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Please help - is it over? What do I do now? So very lost...(75 Posts)
I have lurked on these boards for almost two years now, this is my first time posting. What I need is some advice. Some unbiased advice - if there is such a thing! I've tried to put everything as neutral as possible but that is very hard to do considering I am still on edge after tonight's fiasco...
My partner and I have been together coming up to five years. We have a 16 month old DS and I am 34 weeks pregnant with our DD. For the first few years we had a good relationship - we were gamers and spent a lot of our time drinking/eating/gaming. We had a couple of arguments but I mainly put this down to the drink. We of course don't drink anymore.
We had my son and things got rocky after that. He had terrible colic for the first few months, didn't sleep through until very recently. I had moved a 2 hour drive away from my family to live with OH at the beginning of our relationship and I felt very cut off from them after the birth of my boy. At the time my other half was working long hours and I got very depressed, I suffer from social anxiety and found going to baby groups etc too hard. His family are not very involved in DS's life - they have had him for a couple of afternoons when he was tiny but not since. When we asked for them to have him more regularly they said that they did not want to feel obligated and haven't really had him since, bar when I had a scan recently. What I am getting at - is that we have very little support down here. Fair enough, a lot of people don't. But I do sometimes get resentful of being so far away from my own family especially as I do not drive (I am due to take my test next week - eep!). We started having lots of arguments, many very heated. I put this down to the stress we were under due to the above.
Things got worse when I went back to work. My OH also got a new job - and is doing shift work which he finds difficult. It is also a job where he is having to learn many new things and he gets very stressed by it. I went back part time and my OH looked after our son sometimes when he was home, and the rest of the time he was in nursery. My OH said he was finding it too stressful looking after LO and doing the shifts and when I became pregnant again (planned - I know... I know...) we decided I would finish work as early as possible to be at home more. I finished work beginning of february.
I thought things would improve after this but they haven't. I constantly feel as though I am walking on egg shells around my other half. He has an explosive rage. Before I put it down to the lack of sleep and colicky baby - he would get up in my face screaming at me that I was a cunt etc. But then the colic went away, we are getting more sleep, I am home more, and yet he still seems to have an uncontrollable rage. He says that I goad him, and say things to make him angry. I honestly don't think I do. Sometimes I am grouchy and down, I admit this. But never have I exploded like he does.
A few weeks ago after a very strained couple of months, we had a huge falling out and I went to stay at my mum's for a week. We decided to make another go of things and although things seemed good for the first couple of weeks they are slowly slipping back in to old habits. We are so cold with each other. I admit I don't fancy him anymore, that could be the pregnancy hormones, it could be all the arguments, I don't know. But we rarely have any intimacy. During an argument he told me that he found it hard to be intimate as I was an ugly fat cow now - it was said in the very heat of the argument and he has apologised profusely for it since but it has stuck with me and I feel unattractive and down about myself.
Tonight was the final straw. DS ran his trike into the freezer a couple of times and broke the bottom of it - the freezer is fine, its just a bit of plastic. I should have been stopping it but I didn't, I was tired I admit that. My OH went ballistic at me and started kicking one of the cupboards. I picked up DS and went upstairs. Half an hour later I came back down to do dinner and I noticed that the cupboard was broken off its hinge. I asked OH whether he had done this and when he said that he had, I said that that was enough and I wanted him to go and see a doctor about his anger. This led to a massive argument, my OH saying that I had been pushing him all afternoon, and with DS in his arms he started screaming at me and kicking the cupboard even more until the door completely fell off. I went to grab DS and OH pushed him into my arms before placing his hands around my neck. I want to make it clear that it was only for a second and little pressure was applied but that was what happened. I burst in to tears and asked him to leave, to which he refused until I said that I would then call a friend to pick me up. The cupboard is completely ruined.
So now I am here. We have exchanged a few text messages, if need be I can copy them here but the jist is he thinks we are over. I am leaning towards agreeing. But then I am also so very scared of being a single mum to two young babies. I was recently made redundant as my company folded, I am still trying to see if I can sort out my SMP and I have very little money, I couldn't afford the rent here on my own and I am really upset trying to think about what I need to do etc. We haven't had our wages through properly as the redundancy people are still sorting it.
Am I over-reacting? My OH says I am, and said that should I speak to anyone that they will just agree with me because they are friends and family. So I come to you all to ask what it is I should do. Reading back it all looks so bleak! But is this just what couples go through when they are strained with young children?! Is it not as bad as I think? Will I regret leaving and trying to raise two children on my own?
I am so very very lost... Please help.
As I was proof-reading this I have had both my mum and dad call (they are seperated). My OH has been calling them saying what has happened. Everything feels like it is spinning out of control...
Thank you to anyone who has made it this far...
My love, your story is of falling prey to a textbook abuser.
He's isolated you, is controlling you, ruling you by fear, and now trying to get your parents in on his act.
Your fear here is exacerbated through lack of information.
Don"t be afraid of going it alone, if you have to. You will get help, and he will be financially responsible for his children.
I know this is a rubbish time for you to have to worry about this, but that is precisely why he's ramping this up, because you are at your weakest.
Get advice, CAB, and find out what benefits you may be entitled to. Ask your family for help.
Tell them what you've told us.
Keep posting, you are not alone. There are many of us who have escaped situations similar
To yours and all of us are never ever going to regret going it alone.
Call the police. Get him out the house temporarily so you and your child can be comfortable.
Start the ball rolling on finances/separating.
Bet he doesn't go around screaming at his boss/friends, calling them cunts, threatening to strangle them and destroying stuff in a violent rage around them.
This is not what normal couples go through. It is what one person with a violent abusive partner goes through.
All the time he minimises and acts like this he should not be within miles of a vulnerable child.
Report him for domestic violence
He has crossed a line now and there is no going back
get him away from you and your dc
You should not be considering any other course of action nor inaction, I am afraid
Please ring Women's Aid and get some RL professional support. I also suggest you inform your midwife and GP that there is a violent man living in your house where there are young children
See this is the very very stupid thing - had I been reading the post from another side I would be saying the same thing, but I can't help but feel it is a complete over-reaction. Oh fucking hell, I feel so sick by it all. I came out of an abusive relationship into this one - starting to feel like it must be something I am doing now.
I don't think he said to my dad about what happened, no, my dad said that this is not even about giving three strikes, it should be it but he would support me whatever.
Things have been good, the rest of the time. And he is a good dad, please don't get me wrong, he LOVES our DS. It's just things are so very very strained.
He has agreed to stay away from the house, I have popped his work things in a bag outside which he is collecting later, I have left my key in the door so he cannot get in. My mum said he sounded quite 'out of it' on the phone so I am worried he has been drinking on top of this.
This is all so bloody out of control, I can't believe it is all coming to this
Definitely go to the police and get this behaviour on record. It will help if he threatens you again. When it's just you against him he can (and will) manipulate you to believe you're over-reacting.
Re being a single parent, it won't be easy at first but it will be a lot less stressful than the 'walking on eggshells' and fear of repeat performances. You children deserve a peaceful home and so do you.
Agree with everyone else. You need to report him and get some RL support. Can you go to your mum's or your dad's? You should think about getting your important paperwork together in one place (pregnancy notes, red book, birth certificates, bank stuff etc) as well.
His behaviour is not normal. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise
And the thing is, he hasn't actually hurt me - like I said in my OP, he put his hands on me but didn't apply pressure/hurt, just the threat was there. I don't know if I should/can report for this? As in make things even worse than they are. I think I just need to sort out everything to leave. I'll contact CAB tomorrow and speak to them, this is what I need though - a plan of action. Thank you for your responses and sorry if I am not making much sense
You're not over reacting you're under reacting and minimising because the truth is scary. I know. I've been there. But being a single latent to two young children in peace and happiness is a lot less scary than living on eggshells.
What you describe is a classic ramping up of abuse - isolation, rapid advancement of the relationship, verbal abuse, threat of violence to keep you compliant, actual violence.
Phone the police. They will believe you. He will be in deep shit. You can do this.
I had a similar experience with my exH where he didn't hurt me but pushed me around a little to try to get me to do what he wanted. I called the police as he refused to leave and off the back of that the Domestic Abuse people contacted me (I would never have contacted them on that basis). They encouraged me to get a non-molestation order which is what you need.
My point is that they took his behaviour more seriously than I did, and so should you.
It doesn't matter that he didn't actually injure you. Next time (and there will be one) he will. He's testing your boundaries. He is fully in control. He doesn't do this to his boss, or people in the street. This is all for you - you are someone he has decided deserves no better.
And in the words of the old song, if you tolerate this, then your children will be next.
....and the fact that you're pregnant makes his behaviour all the worse. The police will not take his behaviour lightly and will not think you're over-reacting.
Believe me, you've been abused. The threat of harm is the worst to heal from, the manipulation, the control, power games.
Please tell everyone what has happened. Your midwife, health visitor, everyone. Then you will get the support you need.
Once things have stabilised a bit, him out, the birth sorted, support network in place, PLEASE look into doing the freedom programme? If you can afford counselling, please do that too. The more you can do, the faster you will heal.
And you will heal. I promise you! We'll help!
He has been building to this.
Arguments before you got pregnant blamed on drink.
Grumpiness and vile abusive name calling blamed on colic/stressful work.
Now it has turned physical. Doors ripped off hinges whilst holding a 16 month old. How shit scared do you think your child was?
And finally laying hands on you a heavily pregnant woman holding a terrified child.
What do you think will be next?
Thank you so much for everyone's replies. I think you are all quite right - but as someone has said, the truth is so very scary.
I spent five years in a shit relationship before this but in that one I was just as bad as my OH and we used to hurt each other a lot. I have tried so so bloody hard to make this work and redeem myself for those few years that I think maybe I have turned too much of a blind eye to the warning signals.
I am going to relax with music tonight (DS is happily sleeping) and get on the phone to everyone in the morning when my head should be a little clearer. But I think I know what has to be done now
This has actually made me feel a bit better, thank you.
I had a DP who told me that he once put his hands around his (then) DW's neck and really wanted to slam her head into the wall.
He thought he was quite something just because he didn't do it (so he said).
I binned him AFTER I should have done but before he could begin abusing me.
LEAVE HIM. It sounds like you're making excuses for his actions. Don't.
He's chalked up a lot more than 3 strikes and he should have been out long ago.
Forget the CAB - you need www.womensaid.org.uk
If he does not agree to leave your home tonight, call the police and report his physical assault on you as well as his violence towards inanimate objects.
When I asked him about the cupboard he did actually ask what I would rather - the cupboard or me. He retracted that statement quite soon after but yes, you are all very right. I am going to leave. It is going to be scary and hard and I am so very afraid but I will do it.
It's also a matter of pride, you know? Moving back to my mum's and running in to old friends or even, god forbid, my ex and this all having happened. I know that is selfish but it's how I feel.
I can't risk anything happening to my DS or future DD though. I don't think my OH would ever lay a hand on them, but I could never forgive myself if something did happen and I had ignored all of this.
He has agreed to stay away from the house, don't worry. I believe him for this. He is staying at his dad's.
Phone the police now. Get it logged on 101 and arrange to make a statement tomorrow. If he's got no previous he will only get a caution (if he admits it - he will be in the magistrates court if he doesn't) but you can use it to get an occupation order.
It's just a phone call. You can do it. Do it now before you lose your resolve.
What everyone else has saidbut so I think that someone, his parents?, do need to get him to see his GP too
It isn't your problem to deal with but he clearly has anger issues and is still the father to your children. At a later stage, I'd want anyone who is a dad to my DC to fix these issues before I'd want my DC around them, or influenced by their behaviour
Not your problem though, I'd just make sure the his parents are fully aware of what he has done
Ps. In "jest"/a jokey play squabble my DH once put his hands around my neck, out in a public park. He applied gentle but slightly too much pressure and I freaked and he was quite shocked at himself. It scared me a bit and that's in public without any back drop drop of tension, I can imagine you were terrified, especially pregnant and with your son there.
Sorry that you had to go through that.
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