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Heartbroken and Struggling to Cope Pt2

(38 Posts)
Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 07-Apr-13 13:23:59

Some of you may remember me from the original thread. Sorry if am withering on, I just need to get this out.

I was with P for 18 months, house together etc, work for same organisation, so called happy. Sadly for me after 6 months he started putting me doing, being aggressive and it eventually manifested itself into physical violence.

We ended 2 days after Christmas 2012, I confessed all to my parents. In reality I left but he asked me to go.

The first thing he did was delete me, my family and friends off Facebook- priorities !!! I was pretty shocked and humiliated.

I'd felt uncomfortable for some time about him messaging a friends sister and it turns out my feelings and instinct were not in vain. My friend told me last night a mere few days later on New Year's Eve , he was flirting outrageously with her. Alas.

Should point out been no contact since very early January, and only bashed into him once.

Anyway, the point of this is.. Last night , on Facebook (I don't have it anymore) my friend took me aside and told me there's a new girlfriend. I am upset. Although I do now he can't hurt me anymore...

I struggle daily as we pass each other in the car, I struggle as my life was a lie, my P was not who I believed he was.

Am struggling right now in the knowledge of this that nothing of our relationship in my eyes meant all that much to him for him to behave this way , even now. And that it still hurts like hell.

For all he did to me, I fear I still love the person who I thought I woke up next to every day

Please help!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Apr-13 13:49:53

Your life wasn't a lie. He was a liar. There's a big difference between the two. He was also violent & abusive. Something he conveniently switched on when he'd decided he'd had enough of you. Again... that doesn't make your life a lie, it makes him the liar for luring you in with his 'Mr Nice Guy' act. It was a con trick, wasn't it?

You don't love him. He's just a sore that you keep picking at. He's top of mind because you see him daily and presumably you still work at the same place. What you need therefore is a complete change of scene. New location, new job, whatever it takes to get him out of your head and fill your life with different, much nicer things.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sun 07-Apr-13 17:22:01

Thanks so much , cogito. That does give me a lot of clarity. I guess I am just humiliated I was taken in by all the lies and always believed in the better in him. Am humiliated now as he's moved on so quick - perhaps to prove a point. I don't have anything to prove just now; I still have my self respect and will remain gracefully silent.

I have applied for a new job, had interview on Thursday . New city too, you're right, I so need out, it's just so sad as I lived all I had not all that long ago and one person has turned my world upside down.

The feelings of love change every day. I don't quite know what they are. I miss the good parts of the lies I guess, if you see what I mean!

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 08-Apr-13 20:58:38

If anyone is out there I could really do with a handhold tonight.

I understand it all. I think he probably even cheated; would explain his ability to check out so callously.

I am just scared and alone. And am frightened , frightened of the fact nothing stays the same . I really want constants just now and I feel I have none.

Sailormercury Mon 08-Apr-13 21:09:52

I'm here brew
I suppose its very much like going through the grieving process when a relationship ends. I'm here for you if you want to talk about it.It's always darkest before the dawn.

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 08-Apr-13 21:12:07

Hi sailor and thank you.

Am just so humiliated and confused and don't know where to turn. Since the latest news I've gone back to square 1; not getting up in the mornings and being sick every day when I wake up. The thought of him having moved on.

It's made me worthless

Sailormercury Mon 08-Apr-13 21:17:06

You are NOT worthless. He is the worthless one. Have you been to the doctors?

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 08-Apr-13 21:19:28

I suffered with PTSD quite badly before and couldn't eat, was told to wait if out and it would pass, it did.

I don't want to go on anti depressants, and there's a 9 month waiting list for counselling.

I'm considering going private, but I also know that no counsellor can ever give me the answers to the why or take away the personal hurt and humiliation . It's ruined so much and am not myself. Am permanently teary and short tempered and I have a jaded view on everything. Can't even face my cousins wedding as I don't want to watch it.

Sailormercury Mon 08-Apr-13 21:29:02

I'm so sorry flowers

The fact he's moved on doesn't meen he's anything special. I think men like him are very good at burrowing inside peoples heads and sniffing out people they think might be vulnerable.
There just aren't answers for some things though. Have you tried Lundy Bancrofts " why does he do that "?

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 08-Apr-13 21:33:26

Thanks for flowers, you're kind.

We were supposed to get married, built a home together and were carving out the future. Man it hurts

I have read that book, plus the 'living with the dominator' one. Both most helpful. The thing is, I just can't believe my 'wonderful' man did all of this to me, and to continue to hurt me.

It's shaken me to the core. I think I have some kind of emotional attachment because of the abuse, it doesn't make sense or reason why I can still only think about the good things. Am tiring of myself now.

rabbitonthemoon Mon 08-Apr-13 21:38:03

Here is a huge handhold. I've been exactly where you are now and it is a horrid hollow feeling. You sound like a lovely person who got involved with a dick, but even dicks usually have some nice bits and you probably miss those BUT this was the very right thing to happen. You would not have been happy with this man long term and he treated you badly. He will go on to treat the new person badly and you are best put of it. Unfortunately when you are in in it stings like hell. I wish I could make it all better for you instantly but know that it WILL get better and you will look back and feel relief that you escaped. Take all the support you can from all sorts of sources, rest, try to nurture yourself as best you can and come and talk to us.

foolonthehill Mon 08-Apr-13 21:38:47

He's just using someone else to massage his ego....until she either wakes up and realises he is not the person she thought she saw, ot he gets bored and moves on.

You on the other hand have the power to move on and build a great life...he will always be him, he won;t escape but YOU are can and will build a great life without him ...suggest some vitamin D (either sun or I'm not joking a big role to play) as interim measure for depression and what cogito your life and leave him far behind you!

PS I spent far, far too many years with my own version of your ex, look your beliefs about him squarely in the eye, realise that he sold you a lie...that does not make you a liar, a cheat or a bad were willing to see the best in him and build a life with him, he is the failure who could not build along with you, who lied and abused you. That is not your fault, none of it.

Much love xxfool

rabbitonthemoon Mon 08-Apr-13 21:39:39

Oh and make a list of the crap things vs the good things, honestly. I found that very helpful.

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 08-Apr-13 21:46:20

rabbit, thank you.

All of what you say, I know it makes sense! I go through periods of sense, logic , ration and empowerment... Then like a lead balloon , the enomity and the emotion if the who relationship and cruel break up hits me! It drives me nuts.

I know he can't hurt me anymore. And I know I have more self reapect than to go getting with anyone else and publicly announce it. I think it's embarrassing he's behaving this way, and humiliating me in doing so.

I don't really know where am going with this thought now! I would just like real hope and to believe in the good in men again. I certainly believe in the good in MN and my friends flowers

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 08-Apr-13 21:49:24

Hi fool, thanks for coming by.

He fooled me for so long. He even admitted he acted a certain way to woo me as that's what you do.. Don't think so.

Am scared by my thoughts and inability to see things for what they are. And for believing him for so long; in him , the better in him, and sticking by him- violence and all. It's scared me as if you knew me you wouldn't believe this at all. That's the thing about DV, it catches you out, and the hold keeps you there. The emotional abuse never leaves

How did you find the strength and courage,?

Sailormercury Mon 08-Apr-13 21:53:43

The emotional attatchment is like stockholm syndrome in a way. Like when you bond with your captor?
When you said he was "wonderful" it reminded me of my DMs father. Everyone would stop my Nan in the street and tell her how lucky she was to be married to X he's so lovely, a wonderful man etc. At home he was a nightmare, abusive and frequently shagged around. I don't know why but a lot of very bad men seem to have an uncanny talent for coming across as "Mr Niceguy".
The "you" that you're tiring of isn't the real you. I think you're tired of the "you" he conditioned you to be. IFYSWIM?

Chaoscarriesonagain Mon 08-Apr-13 22:05:24

Yes, I agree with the Stockholm syndrome. It's free from reason, this feeling I have

I see what you mean, about the person he conditioned me to be; subservient , overly forgiving, too reliable, and most of all, someone who would take his abuse. Time and time again

I want it to be over!!!

Sailormercury Mon 08-Apr-13 22:20:35

You'll get there, we are all here for you.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 09-Apr-13 00:55:46

'It will all be alright in the end - if it is not alright, it is not yet the end'. You are on a journey, and time will pass, you will find a way through and one day this will be in your past not in your present. Hold on to your self worth, see what happened as something he did, not your fault. You will have learned from this so it will not be wasted experience. Hang in there!

Chaoscarriesonagain Tue 09-Apr-13 04:06:16

Thanks all. Just woken up after a bad dream (the mind struggling to understand again, thought I was past this). I just can't believe the why why why !

After all I did, after all the love I had, the love I thought he had for me. To this. So damned lonely and hurt.

I have began to really resent life

jynier Tue 09-Apr-13 04:18:15

OP - So sorry that you have been so deeply hurt; stay on here and people will help you to go through the pain.

What are you going to do now? Stay up? Watch TV?

Sending best wishes, x (I would attach a couple of sympathetic/cheery emoticons but have no idea how to do this!)

Brightlydoesit Tue 09-Apr-13 07:02:34

"This too will pass" . This is my mantra at the moment, it's a good one.

foolonthehill Tue 09-Apr-13 09:30:26

Don't let the past steal you future......

rabbitonthemoon Tue 09-Apr-13 12:30:31

How are you today CC? Hope you got back to sleep.

Chaoscarriesonagain Tue 09-Apr-13 19:53:47

Hi all

Sorry for delay; hectic day working . Still really struggled to get up and felt physically sick again, but have soldiered on.

I guess am just struggling between ration and knowing he's a horrendous person and with the masses of love and care I gave him to have him move on do quick; proof he didn't feel same !

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