Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sordid discovery - or could it be innocent? What do you think?

(93 Posts)
Katy71 Sun 07-Apr-13 20:04:59

Earlier today I needed to send a photo via email. Was on DHs iPad so sent it via his email. Checked to see it had gone and instantly saw in the sent folder an email DH had sent to a yahoo cn email (china?) a few weeks ago when he was on a business trip to LA. the address was 'Asian massage'. The email was blank - just a self taken photo of DH. He was wearing a t shirt and looked a bit scruffy - in bed maybe? He had sent it at 9am on the Monday morning, LA time. What is that all about? Thoughts please.

ArtVandelay Sun 07-Apr-13 23:37:36

Well, if he's acting like that, something is not right. Don't know what I'd do in the face of angry denial like that. I wouldn't believe him though, sorry.

Ponyinthepool Sun 07-Apr-13 23:39:00

Prostitution. The photo is security for the girl in case anything happens to her. The Chinese domain is to get around US prostitution laws.

His barefaced lie is enough grounds to boot him out completely. Expect him to deny this until he's blue in the face, and making you think you imagined it. Strength to you OP.

LaLaGabby Sun 07-Apr-13 23:41:16

I also think the '' address is just a bit of marketing to reinforce the fact that the sex workers are 'fresh of the boat'. hmm Was the Monday morning the day he left, the start of his stay in LA or something in between?

One possibility is that he emailed in response to an online ad for paid sex or simliar, but that they didn't actually meet in the end. believe it or not there are people on craigslist/infidelity sites etc whose only interest is to collect photos or string people along. But I think the fact that massage was in the address and the email was sent while he was away suggest he was after something in person, not dirty chat or similar.

Katy71 Sun 07-Apr-13 23:41:20

I am devastated to admit that I think you are all right - it seems there is no innocent explanation. Is there?

Ponyinthepool Sun 07-Apr-13 23:42:44

Also, pop ups don't show up in history. There is no accidental way for an escort site to end up there. So sorry :-(

ImperialBlether Sun 07-Apr-13 23:42:47

OP, I'm really sorry this is happening. Just remember, though, that whatever he tells you now will be the minimum he thinks he can get away with.

madonnawhore Sun 07-Apr-13 23:49:23

Well, you've found some very dodgy stuff in his history and he's behaved very weirdly when confronted.

Quite understandably you're not happy with this. So you get to say what happens next, not him.

If his reaction isn't good enough for you then tell him you need him to leave for a bit while you have a think about what you want to do.

There's no innocent reason why he would have that sort of site in his history or why he'd be emailing photos of himself to that address. So he needs to start talking or fuck off tbh.

samlamb Sun 07-Apr-13 23:52:57

Non nm hugs ((())))

Booyhoo Sun 07-Apr-13 23:53:14

"Hhe totally denied it. He has now gone to spare room."

to concoct his story.

samlamb Sun 07-Apr-13 23:54:17

*mn blush

Booyhoo Sun 07-Apr-13 23:59:17

i know if someone said they'd seen something dodgy on my phone or laptop my absolute first reaction would be to ask them to show me it.

madonnawhore Mon 08-Apr-13 00:00:25

Exactly Booyhoo, you'd be like 'WTF!? Let me see?'.

Booyhoo Mon 08-Apr-13 00:03:31

yes. that's it. "what? no way! where? let me see" open laptop with person right beside me. prove my innocence.

Katy71 Mon 08-Apr-13 06:18:28

Anyone up yet? I've been awake most of the night thinking about what is next. His angry reaction worries me. At about 12.30am I went in to ask him again to tell me the truth. He woke up with a start and told me ' to fucking give him a break.'

Mondrian Mon 08-Apr-13 06:31:57

His reaction was not the best, breakdown of communication or lack of it is always worrying, but it is important to reserve judgement until you can get to the bottom of it. Porn could still be a viable culprit and raise similar responses from him. What would you do if sex was involved? What would you do if porn was involved? Are you happy with other aspects of your relationship? Does he travel a lot?

Guilty or not you want to use your head to proceed and rushing into confrontation may not be the best way forward.

postmanpatscat Mon 08-Apr-13 07:00:02

His reaction is angry and defensive which makes me think that he has something to hide. You may never know exactly what he has done, you will need to decide whether you know enough to act on it.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 08-Apr-13 07:09:38

Agree completely with boo if it was innocent he would've asked you to show him or explained it rationally. He completely denied it existed even though you had see it hmm

Did you take note of the email? Maybe you could write to them

Numberlock Mon 08-Apr-13 07:12:46

Second the plan to ask him to move out while you decide what to do next. This woukd be a deal-breaker for me I'm afraid.

LadyMountbatten Mon 08-Apr-13 07:17:27

Were things ok in the relationship before this?

snowshapes Mon 08-Apr-13 07:18:15

Oh goodness, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Agree it does not look good even if he did not follow through on the meeting it still looks like he contacted someone and he has reacted badly to your legitimate quuestioning of the email. I do think holding back from confrontation a little to see what he says, to see if you get a reply to your email and to have time to process this yourself is a good idea. But am not sure I really see a positive outcome as not sure if you would be able to trust him after that reaction. Really sorry.

Ponyinthepool Mon 08-Apr-13 07:29:54

He will likely be very defensive and angry with you to scare you off pushing the issue any further. You'll need to stand your ground and make sure he knows how seriously you're taking this. At the moment he won't feel you have enough evidence to give you any sort of confession, but in my opinion the email and his refusal to be cooperate is enough. There is absolutely no innocent explanation for this. As other posters have said, think about how you would have reacted. And think about whether your husband would accept being fobbed off with 'fucking give me a break' if he found something that concerned him? Not likely.

deliasmithy Mon 08-Apr-13 07:32:24

I explained this scenario to my OH, he immediately said "high end prostitution". So sorry.

essexmumma Mon 08-Apr-13 07:42:26

I'm sorry this is happening OP. How were things between you generally before this?

ArtVandelay Mon 08-Apr-13 07:49:07

What a tit. I don't think talking is getting anywhere. I think you should go really, really cold - ignore him. Gather documents on the quiet, maybe find a solicitor and go to the Drs for sti tests. Don't cook or do anything for him. Hopefully he'll crack and tell you what's going on but either way you've got the information you need to keep healthy and to go it alone if necessary. Also you will have kept your dignity, you need to scare him and begging or getting emotional just gives him the upper hand. Hugs.

happyon Mon 08-Apr-13 07:49:51

I'm sorry. It's classic anger deflection. He is guilty but will deny and make you out to be wrong. Stand firm. He will try to wear you down.

What an utter bastard: he obviously cares little about women if he betrayed his wife and with a prostituted woman.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now