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Relationships

My mom

15 replies

TrippleBerryFairy · 07/04/2013 21:58

While my mom is lovely in many ways i do have some niggling thoughts... Perhaps i have been reading too much if Stately Homes threads?...

This weekend i was talking to her on skype. She lives in my homecountry while im in uk. As we started chatting my partner came back home having bought lots of things for our new kitchen. I have to say our relationship is a bit rocky and this weekend we were areguing a bit. I made a comment to him about the stuff he bought and he lost his temper. Started really properly yelling at me, then at our 3.5 year old son. All while i was still on slype so my mom could hear it. I nicely said, mom, lets finish the conversation we speak at other time. She was sat there though not ending it just quiet. Then after more yelling from (D)P i snapped a bit- mom, lets just end it for now ok?! She hang up on me.

An hour later she texted me, it said- ' sorry i hung up, it is just too hard for me to witness that. And the fact i cannot help in anyway makes me feel even worse for me'.

Now my gripe here is that she makes ir sound like SHE is the suffering party.

Our backstory is that i had an eating disorder from when i was 15 and i felt so distressed because of how that fact made HER feel. I always felt like im contributing to her poor health, almost like killing her. I left homecountry when i was 22, still ill and stayed in a foreign country (not uk) doing shit jobs, one of the reasons for that was i wanted to be far away so that she doesnt know im still ill and wouldnt feel the immense guilt. I was more worried about making her upset than about how ill i was.

Whenever she comes over here now and stays with us it becomes tense after 3-4 days or so. Mostly because me and partner argue regularly and when she witnesses it she herself goes into meltdown so i end up having to deal with the original argument plus managing her reactions! Im sure it's not nice to stay in a house with family arguing but i just wish she would be supportive/wise instead of going into a meltdown...

When we were teens/preteens me and my sister were her confidantes about how unhappy she was with dad and heard perhaps too much and stuff we shouldnt have heard.

I cant help but wonder (while feeling very guilty even about thinking like that) if she is a bit too self centered. She could have texted to say that she is sorry she had to witness an argument and that she hopes we will work it out in the end. Instead the text is all about how SHE is suffering because she heard us arguing.

Am i a cow of a daughter?...

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/04/2013 22:51

Your partner sounds abusive.

She's probably very distressed...witnessing your child getting verbally abused in front of her toddler...that's a terrible thing.

Your post is about the wrong person as far as I can see. What man shouts at his wife in front of her Mother...AND more importantly her 3 year old!

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TrippleBerryFairy · 07/04/2013 22:56

Thank you Neo, you might be right. I just wish she didnt pile guilt on me when i have a shit partner.

It was proper loud shouting, yelling. He knew i was talking to her. Who does that? We had a tense weekend, admittedly but come on, she was over for easter and though it was lovely...

My son was climbing on all the newly bought boxes and then he proceeded to yell at him to stop it... My little man was crying... and shouting back!

I feel trapped and desperate.

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/04/2013 23:01

Is he always shouting? Is he violent?

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/04/2013 23:01

Oh and you're NEVER trapped...there is always a way out.

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TrippleBerryFairy · 07/04/2013 23:06

Jeez, from the very begining i had a feeling this is not going to work out, me and dp i mean. I re-read my old threads and it brongs back things which otherwise i would have forgotten.

I was going to leave him, after his last escapade to a strip club and porn addiction. I didnt as he promised to work on himself. I demanded him to go to sti clinic, he's conveniently forgotten that. He joined sex addicts anonymous, i guess thats a step forwards but it's once a week and it's 20+ people in the group whereas i know his issues (sexual abuse and anger issues) need 1-2-1 counselling.

Nothing like MN to bring real issues back into focus...

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TrippleBerryFairy · 07/04/2013 23:08

He does shouting, he is not physically violent. The violent one is me, i have hit him a few times in the past in desperation.

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TrippleBerryFairy · 07/04/2013 23:11

He seems to yell regardless of whether DS is around whereas i often would say i will not engage in an argument while DS is around. The yelling is awful, makes me want to hit him really in order to shut him. I often think that i am the abuser.

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Notsoyummymummy1 · 07/04/2013 23:14

If you want complete honesty I think she reacted in the manner of a caring mum who was genuinely upset to see her daughter on the receiving end of aggressive behaviour and not be able to help or stop it. I think you are reading too much into the way she phrased it because you have unresolved feelings from the past and you are attaching these to your new situation. I think perhaps deep down rightly or wrongly you blame your parents for the problems you've had with your eating disorder and your relationship and that's why you get angry and resentful and feel like your mum has no right to get upset over it. Perhaps you were over burdened with your parents' problems at a young age and controlling your weight was a way of feeling like you had some control over your life when you were feeling powerless. Maybe the example you were given of marriage has distorted your view of what is acceptable in a relationship. I don't know I can only speculate on what you've said. However it does sound like the child in you still feels responsible for your mother's wellbeing whilst the adult in you resents this and feels weighed down by it. Whatever mistakes your mum has made in the past she is still entitled to worry about you and she can't help it - she loves you deeply and it must be scary for her to see you going through things she went through. I think she was only trying to explain to you why she hung up I don't think in this instance she was trying to move the focus to her but her choice of words made you feel like an overburdened child again. I think you would really benefit from some counselling to help you work through your relationship with your mother and to try and do something to make your home life better - for your child's sake too. You know yourself how much an unhappy home can affect a child. Good luck xxx

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/04/2013 23:24

Leave the house when he yells....get into the garden or out the front with DS...so he can't yell....he wouldn't yell in front of neighbours would he?

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TrippleBerryFairy · 07/04/2013 23:30

Notso yummy- i think you are right. I know i need to find a counsellor to talk things through as i don't know anymore who is the cause of problems in my relationship. I can be vile, that's what my partner tells me and i sometimes wonder if im re-enacting the learned model from my family where mom was putting down dad to my current relationship. On the other side though, my dp is emotionally distant, angry, there's little intimacy so im sure it's not just me alone causing bad things...

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TrippleBerryFairy · 07/04/2013 23:34

Sorry, im such a drip feed. I shall start a new thread at some point when i get my thoughts together.... I need to give the full situation if i'm expecting good advice, there just seems soo much.

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deste · 08/04/2013 10:23

If I was on the phone to my DD and her partner came in and an argument started and I heard it, my reaction would be the same as your mothers. I think you sound as bad as your partner, it doesn't sound a healthy relationship.

Our backstory is that i had an eating disorder from when i was 15 and i felt so distressed because of how that fact made HER feel. You were on track to possibly kill yourself or at the very least make yourself extremely ill, what did you expect her to feel. If she felt nothing you would be on here saying she didn't care. As someone above said you are focussing on the wrong person.

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glastocat · 08/04/2013 10:51

Agree with the others, your problem is with your partner, not your mum. Of course your mum would be worried and distressed at you have a vile bully of a partner, also an eating disorder. That's a pretty natural reaction I reckon.

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LookingThroughTheFog · 08/04/2013 11:04

Mozarela, possibly the voice of descent here, but I do think that just because your partner is a problem, that doesn't mean your mom isn't too.

Yes, you need to focus on the issue with him immediately, because that is the most pressing.

I can also see how your mother found the argument difficult.

However, I'd like to think in the same situation, a helpful, sensible thing to say might have been; 'are you OK? Do you want to talk about it? What can I do to help or support you?'

So don't feel bad about having that reaction to your mum. But put it aside for another time and focus your attention where it needs to be.

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MTSgroupie · 08/04/2013 11:07

OP - Why do you expect your mum to put on her Happy Face when her DD's partner is verbally abusing her DD in front of her?

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