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Am I over-reacting? Strip club...

(62 Posts)
kayfish Sun 07-Apr-13 18:01:28

New here and currently 3 months pregnant with my first child. My DH and I have been together for a few years and have always had a great relationship. He has been very protective of me and we are one of those couples who have quite a longterm routine, do everything together and are with each other all the time. My DH has had a bit of a wild past, being with lots of women and never wanting to settle down until he met me. I was fine with this until Thursday night when something happened to change my feelings of trust.

A really old friend of DH's came to town from his partying days. DH had told me this man's womanizing ways were behind him and he was faithful to his now-wife. DH said he was going for a couple of drinks with him and would be back at 11pm. I stayed up as I always do for him to come back as I had not yet met this friend and was going to say hello. Well.. time passed and I didn't hear from DH. When I watsapped him and saw it didn't deliver I realised his battery had died. I was up all night worrying and upset about how out of character this was. At 4.30am I heard DH come in, drunk with his friend. I listened as they put all their clothes in a washing machine, both showered, both ate and eventually DH stumbled into bed.

I was upset, of course, but was aware that he was too drunk to discuss it reasonably. He tried to hug me in bed but I said no we'll talk tomorrow. He got upset and started shouting that I was rejecting him etc etc. Eventually he passed out but I was doubly upset that he had come home late and then shouted. In the morning he said he had been to a casino with his friend til 4.30am (DH likes to play poker, so this wasn't a surprise,) his battery had died and he was just catching up on old times. I said okay fine, you never go out I'm glad you had a good time.

Fast forward to later in the day on Friday, DH and his friend are exhausted from the night before and have passed out in the living room. On the table DH has left his wallet with three receipts open. One for a nightclub at 1am and then another for a strip club at 2.49am.

When DH wakes up I speak to him in our bedroom and ask him to please tell me the truth about where he was. After a lot of protesting he told me they went to the nightclub then a stripclub for lapdances because his "friend wanted him to." He said while he was there he was planning to just sit at the bar and watch the girls, but he got pestered the whole time while his friend was having his lapdance and so decided to have one too to "get the girls off his back." He said that he didn't tell me about it because his friend had asked him not to - as his friend did not want my first impression of him to be that he went to stripclubs.

I have never questioned DH before, but now that he has lied I feel insecure. And I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones ramping up or whether in any non-hormonal situation I would be fine with this.

Do you think his story sounds kosher?

kayfish Mon 08-Apr-13 11:26:26

The third receipt was for something mundane - like dinner they had, had.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 11:35:57

I can see this madonna/whore complex getting worse now that you are pregnant with his first child and the pregnancy could explain why he seems to have suddenly reverted back to past behaviour. Having children will put you in a vulnerable position esp if you decide to give up work.

What do you want to do now? If you decide to stay with him and want a more equal relationship then you need to challenge his views and thinking about women, sex and relationships. I suspect that you need to look at yourself as well given how much you like being a princess - please do not give away your independence and control.

seriouscakeeater Mon 08-Apr-13 14:24:07

Kay what ever you do dont listen to madabout confused hope you get it sorted.

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Mon 08-Apr-13 15:57:52

Why would he also go to the effort of having a shower and washing clothes yet he didnt get rid of the receipts as evidence !

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 16:37:30

serious - why not? confused

Charbon Mon 08-Apr-13 18:02:46

You most certainly can buy sex in some lapdancing clubs, but this tends to be a private arrangement made with an individual dancer during a private dance. In the so-called 'respectable' clubs (what a misnomer) like Stringfellows this will take place somewhere else; usually a hotel, car or the sex worker's own premises.

I don't want to link another poster's support thread about a very similar set of events, but it's interesting to note how similar the OP's beliefs are about relationships with men and their role as women. It's positively damaging for women to be raised with a script that they should be treated like princesses instead of as equal partners. Women who have these beliefs tend to attract the worst kind of misogynist men who see women as either mothers or prostitutes. But even the mothers are expected to look decorative and trophy-like and this is the price they pay for being in the relationship.

OP, have a look out for that thread and the posts on it.

Darkesteyes Mon 08-Apr-13 18:05:22

OP if he has a madonna/whore complex (and it sounds like he does) i suspect you will be back here in a few months time asking why he seems to have gone off sex with you.

Darkesteyes Mon 08-Apr-13 18:06:10

Agree with Charbon.

conorsrockers Mon 08-Apr-13 18:52:11

If he had text you at 11pm saying that him and friend were having a great time and wanted to carry on, maybe club/Stringys or something - dont wait up xx

How would you have reacted?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 18:56:44

Conors -and your point is? hmm knowing that it was upset Op is NOT a reason to disrespect his DW's feelings....

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 18:57:01

* would not was

conorsrockers Mon 08-Apr-13 19:02:22

I wasn't saying I agreed with him! I was wondering if he had not lied about it and been upfront would it still be an issue? My DH did a similar thing a looooong time ago, for some daft reason he tried to hide it - once we'd got past the fact it wasn't the strip club, it was the fact he'd lied - it got sorted. I was also pregnant - he panicked because of that ....

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