjoy that sometimes.
I enjoy 'giving' rather than receiving (you know?) but no idea whether he's into 'those' as he hasn't said and I have no idea how - or even whether to - ask him, same goes for umm...sorry but I need to ask - anal? I have done it and enjoy it...I'm guessing he may not (he has said he's been fairly traditional and not tried tying up/being tied up, dressing up etc but would be willing to try most things).
I don't want to come across as some nympho and scare him to death but he doesn't seem totally at ease using the more crude words to describe the acts I want to indulge in, so I feel quite awkward in knowing how to ask what he likes or would be willing to try.
This is a genuine post, honest - so any answers appreciated
I think that his idea that women get more interested in sex in their 40's may be true in as lot of cases. I think it is the body's last attempt at pregnancy! Lots of my friends agree with me that there do seem to be an awful lot of very attractive men around (younger mainly) now we are in our late 30's and 40's.
I have no experience of older men really but he does not very lovely.
Sorry - i meant to say he does seem very lovely. (Freudian slip?).
snort at AF.
OP, I have been there in terms of age gap and wouldn't again. Too many reasons to list but a few: feeling lonely when they don't 'get' you and your interests/music/films because they're from a different generation, wanting someone who will fecking hammer me in bed and just be a bit into what we are doing (trust me, the 'complete gent' bit wears thin after a while if you like something more lively), and yes they will slow down and die before you.
However, if you're already dating and in love, may as well follow it as far as it goes and see what happens. I wouldn't go there again from the outset but I know it's harder when you are already emotionally involved.
If he's into 'pleasing you' then that involves listening to what you like doesn't it? I'm guessing... but this kind of guy might not really have 'another side to sex'... If you say you'd really like to 'pleasure him with your mouth' I doubt he'll refuse. You're never going to get him tying you up and talking filth though...he's not that kind of guy is he?
You've had sex with him once...I'd try a few more times before signing up to marriage/being a carer/too many death discussions.
if he's a feathery stroker I suggest you dump him right now...otherwise you will be at screaming point very soon
Well this is it. OneMoreGo I totally get what you mean about the 'gent' thing; as lovely as it is, yes you're very beautifully put ( ) comment about being hammered...I'm not into that all the time but sometimes? Yep would be nice. And I had that with my exes at times.
However - it's confusing as he said one lady he was seeing a while back just always wanted text sex. He said he did it "to please her, but if I ever sent a text just saying hi how are you, she'd go mad at me for not trying" - and he says that's why he ended it.
So he seems like he shows willing, which is good. And he did seem very into me when we had sex that time; making all the right noises and no problem getting aroused without being touched (well not down there anyway) - not that I expected him to have troubles because of his age as he's very fit at the moment but...I don't know, I suppose I'll get to know whether it has potential after trying it a few more times.
AF gentle touch but moves me around quite...not roughly, what's the word for it? As though he has potential. Erm, I actually can't think of the word but hopefully you'll know what I mean. If not then just ignore me
I'm going against the grain.
I find it - in your words - 'icky'
Sorry - just my humble opinion.
You will be caring for him within 10-15 years and wondering what happened to your best years.
That's ok hellsbells - need honest opinions and appreciate it, thanks
Thinking about it rationally...in 10 years he'll be 70. Men don't (usually) 'keep' as well as women; I've known lots of women of that age or near to it, that are in good shape but maybe not so many men.
How saggy are his balls? Is it true that old men's balls hang down their knees?
It was the first time with a new partner...it's not surprising you were both unsure about expressing yourself and communicating what you want. Give it another bash but tell him what you want this time, politely if necessary.
IMO there's no point talking about settling down with someone if the sex is poor from the off-set
even if they are going to peg it 20 years before you
When you are 50, he will be 80. As it is he is twice your age.
If it's great, then go for it, but personally I wouldn't be into it.
Have you been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis? What makes you think you're going to 'degenerate' early? You don't just get RA because your mum had it.
And re. the relationship working, I can see it being nice for a while - he does sound lovely - but long-term...no. But then, if you fall madly in love you're not going to worry about the long-term and will just have to take it as it comes. I don't find the age gap 'icky' at all and wouldn't give you as a couple a second thought beyond 'there's an age gap between them'
I can't imagine a long term relationship with that big an age gap. However, six months is not long at all. Another six months or a year from now and I am sure that you will be more certain of your own mind, and your relationship will have either flourished or be showing you where you are not really compatible.
Lovingfreedom - no the sex was great, I enjoyed it.
I suppose my main worry was the relationship side of things being doomed from the start (to be over dramatic about it all), mainly - or purely because of - the age difference.
The rest of it, we're compatible - the sex is good and I think I can live with it being like this (more than live with it), even if I didn't get to bring the other side of things into play, we have similar tastes in music, interests and hobbies etc., with enough differences to mean that we have interesting conversation as well.
When I first realised I was interested in him, I had a quick think about the ages and a possible future, and I'm literally on the fence about it; for now the age difference doesn't matter but in 20 years time...but as I said in 20 years I'll have considered it to have had a good run in relationship terms, if we lasted that long.
I must admit I struggle with the physical side of being attracted to someone who looks so much older. Fair enough when you're that age yourself but...Its the whole dynamic as well. Obviously a man of that age is going to be quite grateful for a much younger woman, and not be as much of a challenge to keep attracted as someone your own age.
Anyway, that's my personal taste. Even if you get a good ten years out of this relationship, surely that's a success? Or even five years? Why does every relationship have to be assessed on the strict criteria of staying together into old age? When so many relationships end in divorce, splitting up, etc.?
That said, if this relationship does last and you see it going the distance, you need to be aware that that distance is almost certainly going to include nursing someone through prolonged ill health and age-related degenerative conditions which might include dementia, senility, physical disability, etc., or alternatively you becoming single and alone at an age you will perhaps struggle to find another partner. So you might want to ensure he can provide for you.
I do know a man of 65 who has just got married to a woman of 46. He is a particularly youthful, healthy 65, but all the same, he has ensured that that she will not be thrown out of the family home should he peg it. Sorry to be morbid.
I'm being honest here...I would think he was your dad trying to be trendy if I saw you together
The thing about the hanging balls is true my aunty told me she's a nurse and she's washed a few old ball bags in her time
There is 32 years between my dad and his wife. They've been together 25 years now and are very happy - go for it!
Re: the age gap. Having had an LTR with a partner who was 11 years older than me, I wouldn't do it again. It lasted 9 years but I should have bailed out after 5 or 6 - aside from some emotional abuse issues, the difference in our ages became very noticeable. Not a health side, but in a case of she was mid-40s, been there, done that, don't want to do it again, whereas I was mid-30s and still wanting to do stuff, not sit at home and garden!!!
Re: sex. I think a lot of people get into a 'mode'. If a man's long-term partner only likes X and Y, then he spend 5 or 6 years only doing X and Y. You get 'accustomed' to your partner and what she likes. Almost programmed. When you're with a new partner, you will often stick with that assuming that people are roughly the same. Communication is KEY. EVERYONE in the early days should tell their partner what they like, don't like. Most men, I think you'll find, will happily try new things - hell, would probably love to do what you want but assumes you won't because of his previous partner. Once you've talked and tried, you find out whether you are sexually compatible. Then's the time to decide if the person is right long-term or not.
Sorry I don't think long term is wise - as Beryl says, you will be 50, still v active, and he will be 80. It is very tough being a carer, and you'll be still so young.
He's the same age as my Dad, and I'm older than you.
Do you want children?
Can't remember who said what (and too lazy to check ) but the points I can remember...he DOES still want to do stuff - he's got a dog so walking is something he does a lot, it's not the first thing I'd choose to do out of a lot of options but I don't mind it. He still likes to go out, I've always been more into pubs and bars than clubs and he's the same - as long as it's not like an old man's pub it's ok with me.
Mumcentreplus - as it's been mentioned twice by different people thought I'd comment on the point you mentioned; I had an who is now 49. We split up a couple of years ago (he was very immature though so not like a 'normal' man his age) and his balls were hanging lower and more saggy than this guy. He was also rather well endowed compared to my most recent ex; never thought that'd make a difference but it sort of did.
Totally agree on getting stuck in a mode; he seems to be willing to try new things so I suppose that must be a bonus
AThingInYourLife - got some. We did talk about that - not about us having any, but a general chat about how I'd wanted a big family when I was younger - and I think realistically, I wouldn't go there - I know male 'celebs' seem to be having children into old age but I don't think that's fair on the children.
I do have to consider though the effect on my children - my youngest is only 3 so if it lasted 20 years obviously she would be old enough to be able to cope/understand, but if he died after 10 years, that's not so great.
A relationship can end at any time though, regardless of age differences so the kids might have 'lost' him when they were still quite young anyway, even if we'd just split and he hadn't passed away.
I don't think anyone else has mentioned it yet, but what about children.
What happens when you get to 40 (say) and decide you want a family? He would then be 69 and how would he cope with a young family, or even want a young family. Nevermind the fact that that if you did have children then it's highly likely they would lose their father at a fairly young age.
Sorry to be blunt, but there's a lot more to consider than just the sexual side of things.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.