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Well, I'm single......

(25 Posts)
RedRidingChops Sun 07-Apr-13 23:39:25

I've been in an odd relationship for about 4-5 years now. I met him when I lived abroad, then after a year I moved back to the UK. To be honest I never really 'invested' in the relationship, we never called each other BF/GF or partner, and he made it clear even before we met that marriage and children was never going to happen. We saw each other maybe every other week, and never spent the night together.

Because of all that I assumed once I moved back I'd never hear from him again, and I didn't for 7 months. Then he emailed and we kind of did an email, occasional chat, occasional (2-3 times a year) visits to each other. Problem for me was I work 60+ hours a week and he has never worked, I have to pay rent etc and he lives with his parents! It just made it difficult to be together and I think he really resented that.

I've tried a couple of times to end it, via email and phone, and it never went anywhere. Last time was earlier this week, I went to friend's wedding (she's 10 years younger than me) and just saw how happy and in love she is, and other couples I met, and I know I don't have that. I don't love him. He happened to call me, maybe the 4th time we've ever spoken on the phone, and I tried to end it but it worked round to him booking tickets to come and see me next week!

Finally today I got an email from him saying I was right on the phone, he isn't coming now and it's best to end it. Made me sad but relieved.

I just don't know what to do with myself now. I've been 'with' someone for so long... but not with him. I never fancied anyone, was never in a position to meet someone yet I never got to go out with a DP, watch a film, just be a couple. I'm not sure I know how to do it! This was my first boyfriend really, sad given that I'm now 30, I don't know if I want to meet someone again or just hide. I met him online, I've never met anyone just for real in a pub or wherever. I'm very very overweight and I have no idea whether I'll ever find anyone again.

Aargh this is too long. I just need to talk and I don't really have anyone.

RedRidingChops Sun 07-Apr-13 23:40:38

Oh I should add neither of us had any children, and he has said that he loved me in the past but I never reciprocated.... I didn't want to lie. I've never been in love.

dondon33 Sun 07-Apr-13 23:50:16

You and me both Red hun.
I'm in the same position of not knowing what to do with myself but I'm focusing on finding work - all day I've been at it and it's took my mind off things.
You work long hours so you have that distraction already.
I know what you mean about meeting someone - that's for later though, this is all so fresh you need time to heal and recover before thinking about the next one. You will know 'how' to do it btw, when the time comes you will.
See friends and go out when you're ready, maybe get a new hobby.
I want to get back into exercise and really want to start jogging (when I've finished the cigs completely)

Keep hold of the 'relieved' feeling you had and remember you tried to end things before for a reason. You don't need him dangling a carrot whether he's going to come visit you or not - it's not fair and you're well rid.

Take care and keep posting if it helps you x

deliasmithy Mon 08-Apr-13 00:16:22

Red, it really sounds like this was holding you both back. It may be painful but there are so many people out there that there are guaranteed better relationships waiting for you.

If you dont have so many people to talk to can you do something to change that? Invite people you know out for a coffee/ meal/ drink etc.

It sounds like your confidence has taken a bit of a hit? Dont worry about finding someone right now, focus on you and doing things that make you feel better. If If i could wave a magic wand, what would you want to achieve in the next year? Is there anything you previously put off?

RedRidingChops Mon 08-Apr-13 00:24:11

thanks dondon I don't really have any feelings of loss at all, he was never here really. just a safety net! when people ask I could just say 'I've got a boyfriend' and never need to think about it! It wasn't even dangling a carrot as such, I've been putting him off as I really don't want him here. But not because he's a horrendous person- I just don't have any feelings for him. Maybe I'm feeling guilty because he's actually going through a 'break up' and I'm just relieved! Don't even need a distraction, I never really spent hours thinking about him or anything.

I'm sounding really heartless but I'm not! I've tried so many times to end it but it just kept dragging on. We could go two or three months without communicating at all. He's older than me, 37, and doesn't really bother with life. His parents give him money, he lives at home, he doesn't work. He never seemed to care, just breezed through life.

Think I kept it going because he's probably the best I can get sad

RedRidingChops Mon 08-Apr-13 00:27:17

delia Honestly it's not even painful but I feel like it should be! I'm moderately... I don't know, medium, not happy not sad about the whole thing. Confidence has never existed anyway, not lost it, never had it! Since I was with him I went from about a size 16 to a 26 (I'd previously been a size 32 so not the worst), down to a 14, now up to 22 again! I think I'm just settled with not caring anymore. I'd try and lose weight again and he'd come over and we'd eat takeaways for a week and I'd give up. Need to do it again.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Mon 08-Apr-13 07:58:05

He's not the best you can get!
This sounds totally cheesy but I think you need to focus on yourself for a bit - work at making yourself happier and try to boost your confidence.

deliasmithy Mon 08-Apr-13 09:12:03

Then it sounds like a good opportunity to prioritise what you wanna do without him getting in the way.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 11:21:48

Why do feel you have to signal to others that you are "in a relationship" ? And using that pretendy one as a way to say "I've got a boyfriend" sounds frankly rather odd.

Not every one judges other people on whether they "have a boyfriend" or not. Perhaps it's your friends/family you need to start looking at with a more critical eye too

dondon33 Mon 08-Apr-13 13:11:02

Red you don't sound heartless you sound sad and disillusioned sad

You don't need to pretend to be in a relationship - you're still the same person without having someone to call 'boyfriend'
You say you don't feel a sense of loss, pain or even regret that it's over so there was really no point to this person being in your life for so long.
Your confidence and self esteem sound at rock bottom hun - think what you can do to work on that - meet RL people, join groups, force yourself out there -it will be worthwhile. Have you had any counselling?
Start exercising - not only for weight control/loss but because it really does help lift the mood - Find a size that you're comfortable with and that will give you a boost too.

I'm quite certain that he IS NOT the best you can get, absolutely not but you'll never know and see for yourself unless you kick yourself up the arse, throw off the chains of negativity and get out there, even just to make friends.
You're 30 =young.
I told you I'm fresh out of a relationship and totally not thinking about another relationship but when I am ready I certainly won't be worrying about my age (I'm almost 35)
Hold your head up high Red you deserve to be happy but only you can take steps to acheive that.
Good luck xx

RedRidingChops Mon 08-Apr-13 17:40:36

Thanks all for replying.

Anyfucker it's not so much a signal it's just easier and kind of shows even someone like me can get someone. I babysit a lot and it's easier to say 'oh my DP lives abroad so I can sit Fridays and Saturdays' rather than saying I have no life or plans. My friends and family all know my circumstances so I'm not trying to impress them or anything!

dondon confidence and self esteem aren't rock bottom, they are the same they've ever been! Ive always been on the outside, always been obese and a bit weird. I met a few new people recently and I'm trying to make new friends. I did try to get counseling but work hours don't really allow it. I try to exercise but I walk for hours for work and my joint wont let me do much more.

I don't know if he's the best I can get but he put up with me.... I'm odd. I met him on a specialist website and he 'got' me. I don't know where people meet people, and I don't know how to be in a relationship!

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 18:00:34

What kind of "specialist" website ?

RedRidingChops Mon 08-Apr-13 18:04:02

Should have namechanged for this I think..... a 'kinky' kind of dating site. Nothing horrific!

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 18:09:26

Was it something to do with overweight people, love ?

RedRidingChops Mon 08-Apr-13 18:17:32

Nooooo! No no no. Is that even a thing? no never ever. Being obese is so unhealthy and in no way related to my relationships. In fact he preferred me thinner, he never made me lose weight but I know he did.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 18:24:53

Yes, it's a thing. I just had a horrible thought that might be the case here.

RedRidingChops Mon 08-Apr-13 18:34:48

no no no. I don't get any sexual pleasure from being fat, nor would I want to be with someone only because they liked my size, not me! I just wanted someone who was more open minded. Plus I find it difficult to find sites for bisexual people, you are either seeking a man or a woman. Kinky sites tend to attract the more openminded! But still it's me, the person, seeking another person, not a label seeking a label. If that makes sense.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 18:45:22

It makes perfect sense, and what I was getting at (wrongly as it turns out) is that I consider it damaging to accept attention from people who eg. would only be sexually interested in you for a physical manifestation IYSWIM. So we are in agreement smile

RedRidingChops Mon 08-Apr-13 18:57:05

Yes, definitely agree! I'm a bit odd, uneducated, fairly anti-social and not attractive to many people but even I'm not that damaged.

On paper the ex didn't have much going for him, living at home, no job, tendency to say stupid things (on seeing a lovely pick of my charges he joked I was a pedophile for having baby pics in my phone!) he drinks a lot and to be frank is a terrible kisser.

I just need to get past this feeling that I'm going to die alone.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 19:01:35

Erk. He sounds bloody awful. Lucky escape for you !

You won't die alone, and you don't come across as uneducated. I'll give you a bit "odd" wink but I am a deeply boring, middle aged, married monogamist, so don't take that too much to heart. I am sure there are lots of other slightly "odd" people who would be very interested in you.

Tbh though, love, I am not sure kinky sex websites are really the place for looking for them though if you are looking for a lasting relationship....

arsenaltilidie Mon 08-Apr-13 19:14:48

That guy sounds like a right loser, Instead of covering up to friends why you feel you have no life, you need to make your own life.
If I'm brutaly honest you also need to lose weight whilst you are still young.
Focus on that!
You will gain tremendous confidence in yourself.

catballou Mon 08-Apr-13 19:23:01

Also you sound like an interesting, honest person Red, quite articulate. You can definitely do better than that guy, he sounds like the weirdo, not you. Don't sell yourself short. There could be somebody you can connect with just around the to speak.

cjel Mon 08-Apr-13 19:35:04

You sound lovely, I would like you as a friend and you clearly have some as you've been invited to a wedding and people trust you with their children so all that sounds good.I have a lovely friend in her 30s who is stunning and own job, property etc.etc and she still feel like you do about never meeting anyone. I would urge you to try and find a counsellor that you can work round. A good one will really help you work out what you would like and then at least you would know what you wanted and not just had a vague idea you 'should' be with someone.xx

RedRidingChops Tue 09-Apr-13 10:24:14

anyfucker I'm glad I don't come across as uneducated. I didn't go to university, recently I met new people who had all gone to university and they were a bit 'off' when I said I hadn't. Knocked me a bit sad

Thanks everyone for the nice comments. I don't even know what I want, I've never been the kind of person who feels defined by a relationship. I spent 26 years single! I've never lived with anyone. Never been in love. Not even sure I want someone- but I don't want to give up on the idea of ever having children.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Apr-13 10:29:48

Ugh, those people sound like crashing bores, take no account of them

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