Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Legally separate or divorce???(9 Posts)
Hi ladies, just need some advice. After being married to a very controlling man for 10 years I am relieved to say that he moved out 4 weeks ago (I am already much happier).
Problems/worries listed below
1. Since he has moved out I feel very guilty that he has had to move into his mums flat and I am in our nice home (joint mortgage).
2. He initially wanted to have our DD 2 nights a week and alternate weekends. After 2 weeks he said it was too upsetting for DD to stay with him and instead he would come to the house and put her to bed. He arrives at 6pm and stays till she is asleep, which could be hours.
3. His mum is our childcare and continues to mind DD at our home. Which I am thinking is not a good idea.
4. I saw a solicitor last week who advised me to say to H that I wanted a legal separation and that if he wasn't accepting of this to go straight to divorce.
5. I told H I wanted a separation which after much begging, writing me personal letters etc etc he has finally agreed to. However he wants to move back in to sort it out "amicably". I have said no on the grounds of it not being good for DD and also that isn't being separated. He is still insisting.
6. He has also now decided that he want 50/50 custody (I have no issue with this, but it is a bit if a turnaround from no overnight stays)
7. He doesn't want to involve solicitors when agreeing settlement as he thinks they will take all the money.
My view on this
I think he wants to move back on so that he can keep an eye on me and prevent me from arranging anything with a solicitor etc without his knowledge.
I think if he moves in he will never move out again.
He also wants us to both go to see the mortgage advisor TOGETHER this week. Is this a good idea???
I am tempted to just petition for divorce now, but we are still sharing a car to get to work (I am getting one in 2 weeks) and also I was really hoping for my family to be here at the time that he would receive the petition but they can't visit for 3 weeks.
Any advice from you wise ladies?
If he is controlling go straight for divorce so that everything is agreed and set in concrete and he cannot control you and piss you around.
Why see a mortgage advisor together you need to know where you stand alone for financial independence away from a controlling man.
I would see a solicitor again asap. If they have already advised to go for divorce if he will be awkward then go with it. What he wants doesn't necessarily have to happen now. if hes been EA over the years you may still be springing back to 'having' to do what he wants. I'm not sure if you can legally stop him from moving into the house that you both own,The solicitors involvement can just be writing what you have agree, it doesn't have to cost loads. I would be very wary of doing what he wants in any of this he is still trying to control you. Phone your solicitor in the morning and they will tell you what your next step could be. If he doesn't want to use solicitorsyou still can. He will have to respect that you don't want him in the house to have his time with dd and although he may say its unsettling for your dd that is tough and may be more unsettling than getting used to the idea of two settled parents in their own homes. AS for using his mum in your home, that too will have to change. Things will be hard as you try to change but its not a good idea to separate bit by bit. Do it all in one go. Why do you have to see a mortgage advisor? there has been no decision made about finances yet so what will there be to discuss. Sounds all very much like hes trying to control and it is making you confused. Do what you want with your solicitor and if he continues to try and control say he has to have all discussions through solicitor to protect yourself.x
Thankyou for the replies. Can I ask, do you think I should petition for divorce now or wait until I have family visiting? He isn't going to be happy at all, his reaction could be yelling, shouting, banging on the door demanding to get in, ringing me 24/7 or just sending me heartfelt begging letters. He may also take the car leaving me without, cancel credit card (I have a new one on order) and he may do something stupid with the joint account.
Having been controlled for 10+ years I don't really know what my normal reaction should be.
Hi Lahti and well done on starting the process of getting away from this FW. You might find the EA thread helpful as most of us there have experienced your situation.
My reading of these threads suggests that you have no legal right to exclude him from your jointly owned home at present, but if presenting him with a divorce petition makes him kick off and reveal his true colours then that might be to your advantage. When he started to bash on the door and shout abuse you call the police and can then get an injunction to keep him away. It sounds cynical but most controlling men seem to get worse when they feel their grip slipping and that is when you are most at risk
You need to open your own bank account and put your share of the joint account into it. Have you used one of the calculators to work out how much money you will get with tax credits etc? There is a poster who shares a useful list of what you need to work through whose name escapes me but she may be along soon!
Don't panic! It all seems too huge at present but " A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step"
Thanks lemon I have often posted on the EA thread but it moves so fast and also I wonder if my situation is as bad as others.
I will get money transferred and speak with solicitor again today.
I think in teens of safety - open your own bank account & make sure none of your income goes into the joint account. Have your new credit card & car registered in your name only & make sure he has no access to the keys. Make sure he doesn't have access to the house & maybe even change your phone numbers, email address. Then file for divorce & let the solicitors deal with all the unpalatable legal stuff. If he does hammer on the door or phone 24/7 just call the police. He has no right to harass you. Stay strong & good luck
And if you can arrange alternative childcare or drop DD at his mum's so she can't access your house either all the better. You need to turn your house into a safe fortress. He can collect DD I guess but don't let him in & definitely not move back in!!
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.