Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I don't know what to do about my boyfriend lie. WWYD?(69 Posts)
This is long but I will try to make it as brief as possible.
My husband passed 2 years ago, and for a year I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend who I will call here F. I have know F for over 20 years, we were in a relationship when we were 16/17 and he was the best boyfriend I ever had (and I had loads, in fact I am divorced from my 1st husband). We had (and still have) a great deep connection, very supportive relationship and lots of interests in common. We understand each other very well and have a great deal of admiration and respect for each other. Sex is amazing.
The reasons why we ended our relationship 20 years ago were:
1st- my mum and therefore all my family didn't approve of him even tough she never ever tried to get to know him properly and decided to judge him on his looks (tattoos, skateboard, rock and roll style) - and his mum didn't like me and never wanted to meet me either (not sure why). This made very difficult and tiresome for us to be together since we were not allowed in each others house properly and had to meet on the streets or other peoples house all the time. But it wasn't a secret to anyone we were in a relationship (small city in other country, everyone knew)
2nd- He cheated on me. We were on summer holidays in other city, he was at friends house and I was in my uncle's house. I was allowed to go out during the day but never during the night. One day there was this really cool party at the house and I promised I was going to go and had to call during the party saying that I was all dress up and ready but couldn't convince my uncle and decided not to go. Following day we met in the morning and he confessed he slept with one girl, he was ashamed and sorry and angry with himself and had no feelings for her (he knew this girl for a long time, even before me and never had anything to do with her so apparently this was a thingy of the moment). He said he loved me and would like to carry on with our relationship if I could truly forgive him even though he couldn't forgive himself, but he also would understand if I wanted to end and wouldn't give a hard time. So his last line made me end the relationship. However, I was ok, a bit shocked because I never expected that from him, but there were no anger, we remained great friends and kept supporting each other (we and specially him, had lots of family problems).
Ah I need to add that at that point we haven't had any sex ever, as we wanted it to be special and never had the opportunity for a perfect moment.
A year afterwards I moved city and he moved country so we lost contact. Than I moved to another country and than came to London where I met him totally out of the blue in the streets (this was about 8 years ago). We were both in a rush but exchanged phone numbers and started communicating, however he was moving countries again and we did not have a chance to meet up properly (I was very depressed, dealing with my divorce and was always either working very hard all hours I could and sleeping on the free time)
So he moved out of England and we lost contact again.
After my 2nd husband passed away, I decided to open a FB acc to track down people from my past. I tracked him down and we started to talk again, he started coming to London to visit me and I started to go where he lives too. We started a relationship again and so far it has been perfect in every single way. And I finally feel loved and in love the proper way. (my late H was a great guy buts was not 'the one' iyswim).
After 1 year together he revealed he has been lying all along. He (who was very poor 20 years ago) is now a millionaire. He won the lottery few years back and even though he has a normal (but very nice lifestyle), he has all this money invested and he doesn't really know what to do with this all (he says he helps a lot of people). He wants to help me, give everything I need and I want and wants to stay with me forever. He says he can't stop thinking about proposing but doesn't know how/when to do it since he knows I am divorced and also a widow and knows how much I suffered in the past.
Anyway, this took my breath away and I was really confused as to why he lied all this time (not many people know about it, people think he is very successful in his business).
I asked for a break to think about what to do.
What would you do?
You are seriously overthinking everything OP.
His money doesn't change anything, or at least it shouldn't.
He sounds like he did the right thing, why should his money make a difference to you? Why should he have to tell you about it all until he feels secure and ready to?
And lots of couples talk about proposals and mariage before the man actually gets down on one knee!
Don't keep judging him by what he did when he was just a teenager. He is a man now and probably much more mature.
I think you are overthinking the whole thing.
I agree you're overthinking things.
It's not fair to judge him on what he did as a teenager. I did terribly irresponsible, stupid things as a teen (including cheating), looking back it seems like they were done by a different person, and that's because in a way they were! We all change hugely from our teenage years to 38 (which I will be next month btw!), hopefully most of us for the better, morals wise.
It's strange he kept it from you, but it's such an unusual thing! There is no rule of etiquette on how you should behave if you win the lottery! I can understand totally keeping it from people in general. Try not to take it too personally he's kept it from you; he's told you now. If these two things are genuinely all you have to make you cautious about him, I'd say you're in danger of losing a really good thing because of a lack of perspective on your part.
Please don't say it is ridiculous arguments, I have been through a lot of shit because of wrong choice of men and sticking to bad relationships plus I have a daughter to think about. Also, now it is not a matter of dating for few days twice a month. It is serious business. I'm not rushing into a another serious relationship for no money in the world. I was rushed into my relationships and always got it wrong. Maybe if we were having sex 20 years ago than he wouldn't have gone and shagged the other girl but who knows? After we finished I started shagging a lot, different guys and all. I'm clearly messed up.
Maravilha, I mean this gently. You need to be a little more gentle on yourself and him.
Forgetting about the money for a second (if possible!) how do you feel about him saying he wants to propose? Do you feel it's taking things too quickly anyway?
yes, far to quickly for me, because I have a colourful past.
Mara, it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself of this because you are scared. But you also say he is one of your favourite people in the world. Your imagination and fears are running high and no wonder if you've had shit in the past. But this guy sounds like he is serious about you (and your dd), more than he could have ever been when you were both 17. But if it's not there for you, split up with him. For everyone's sake.
Him hiding the money until now wouldn't worry me.
I'm not sure I'd believe him, though, and I wonder why he told you this now.
You are in different countries. Does he want you to move there?
Does he want to move to your country?
Importantly, would you become financially dependent on him?
Personally, I'd thread carefully there. Even if he is now a very nice guy.
He would move here. He would expand his business opening a branch here and he lived here in the past so he knows what he is doing. His work would be based on the other side of the city but he knows I'm definitely not living London or even the area where I live and he would be fine with this I think. He would still have to travel back to where he is now but he can delegate to a team. And he has been talking about this before the money/proposal revelations. We are both from the samew country in south ameria but we don't want to go back and live there so this isn't a issue. I wouldn't necessarily become finacially dependent on him, only if I wanted to.
It may not have been intentional. It's not the sort of thing that's particularly easy to drop into conversation 'by the way, I'm a millionaire.' He may have held back so as not to spoil things or taint it with the suspicion (however unreasonable and silly because of history) of you being in it for the money as no matter how much you trust someone if you've been burned it's still difficult to open up. As time goes by it becomes harder to bring it up. The fact that he has done it shows his trust in you. Your feelings and fears are totally justified and completely understandable. Maybe ask for you both to have a full and frank disclosure of anything you might be worried about (either of you). You asked WWYD - I would rant, cry, complain, spit (probably throw a few things) at the lack of trust, see how he reacted to all that and then if the reaction was 'right' would start on the road to forgiveness and (dare I say it) a happily ever after....
You sound really hard work, OP, to be honest.
It's like a novel!
Am not usually forgiving of infedelity, but if he was v young when he did the dirty, think is less of a big deal!
Especially given that he is now rich
Give the guy a break
He cheated 20yrs ago when tbh his dick probably did the talking - he was a teenager
I'm assuming you forgave him for that now or else why have you been with him a year
Sorry to hear about dh2 - being a widow in your 30's sucks - as I know and I understand you have to think about your child - how old are they?
I don't blame the man for not revealing he is a millionaire
He has admitted he wants more - as in marriage - and sometimes you have to take a risk in a relationship - though tbh he doesn't sound a risk - more of a sure thing
He didn't lie - he just didn't tell you something
You ask WWYD. Well, if it is such a good relationship as you say I would give it a go. I suppose money just make things easier and faster and you are both not teenagers anymore so why waste time? And if he is such a caring guy who loves you and your child, he probably won't leave you dry, it seems he has been thinking about this situation for a long time. Also you can save your own money for the future since he is happy to provide for you. However if I were you, I would probably get married again, why not if there is love from both parties? It must be such fun planning a wedding when money is not a problem....
Well, judging by just your reaction, are you surprised he didn't tell you about the money?
I'm guessing this is exactly what he was expecting and has been trying to put it off.
As others have said, stop being so hard on him and on yourself.
If you like him then I don't understand why you can't be with him.
You've been seeing him for a year now so should be thinking about the future.
It's hardly 'rushing' into things.
Have a chat with him about how you feel and see where it goes.
Good luck and I hope you can enjoy your time with him.
I'd be worried that it wasn't actually a lottery win.
Could be anything. Could well be a lottery win, but I'm quickly suspicious, and would want a lot of details. He's been off the scene for a long time and old have been doing all kinds of things.
Join the discussion
Please login first.