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Is sister narcissistic?

(8 Posts)
appletarts Sun 07-Apr-13 12:58:31

I always have a sense of being compromised and pushed around by her. I am either absolutely adored and treated like a child, along with constant judgements about my life and my capabilities or I am absolutely hated and she goes out of her way to destroy things important to me.I always feel my head is being f**ked with! This is the story;

She is much older and took care of me some of the time as a child (she tells me with great relish how my mother didn't want me and thank goodness she was there to pick up pieces). As an adult she has tried to destroy my relationship with my mother. When I was younger she took a smothering mothering role and was very kind but kept me away from other siblings and mother by making sure she did everything first herself first (mother of course is not blameless in this being narc herself!). As a young adult she continued to treat me as a child and criticised everything I did, talked down to me, enjoyed it when my life fell apart and I relied on her. In recent years I got myself together and asked her could we please have a more adult to adult relationship and that was when the hate campaign began. She belittled my career and choice of husband, she tried to ruin my wedding day and the birth of my child with her huge tantrums and atmospheres and ruined these big events not just for me but for everyone attention all went on her negativity. She plays complicated mindgames with rules about how and when we can contact eachother, she is an absolute control freak. She recently babysat for me and told me I could not call to see how my daughter was even though she had been very ill and she ignored my calls when I did ring. This has been the final straw.

I have decided to stop contact with her and only see her at important family events and try to become neutral in her company, giving her no chances to hook in to me. She made my other sisters life a living hell in the same way and once she had moved away from her she started her hate campaign on me. I have told her how I feel about how she has treated me, she says I am unstable and takes no responsibility. This weekend I have ignored her phone calls for the first time in my life and it feels so strange, risky and sort of liberating.

Thank you if you have read this far.

FannyFifer Sun 07-Apr-13 13:02:41

Don't know about narcissistic but she doesn't sound like a nice person.

Just cut yourself off, you sound like you are doing the right thing.

RobotLover68 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:20:56

it doesn't really matter whether she is narcissistic or not - the fact is, she has form for this (previous sister) and she's now doing it to you - as Fanny says, she sounds horrible. I'd cut her off. Good luck

Shattereddreams Sun 07-Apr-13 13:24:25

Sounds like my sister. Who I don't see except Christmas and then I leave as soon as she hits the 2nd bottle of wine.

It's fine to ignore your family. Just do it quietly and without much fanfare. Avoid phone calls and get a new 'busy' hobby

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 07-Apr-13 13:35:54

Hi Appletarts,
Imho, detaching is the gold standard with someone like this, especially as she seems to want to make you invisible to your dc. My sister did the same, but a lot more subtly than yours.

There isn't enough in your post to say definitely Narcissist or not (not that anyone here could/would give a diagnosis, iyswim). Read up on it (and other personality disorders) as a bit of research does offer a framework, or at least a vocabulary, to understand the social dynamic that is being worked on you. Also, I can personally recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" which is about abusive men. It rang bells for my sister, who is a narc (some chapters didn't apply ie. sex dynamics). Your sister does sound abusive.

Perhaps a phrase might help you as it has helped me. Two different counselors told me: "It is not mentally healthy for me to be around my sister." Make boundaries and keep to them.

OhLori Sun 07-Apr-13 17:06:08

As Shattereddreams (what a fascinating name) says*It's fine to ignore your family. Just do it quietly and without much fanfare* - this sounds like a great strategy. And agree, it can be liberating OP. It sounds like your sister's done some truly awful stuff and you are right to keep your distance/preserve your integrity. Sounds like you're not being so eager to avoid conflict/keep the peace, and getting more independence and strength smile.

My observations on difficult or horrendous people: my rule of thumb these days is to (1) ignore and walk away, (2) stay put (sometimes there is little choice) but totally minimise engagement i.e. ignore, don't respond, change the subject or (3) fully engage in the conflict. Its different depending on the circumstances. (3) is rare but I've done it when it felt right.

Shattereddreams Sun 07-Apr-13 21:14:51

Ohlori I like your 1,2,3 strategy too, it's rather familiar. Took me years to work out 3 is never a good idea. But I'm not very good at 1 hence I don't see her.

(Johnny hates jazz btw)

cerealqueen Sun 07-Apr-13 21:21:44

What is it with sisters? I have issues with mine and am always drawn to sister issues.

The part where she would not respond to calls when you wanted to see how your daughter was would be enough for me. She sounds horrendous.

I think you are doing the right thing, she is a dementor and seems intent in sucking the joy out of life for you. Don't let her.

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