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How can I make it better?(4 Posts)
I am a regular (not that prolific) with a recent name change as I had made myself very findable with my old one!
DH and I have one DD, aged 2 and have been married nearly 4 years, together for nearly twelve years. While I was desperate to have DD, he wasn't particularly thrilled when I said I was pregnant. Nine months on, he fell in love with DD instantly and I struggled to bond. I found my maternity leave and return to work (full time) very very hard and looking back I wish I had gone to the doctors as I was certainly depressed. However, informally I talked it through regularly with a medical professional at my work, and I now feel 'myself' again. I am happy working etc. I am also discovering my DD with joy, the bond is all there and I adore her. It helps that I seem to much prefer the toddler stage! She is so funny and lovely and cute. The OCD tendencies that came with my depression/ anxiety seem to have retreated a bit and I am finally able to spend the day playing instead of cleaning!
However, I think my relationship with my DH has been really damaged. Our sex life is very poor (I think we have DTD three times since Christmas). I have gained a lot of weight and feel unattractive and he never initiates anymore. I don't think that is because of my weight gain; I think it is because I have rejected him so many times. Both of us are worried about another pregnancy happening, we couldn't cope with that at the moment. Our relationship has been reduced to functional- we tolerate each other, deal with practicalities, do things with DD, but there is very little between us. And I don't know how to fix it! I know the obvious is spend time together, but we just sit and don't talk! I really love him but if I am perfectly honest, I feel resentful of him because he has found all this so easy and I have found it so hard- and he wasn't even that bothered about having a child in the first place!
Is there a solution here? Has anyone else had any similar experience? Feel free to tell me I need to snap out if it, perhaps I just need to get over myself...
Similarish experience. Maybe not quite so pronounced as yours. What I found very helpful was to try to treat my DH as if he was a very good friend. For example, even if I am really tired, I try really hard to show a lot of interest in what he is saying. I also try to be positive and chatty with him. Lastly, I try to make a point of thanking him for the things he does for me and being positive and non critical of him. Basically, I try to treat him very kindly and respectfully.
I'm embarrassed writing this, as you would think that these are all things which normal, decent humans do, but I recently realized, to my horror, that I had slipped into a rut with our relationship/my behavior towards him.
It has helped quite a lot. Life is a not nicer now and I feel closer to him.
Thank you- you are absolutely right. Much of the time we tolerate each other but we are not positive or nice or even sometimes kind. That is a bit shameful actually! It is interesting you say you try hard to show an interest in what he is saying... before DD, we led quite separate social lives and didn't spend that much time together and so we didn't need to care about what happened at work today etc. Now we see each other more, I guess we have to make time to listen. Action point noted!
Have you tried telling him your concerns, how you feel. How you felt then and now.
Also thanking him for being so good with your dc and patient with you when you were struggling etc.
Not some sort of blaming exercise just an audit of sorts of the last couple of years. Good stuff and bad.
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