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End of relationship, don't know how to feel

(83 Posts)
Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 06:59:48

I'm sitting here totally numb yet devastated. My 3 yr relationship has just ended with him walking out the door. It's never been plain sailing, I've been the more submissive partner in this more than in previous relationships and I've often wondered if he truly loved me.

It all began today by me telling him some of how I felt and asking him if he truly loved me. His responses weren't what I thought they should be for example if he'd asked me that I would have said " yes of course why do you ask that" he did say he did but then said I'm not here just for sex or to get my dinner which seemed an odd response. Basically lots of things came out from me which resulted in him turning his back on me in bed and refusing to speak.

Now I don't feel I attacked him as such I just feel I can't speak about how I'm feeling without it ending like that or him saying its all about me. In the end I said how is it going to work if if you've made it so I can't mention my feelings without you accusing me of making it all about me? And he basically agreed and said he'd leave in the morning. This is not the first time simililar has happened I just feel its different this time and he won't be back.

I don't feel cherished by him and that's really all I was asking for. He's now gone back to his place given my key back. All this even after I apologised for having a go at him. When I did that he accused me of not being sorry but just trying to justify what I'd done. I can never win whatever I do.

He has a way of making me feel its all my fault even if I put a foot wrong and apologise. I did say some hurtful things like he's not interested in me or how I feel just in how me being upset makes him feel. He's never upset that I'm upset he just gets angry that I'm having a go at him. It's so frustrating

Basically I'm upset and will miss him badly as I do love him but I don't think it will work and I do believe he cares for himself more. How do I get through this? I feel guilty because his children were supposed to be staying at mine next weekend and they will be disappointed. I did say to him that he could still bring them so as not to let them down and he said no they,l be fine with their dad. He's made me feel I'm a really shit person who will never have a decent relationship and perhaps I won't maybe it is me with the problem

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:12:21

I actually don't know how I'm going to get over him. Even though this may have been one of the most difficult relationships I've had it's also one of the most passionate and I've really strong feelings for him

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 08-Apr-13 07:14:32

It didnt sound like much fun, op sad

Do you want him back? Seem like you could meet someone better matched. Especially if you didnt feel cherished.

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 08-Apr-13 07:15:14

Poor you, Brightly. Three years is a long, long time, and it will take a while for you to process it. Don't put a timetable on how you need to feel and when. Just take things slowly and steadily.

For what it's worth, with that sort of pattern, I don't think it was likely to be a happy long relationship either. You shouldn't be made to feel like a criminal for expressing your feelings. In an equal relationship, both of you should be allowed to express your views.

I hope you start feeling better soon, and that when you do, you find someone who's more respectful about how you feel, and who doesn't make you feel so rubbish for being human.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:17:02

Maybe it's just me and I demand too much in a relationship. Sorry to keep posting but I've so many things spinning in my head and it helps to write them down. I had a 20 yr marriage which I left as we were more like friends but at least it was calm and steady. BF says it was like that because my ex was a pushover and BF isn't, true he was a lot more easy going

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:20:19

Thank you for replying I'm just crying all the time now. He did make me feel rubbish for expressing feelings all he needed to do was put his arms round me I've even told him this when we've tried to resolve problems in the past but no he always reacts this way. I just keep thinking its me and I was horrible ect ect and will never have a lasting relationship

VBisme Mon 08-Apr-13 07:24:51

He doesn't sound good for you, I know it must hurt now but give your self some time.

There are lovely guys out there who will make you feel loved and cherished.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:29:47

I'm just too old to go this late fourties all my friends are married so I have no real social life. My life was him really as when we weren't working we were together. I don't think he will be back and actually even if he is when he cools down I don't think il be happy long term as I can't be myself. Why is it you can never find someone who you have a great physical attraction with and also a loving understanding relationship

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:44:23

I did explain to him that its not that I think he doesn't give
anything to the relationship but its more that I just need to feel HEARD sometimes even if what I'm saying isn't necessarily true from his perspective , you know women hormones and all that . But he just doesn't get it or doesn't want to. He would rather end it and walk away although in the past has always come back.

I just don't know what to think. Is it my fault?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:08:08

I know I keep adding to this post but I'm just trying to process it all. Maybe I shouldn't have told him to leave but I only did that because he said he would be leaving in the morning. I got mad and thought if he can't be bothered to discuss things then why should he choose when to leave. I'm blaming myself big time now , bet he's not blaming himself at all though

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 08-Apr-13 08:12:06

Keep posting, op. it's good to get it all out.

It's not too late to meet someone lovely at all! Would you rather be with the wrong person and not happy? To be honest he sounded emotionally unavailable and quite unkind to you.

Maybe once the dust settled you will realise this. Have you any rl support?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:20:22

No I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I feel so so sad that I couldn't make it work. Many things had built up in me just a little bit of understanding from him would have made all the difference. One small example is I always felt there was some sort of trade off if he did anything for me , like last night, fair enough he cooked tea as I'd been at work all weekend but before bed when I asked if he would make me a cup of tea before bed he said "yeh but you make them in the morning then". It's lie he feels he has to get something out of me in return,

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:21:36

It's things like that that have made me doubt how much he truly valued me

LemonDrizzled Mon 08-Apr-13 08:22:11

Well done OP you know in your heart he isn't the right man for you. You sound so scared of being on your own but being single is so much better than being with the wrong man! Read some of the "I'm so much happier on my own" threads on here, they are an inspiration!

If you were my friend I would be saying take your time, be kind to yourself and have little treats while you grieve for what will never be with this selfish man. Then pay attention to your own life and home and make them (it?) as lovely as as can be. You don't need anybody else you need to love yourself and who you are first. That sounds cheesy but I know it is true. Where is Bibi Blocksberg when we need her? Probably out enjoying her life away from a selfish man child!

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:33:32

LEMON can you explain what it is that makes you say he's selfish. I'm not disagreeing I just need it spelled out so I can hang on to it. I can't help thinking I'm to blame for some of it and this is just his way of reacting at first. Wrong I know x

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:36:15

It seems it annoyed him when I asked for reassurance that he loves me, well to me that doesn't seem right unless of course I was asking every couple of hours which i wasn't, so why was it a problem??

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 08-Apr-13 08:40:34

When I asked my dh if he loved me (after a low couple of weeks with newborn) he hugged me, kissed me and told me he did and then listed a few things he loves about me. That is how it should be for you. Instead he went off in a huff when you needed him and a little reaasurance.

He does sound very selfish to me too

LemonDrizzled Mon 08-Apr-13 08:43:08

"He's never upset that I'm upset he just gets angry that I'm having a go at him".

Let's start with this. A decent kind man would be concerned for you if you were upset and try to put things right. This one just wants you to shut up so normal service is resumed. If being angry doesn't work he will try a charm offensive next. In fact there is a probability you are feeling so confused because you are on the Mr Nice/Mr Nasty spin cycle. Over on the EA thread we call this Spaghetti Head Mess and it makes quite sensible capable women behave irrationally and shout and cry.

Ring any bells?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:45:49

Yes that's would have been the natural reaction, to roll over in bed cuddle me and say yes of course he does. Thing is I think I did go off on one a bit when I didn't get the reaction I wanted and his response to me going off on one is initially to say "ok I'm not the right person for you then" which makes me worse. As I said its happened before, he normally comes back or rings me but nothing today. And anyway it's not right

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:49:06

LEMON you are right I know it I've known it for a long time. It's just so hard when they are not all bad and he's not a total ogre. It's just there's no understanding or compassion there is there?

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 08-Apr-13 08:51:48

Not answering for Lemon, but to my mind, refusing to even consider that you just need to be heard makes him sound selfish.

His need to be undisturbed outweighs your desire to express yourself.

It's odd; the more typical complaint I hear from women about men is that when women express something that's wrong, the men want to barrel in and fix things for them. So a rant gets you a lot of really helpful advice which you've already thought of and/or tried, and ends up winding you up more. (OK, for 'you' you can read 'me' there!). What is generally wanted is a space to sound off where I can get the emotion out so that I can get on with fixing the problem in my own way, while he nods sagely, agrees that whatever it is is a pain in the arse, and then makes me a cup of tea which he delivers with a hug. I get that this is somewhat prescriptive on my part, but I think it's often what people want; support, not advice.

It sounds to me that your person doesn't even want to give you any support. If it's something in your life, even if it directly effects him, he doesn't want to hear about it.

It makes me sad for you. Not in a condescending pity way, but the idea that you're emotions are just shut down; well, it makes me sad.

I just think partners aren't supposed to do that.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:52:45

And would a kind decent man always have patience to be concerned and put things right? I just don't know anymore. Although even when I said sorry for getting at him and not expressing things well he was still hostile and accused me of not being sorry but just trying to justify myself. Does that sound screwed up to you?

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 08-Apr-13 08:55:48

Oops, sorry; the conversation moved on while I was typing.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:56:07

LOOKING maybe I haven't explained it well. He does support in lots of things and just like you say it can do my head in because he offers solutions when I just need him to listen. It's when the problem is about my insecurity and or about his behaviour that It ends like this

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 08-Apr-13 08:57:07

accused me of not being sorry

That sounds really controlling. And quite manipulative. Sorry, I know you love this person, but that doesn't sound right at all.

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