Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I don't know what to do about my boyfriend lie. WWYD?(69 Posts)
This is long but I will try to make it as brief as possible.
My husband passed 2 years ago, and for a year I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend who I will call here F. I have know F for over 20 years, we were in a relationship when we were 16/17 and he was the best boyfriend I ever had (and I had loads, in fact I am divorced from my 1st husband). We had (and still have) a great deep connection, very supportive relationship and lots of interests in common. We understand each other very well and have a great deal of admiration and respect for each other. Sex is amazing.
The reasons why we ended our relationship 20 years ago were:
1st- my mum and therefore all my family didn't approve of him even tough she never ever tried to get to know him properly and decided to judge him on his looks (tattoos, skateboard, rock and roll style) - and his mum didn't like me and never wanted to meet me either (not sure why). This made very difficult and tiresome for us to be together since we were not allowed in each others house properly and had to meet on the streets or other peoples house all the time. But it wasn't a secret to anyone we were in a relationship (small city in other country, everyone knew)
2nd- He cheated on me. We were on summer holidays in other city, he was at friends house and I was in my uncle's house. I was allowed to go out during the day but never during the night. One day there was this really cool party at the house and I promised I was going to go and had to call during the party saying that I was all dress up and ready but couldn't convince my uncle and decided not to go. Following day we met in the morning and he confessed he slept with one girl, he was ashamed and sorry and angry with himself and had no feelings for her (he knew this girl for a long time, even before me and never had anything to do with her so apparently this was a thingy of the moment). He said he loved me and would like to carry on with our relationship if I could truly forgive him even though he couldn't forgive himself, but he also would understand if I wanted to end and wouldn't give a hard time. So his last line made me end the relationship. However, I was ok, a bit shocked because I never expected that from him, but there were no anger, we remained great friends and kept supporting each other (we and specially him, had lots of family problems).
Ah I need to add that at that point we haven't had any sex ever, as we wanted it to be special and never had the opportunity for a perfect moment.
A year afterwards I moved city and he moved country so we lost contact. Than I moved to another country and than came to London where I met him totally out of the blue in the streets (this was about 8 years ago). We were both in a rush but exchanged phone numbers and started communicating, however he was moving countries again and we did not have a chance to meet up properly (I was very depressed, dealing with my divorce and was always either working very hard all hours I could and sleeping on the free time)
So he moved out of England and we lost contact again.
After my 2nd husband passed away, I decided to open a FB acc to track down people from my past. I tracked him down and we started to talk again, he started coming to London to visit me and I started to go where he lives too. We started a relationship again and so far it has been perfect in every single way. And I finally feel loved and in love the proper way. (my late H was a great guy buts was not 'the one' iyswim).
After 1 year together he revealed he has been lying all along. He (who was very poor 20 years ago) is now a millionaire. He won the lottery few years back and even though he has a normal (but very nice lifestyle), he has all this money invested and he doesn't really know what to do with this all (he says he helps a lot of people). He wants to help me, give everything I need and I want and wants to stay with me forever. He says he can't stop thinking about proposing but doesn't know how/when to do it since he knows I am divorced and also a widow and knows how much I suffered in the past.
Anyway, this took my breath away and I was really confused as to why he lied all this time (not many people know about it, people think he is very successful in his business).
I asked for a break to think about what to do.
What would you do?
Did you ask why he didn't tell you sooner? What did he say his reasons were for concealing this money from you?
So his lie was a lie of omission, rather than of commission?
Sorry but this is a problem why?!
He obviously feels awkward about it, as he doesn't tell many people and has perhaps had bad experiences in the past, maybe he wanted to make sure the relationship was going somewhere on it's own merit before he disclosed this.
Not sure why he lied, he says he feels uncomfortable with all this money, he doesn't know what to do with it and the money scares him but at the same time it is nice to know he has it.
He had his business before the money and was already successful in what he does with a good living but not such a nice lifestyle he says. He carried on working normally, and he works really hard still (well less now as he travels a lot to come and see me).
It is possible that he has had people want to be with him just for the money, (burned maybe by a golddigger?) and now he's certain that you want him for 'him' so feels able to be upfront?
And it is not that he is hiding the money, he always pay a lot for me as he has more than me. And this feels normal to us because when he was very poor and I had my pocket money I paid lots for him.
Supposing this is true, then the reason I would think for concealing it would be to make sure that somebody loves him for him, rather than loving him for the money. It sounds awful, but in that position, you would always wonder I would think.
I can understand that specially since he is not a amazingly good looking guy with a normal/conventional style (well at least for the majority of women out there I was loved him and the way he is)
But I am feeling hurt that even after all those years and all the connection that we have, he could not trust me earlier.
You know him best but
assuming he's not the compulsive liar or fantasist type it sounds to me like he wanted to be sure where your relationship stood before making, what will undoubtedly be, a life-changing declaration.
Now you know do you feel any different about him? IMO this isn't a lie as much as an omission for valid reasons.
always loved his style and looks
that is what I meant
I would give it a go. Not because he has money but because of all other things that are good between you. I would actually be more suspicious if he told you about the money straight after meeting again.
Having said that, proceed with caution. Money can mess with people's minds esp when they are not used to being rich
I think he's done absolutely the right thing. The fact he's told you now shows you that he's trusting you with a secret that not many people know about.
A lot has happened since you two were last together. He's being mature waiting until he feels he knows you properly before he trusts you.
It would be awful if you'd struggled throughout the last year and he hadn't given you some money to help you out, but that didn't happen, did it?
How do you know he's telling the truth now?
TBH, I feel now the same way I did when he confessed he cheated on me. It is a shock, when you don't expect it.
I didn't expect him to cheat (even though he was young and I went on to cheat on boyfriends afterwards, and I was much older and mature than and knew better)
And i didn't expect him to be hiding such a huge part of who he is for such a long time into the relationship
Maybe comes to show that I don't know him as well as I think I do.
Well, how do i know if he is telling the thruth? I just don't.
I don't have any idea how much he should be making with his business (he says he could have a living but not such a nice lifestyle just with the business money), but I have been to see his business and it is very busy and got a good reputation.
He never helped me out in a sense of giving me cash or paying my bills, but wen he comes to visit, we do lots of nice things and he pays for it and when I went to visit, he paid for tickets and everything else out there.
He always have been a decent guy. The most gentle, sensitive and respectful boyfriend I ever had.
Which is kind of ironic because from the outside he has a kind of 'scary' 'tough' look (to some people, specially 20 years ago), while the more conventional guys turned out to be selfish / abusive and so on...
In the early stages it would be hard not to omit everything wouldn't it? You build trust with time, so maybe he needed to be sure he trusted you.
The way youve described it though, I think id want to see proof.
But the relationship is going well and he has his own business.
Why would he lie?
my folks have always said if they win the lottery they wouldn't even tell their kids!! I think I would be pretty circumspect about it too tbh. its life changing and must take some adjustment.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.