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Introducing DC's to OW

(22 Posts)
overtheraenbow Mon 08-Apr-13 10:02:18

So to cut a long story short DH met OW last year abroad when on business ( funny business obv. though he claims only started relationship after I left in October they were obviously having some kind of EA prior to this at least) she lives 5000 miles away, they spent 2 weeks together ( 1 week new year 1 week March)
Now she is coming to spend summer here when her contract ends in april wants to introduce her to the children ( 8 and 14) 'in a few weeks' then ' she will stay elsewhere when the children are here for a time then later with her in his place.
Anyhow, AIBU to feel that he is rushing into introducing the DC's to someone he has essentially only spent 2 weeks with though may have been in relationship for a year with I guess? Do I have any say in the matter? Have spoken to DC's they say they don't want to meet her but he will think that's because I have made them say that.
I am thinking of sending an email expressing this opinion ( not that I think it will count for much)

Loulybelle Mon 08-Apr-13 10:19:12

If they dont want to met her yet, then they shouldnt be forced too, especially after 2 weeks of a physical relationship.

overtheraenbow Mon 08-Apr-13 11:09:12

That's how I feel, he obviously feels this is 'his soulmate' and is serious. I know his parents have advised the same. thanks Louly, glad to see it's not just me being angry with him.

drasticpark Mon 08-Apr-13 11:17:45

Your children are old enough to express their own wishes themselves. Let them discuss it with their father. If he goes against their wishes then he risks damaging his relationship with them.

My ds has refused to meet ow and won't even have her name mentioned. His dad realises that this is a consequence of his own behaviour. I don't comment or get involved.

Loulybelle Mon 08-Apr-13 12:20:30

My ex has introduced 2 girlfriends to my DD, maybe a third. 2 relationships didnt even mark the year mark.

I'd like to point out my DD has attachment issues and doesnt do change very well, so having people introduced and then disappear is quite upsetting to my DD, so i think relationships should be solid and obviously committed before children are involved in introductions.

I think your ex is doing what alot of men do, thats lead with a certain part of them.

As Drastic suggests, let the kids discuss it with him.

overtheraenbow Mon 08-Apr-13 16:58:22

Thats what I have told them and am going to tell him in this email. He will of course think have influenced this ( I haven't) but found out today ( since writing this she arrives this week and as they are with him next weekend wonder if this is his 'few weeks' ie last when he told me and this! I have said telling them then giving them no time to even get used to the idea of her existence will only dmage their relationship with him.
Louly you are right that he is thinking with a certain part of him, and it ain't his brain.
Also talking to PIL today he wants to introduce them all to her too ASAP( they aint too pleased either) and has invited his sister over next weekend. It's like he is so insecure in their relationship he is trying to involve her as quickly as he can ( his family are lovely , a whole lot lovlier than he has ever been) Like he is saying look at my family who are SO nice, therefore I must be too!! Insecure twat. Still I guess if you go out with women 15 years younger than you you are going to be a bit insecure!!
Made me laugh as I also found out she does the same job as me ( not the one he told me she did) I am also dark and small, she is just a younger mini-me !! grin

Loulybelle Mon 08-Apr-13 17:45:16

Oh i sense a verging on mid life crisis, trying to hold onto his lost youth.


Or trying to make you jealous, "Look darling wife, im still soooooo damn sexy i get essentially another younger version of you.


Let us now when that relationship goes tits up.

chocoreturns Mon 08-Apr-13 18:39:59

its familiar territory I'm afraid and you may as well whistle in the wind to try and stop him doing it. It's all about legitimising their relationship. My ex did this too, even going as far as to pressure me to 'be her friend' because the children would benefit from it (one was still in utero at the time hmm). It's all about getting as many people as possible, including your DC, to collude with him about how lovely she is and how justified he is in being with her. Despite all evidence to the contrary.

I'm sorry you have to experience this but I'm afraid if he's anything like my ex, he will have the delicacy of a juggernaut when dealing with his relationship. Try to encourage your kids to speak their minds, and be prepared to give lots of reassurance and cuddles and security to them when he blithely ignores their feelings. He will no doubt feel the need to tell you how marvellously the introduction went, regardless of how the kids report it back themselves.

Try to rise above it and be glad your PIL and his family aren't jumping on the OW bandwagon - your kids will need their support as well as things change.

<offers hand to hold> this too shall pass x

overtheraenbow Mon 08-Apr-13 19:15:21

That's exactly how I see it Choco trying to legitimise this relationship by getting everyone to see how 'nice' she is. I am sure she is nice on the surface but you have to question how ' nice' a person is when they involve themselves with a man who is still married with 2 kids .
I am a nice person and I wouldn't do that .
Sorry you had to experience it too Choco . I kind of hope the kids kick off and refuse to be drawn in . Bit I know they have been brought up to be polite even if they don't like someone ( someone suggested I start the surly teenager training now!!) oh well I suppose it will be nice for my daughter to have someone closer to her age than her fathers

chocoreturns Mon 08-Apr-13 19:23:44

the 'isn't she nice' campaign may run for a long time. My two DC are babies still really, 2yo and 9mo, and I get treated to a run down of what she's going to do with them most times he picks up our boys ("OW isn't in the car DS1, she's at home cooking for you" or conversely, "Don't worry DS1! OW is just in the car and you'll see her in a minute!") which can't possibly be for his benefit, as he's far too young to give a rats arse... (he actually made me chuckle a few weeks ago though when he looked at his dad like this hmm and said, "but I don't want her in the car daddy.") It seems to me it's part of the performance where I have to listen along and appreciate what a joy and a blessing she is to their lives. Ugh.

Still, remind yourself it's a farce and this isn't happening to your family because of who you are. It's happened because of who your EX is and sooner or later OW will face the reality that she's with the nobber now. Their punishment will be their relationship, my dear!

Loulybelle Mon 08-Apr-13 19:26:40

Choco, he does that but as soon as you start saying "Dont worry, DS1, New man is building your new bed", green eyed monster will roar to the surface.

chocoreturns Mon 08-Apr-13 19:28:06

grin ahh, fun times ahead!

overtheraenbow Mon 08-Apr-13 20:13:04

Yes I have put a sentence in the email about my ' new partner' there isn't one but its totally ambiguous and could be read either way ( that I have one now or will in the future mwahhaha!!
Just last week he found out I was going away for his weekend with the kids and when I told him it was none of his business where got all huffy with me for 2 weeks . I was going to a family wedding but till he found out it irked him I'm sure, shame he did have to find out !!
You lost me you will lose your kids , your choice , your mistake live with it!!

overtheraenbow Wed 10-Apr-13 13:02:44

Ok so just found out instead of taking them to meet Ow this weekend (she just flew in and is probably not up to meeting my surly teenager yet, she's not surly normally but I suspect she has the potential anytime soon ESP as she sees through this facade!!)
He has borrowed his parents holiday house then taking them up to his for just 1 night 150 miles each way sat and Sunday!! When will this mans selfishness cease to not surprise me.
I unfortunately lost it BIG TIME with my lovely MIL who told me by mistake for which I am very sorry as I know she is not happy ( major understatement) with her DSs behaviour in this. I said we all continue to facilitate him and his behaviour ( by keeping quiet about how we really feel to avoid him getting angry with us all and cutting us alloff which he will do I suspect) wish I could take back the things I said but his total disregard to his kids has turned me into Tiger momma!!
Where do I go from here lovely ladies .

Loulybelle Wed 10-Apr-13 13:06:32

Hey, lighting the fire under her arse might spur on some choice words for her dearest boy.

overtheraenbow Wed 10-Apr-13 13:19:15

I did think that Louly. Both parents have spoken to him and told him hes rushing the children and to proceed with caution and that they are not happy . it disnt occur to them the reason as he has stayed there before but always for the whole weekend mot just one might then back to his for 1 night. She came to tell me daughter had told her cousin she overheard me on the phone talking and is worried he may go to live abroad with her :/--whereas, I wish he would --
She is only here for the summer (at the moment) him flaunting her in front if his kids is completely unnecessary and is just a matter of convenience ( hell can she not book in a B and B for 2 nights instead of 1 ) f***k it , ill give her the £50!!!

overtheraenbow Wed 10-Apr-13 13:19:50

**one night

oldbird67 Wed 10-Apr-13 13:41:00

I had this with my ex DP. He told the kids pretty much the week after they'd 'got together', although they'd been friends before that so my kids did know her as just 'a friend'. I thought it was far too soon and really struggled with it. I also struggled massively with my kids spending time with another woman, esp my DD (who's 8). Totally relate to 'Tiger Momma'. He also introduced her to his whole family which I found really difficult. (I still think of them as 'my' in-laws envy)

HOWEVER, they are still together (six months later) and I know now (and knew then) that it was NONE of my business. He's their father and unless I have real concerns about the children's welfare, I have to leave him to it and respect his wishes. That doesn't mean I was happy about it (far from it - had to stop drinking just to deal with it! sad. I don't know your circumstances, but when ex DP and I split it was pretty mutual and him meeting someone else was part of the territory. I've also tried to be nothing but positive about his GF even when I've felt eaten up with anxiety about it and I never ask them to report back to me.

I also know now that being too pally with the MIL isn't a good idea - blood is thicker than water, truly. Nor is trying to make him jealous. A year on and the only way forward for me and ex DP (and for my sanity) is to detach, detach, detach!


overtheraenbow Wed 10-Apr-13 13:54:37

Sorry to hear you've been through this too Oldlady . I can relate to many of the things you've said . My mil is great and has been a real support over the last few months and as this was not 'mutual' think this is why I get so angry and upset. I don't want to cut them out as they have become such an important part of the kids lives over the last 6 months as we moved close to them. But she caught me off guard today with this one. I have been trying to put some distance between myself and them as far as the emotional stuff is concerned. He has accused me of trying to 'turn them against him' and put upon them in a way none of his own family have and in some ways I think he is right ( the 2nd part not the first!!) but this is partly because of the situation he left us in ( effectively homeless, jobless and alone) he was happy to have them put kids and I up then and support us but now he'd like to move on with his life....
I haven't sent the email I had planned to but am planning to tell him I am not happy he's introducing them so quickly but if that's his choice I'm sure he will do what's in the children's best interests I'm not

oldbird67 Wed 10-Apr-13 14:53:37

Overtheraenbow I'm sorry that you've had such a horrible time.

It's really hard to strike the right balance with the in-laws, I can see now from what you've said you've had to be really close to them whether you liked it or not and now finding a relationship with which works moving forward will probably take a bit trial and error.

Just a thought: what would happen if you didn't contact him at all about this?


overtheraenbow Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:53

Considered this too but I know that will make him think I am happy with the situation which I am certainly not. Told his mum I feel we are all 'facilitators' in his crappy behaviour as we are all scared of how he will react ( ie distance himself completely from us all and he would do this he has threatened to before) and while I put up with his selfish behaviour when I was with him now I don't have to put up with his crap.
Secondly if my dd especially ever asks me why I didn't do or say anything if her relationship with him crumbles , I don't want to have to say I didn't try to stop it. She doesn't want to meet her and he is forcing her hand. She won't tell him as he is her father and she loves him and also as she walks on eggshells round him too. Grrrr !!

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 22:48:52

IMO It's not up to you who you ex introduces the kids to during his time with them. If you've split up isn't it up to him now how he spends his time and with whom? Best leave it alone IMO. Goes for you too. You won't want your ex interfering in your next relationship.

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