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Previously uninterested father of baby 'wants to talk'(316 Posts)
I had a very casual relationship for a few months at the end of last year. He was sleeping with other women and I didn't want a relationship with him, so I ended it. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. My immediate decision was that I wanted to keep the baby.
I told him this and his initial instinct was to say that he didn't want another child (he already has a daughter) and to accuse me of planning the pregnancy (I didn't). This didn't bother me as I didn't really expect full support.
However, he then escalated to barraging me with text messages trying to emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion with all sorts of rubbish. I refused to give into the pressure.
He then threatened to move away and change his name so that I could not force him to pay child maintenance. I gave him a chance to reflect and sent him a single message after the 12 week scan asking if he would accept some financial responsibility or if I should involve the CSA. There was no answer.
I accepted that he would not be a part of the baby's life and instead began to sort out my finances and future childcare so that I was prepared for when the baby comes.
He has now messaged me over a month later to ask for a meeting to discuss the baby. I have agreed but do not trust him. In my mind, he would have no contact with the baby and I was fine with that. I have agreed to meet because 1. He IS the father, regardless of whether I like him or not 2. It will be easier to have him willingly support his child than to involve the CSA.
I have been polite to him and answered some questions, but I am confused with some of what he has said. He asked for a picture of the pregnancy, so I sent him a copy of the scan pic. He then texted back to say no, he meant a picture of me pregnant (?!).
I said that I wasn't sure when I would be available to meet as I planned to move next week. He asked where and why, and I told him that I needed more space now that I was having a baby (I currently live in a one bed flat). He wanted to know who with and I told him it would just be me and baby. Next message asks if I have a boyfriend. I ignore this, so he asks again. I ask why it's relevant and he says that it is to him.
Now he is messaging me as if things were like they were back when we dated, asking me what I'm reading, that he has done this... Etc. I am soooo confused as to what on earth he is playing at considering his earlier behaviour. I am also suspicious as to why he has had a change of heart about the baby.
I know this is selfish, but I really was happy at the thought of being a single mum as I meant I wouldn't have to deal with him and would have the baby all to myself. I don't want him in the baby's life (even though he has a right to be involved) as he is a terrible role model- a serial womaniser who casually uses drugs and who publicly holds some very controversial views, not to mention his earlier behaviour.
I guess my question is (and thank you if you have actually read this far!), what do you think his motivations might be (I cannot work them out) and what should I say when I meet him?
And of course, you do know that your child will ask about his/her father at some point? What will you say?
If he knows the child is his he will be able to pursue contact regardless of whether the OP accepts maintenance.
The only way to keep him out of the child's life was not to tell him about the pregnancy.
And that ship has sailed.
omg! That tells you everything you need to know doesn't it?
If you later do have a paternity test, make it clear that you have no doubts. Don't collude with the idea that there is doubt per se. You are in no doubt.
I'm sure if you were going to be nicking sperm you would have chosen a better specimen than him
Of course I will grant him access if he wants it, but I will insist that it is supervised unless he provides proof that he is drug free. I'm not an idiot: I know that he is entitled to access by law.
I plan on telling the child that not all people have a mum and a dad (true) when he/she is younger, and when they are mature enough to deal with it I will tell him/her the truth: I didn't plan to get pregnant, but it didn't matter to me because I love you with all my heart. Your father wasn't interested and I didn't let that stop me from bringing you up. I think that's fairly reasonable. Of course there's plenty of time to refine it as the baby isn't even here yet!
I think that tells you that it was wise to not meet with him.
He would possibly have been very nasty indeed.
AThingInYourLife I'm ashamed to admit that I just used your line as my response
Well what's done is done, but try to keep your distance from him from now on.
He's not a very nice man and you have an important connection to him.
Stay distant and business-like and have as little to do with him as is humanly possible.
Sperm thief?! If he didnt want to give it away he should have covered up!
What a twat! He can think what he likes, a DNA test will prove it.
Can you even name him on the birth certificate without him being there, or his permission?
Sounds like you are better off without his input into yours and the child's life OP
He gave his sperm away too easily I reckon, for a man who is so resistant to fatherhood.
I was in a not dissimilar situation too (completely different now in my case)...
Basically you can't put him on the birth certificate without his actually being there.
Money-wise, you can claim support from him regardless of whether he is on the birth cert. if he contests paternity the CSA will fund a paternity test but if he is found to be the father he will have to repay them for it!
All of this is done anonymously I.e they not tell him where you are, and you all go to your own GPs for the spit test.
All things considered I would cut contact at this point completely. When your baby is born you can think about how you want to proceed.
Sadly, in terms of what to tell your child about their dad, you can tell the truth. That he didn't want I be a daddy (or something like that).
No, you can't name him on the birth certificate in his absence but then why would you want to?!
Good for you Arcane - and congratulations!
And as for what to tell your child, you'll figure it out as you go along. My three-year-old calls my partner Daddy, which is enough for now, and while we know that at some point we'll have to explain why she has about a dozen grandparents, there's no point stressing (or letting other people stress you) out about it until it happens.
If you take his child maintenance money, then he will be entitled to contact with the child. Which is only fair, in my opinion.
Wrong. Utterly Wrong.
A child is entitled to an ongoing relationship with their parents, when it is in the best interests of the child (so not abusive etc). Paying child support does not "buy" access to a child, in the same way that not paying it doesnt mean you can withdraw access. Money and access are totally seperate, a court will not take into account whether the absent parent is paying up when deciding on access. The only time there is a slight crossover is if the child spends over nights with the absent parent, in which case there will be a slight reduction in maintenance, but thats all.
Guy sounds like a complete and utter dipshit.
You can't name them on the birth certificate without them present if you're not married but you can have it changed later, its a form you sign with a justice of the peace. The form is then sent off and BC is changed.
My 'dad' did similar to this telling my mum to get rid of me etc etc. He wasn't on certificate as my mum didnt know you both had to go and had left it too late. Form was never sent off so still listed as an unknown and in a way I'm glad as he's never been around much and you can't miss what you don't have.
Thanks again for all the responses. I have made the decision not to contact him myself and to get in contact with the CSA once the baby is born.
His last text was to tell me that he is moving to Libya and would have told me this when we met. I haven't responded because
I'm tempted to say good riddance there really is no point engaging with him.
Oh god. That's pathetic, isn't it? Moving to libya. bollocks is he!
I'm probably being devil's advocate here but is it possible that he has had time to calm down and come to terms with the unwanted pregnancy and is now thinking he may want to be involved and even give your relationship a try for the baby?
Aside from that, I know that it's hurtful that he wanted an abortion and pressurised you but I think you should try to maintain friendly relations as he may have something to offer your child as a father/male role model/extra caregiver/babysitter etc. Also, strained relations never make anyone's life happier or easier. Enjoy your pregnancy, a lovely baby is on the way! x
Oops missed the last bit. Ok, so sounds like he won't be around a lot and you are unlikely to be able to force any money out of him. I think friendly, relaxed relationship with him is still the best way to go, as hard as it may be.
I will get flamed for this, but -
You have sex with each other with/without contraception, who knows. You are pregnant, he makes it clear from the beginning he is totally against it. You decide to proceed with the pregnancy, he has no choice though he has made it clear to you it is not what he wants.
Now you are going to go through the CSA and get maintenance from him for the next 18 odd years.
This happens all too often and even if he is a dick, I feel for him. It IS a kind of theft in a way.
Have some pride and bring up the child you wanted without going through the CSA. You said yourself you can afford it. I can see why he is angry enough to resort to calling you 'sperm thief'.
She didn't steal the sperm, that would have been rape. The sperm was a gift freely given.
With which she is now able to claim money from him monthly for the next 18 years.
I do wonder at the attitude that every man everywhere, every time he has sex, is at risk of being financially liable for 18 years if the woman falls pregnant and decides to continue the pregnancy against his wishes. Surely some sort of moral boundary must come in at some point from the woman. I think so in this case.
* '...against his wishes, and he must be an arse hole if he gets angry about it.'
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