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Need advice please

(13 Posts)
TooMuchJD Sun 07-Apr-13 00:16:40

Have posted before about my shite relationship. Should have been all over in Feb when I posted last but has limped on and I seriously regret this now.

Long story short had 2 months of relative calm, false sense of maybe this time things have finally clicked (is it optimism or delusion, I'm not sure anymore) had bust up yesterday as I "made" him come home from the pub by offering him a lift home after I had been the supermarket, continued into today, culminated in him getting pissed up, coming home, being abusive to me in front of the DC, getting into a tit for tat about having the light on (FFS!!) him shoving me in the face & me finally losing it and belting him one back (really not proud of this). I backed down feeling very ashamed, he wouldn't give up and carried on with the verbal abuse through more whiskey before going to bed.

Marriage is over. Feel sad but sense of relief too. Mentally I feel battered. He says he won't move out, its easier for me and the kids to get rehoused than a single man. Tenancy is in joint names, all bills inc. debts foolishly in my name only. Financially he is the main earner, I work part time. Know nothing about what to expect with regards to child maintenance (how much to expect etc). Anticipating that he will be totally unreasonable and demanding about everything and no legal aid now to help if I need legal advice (cheers Mr Cameron et al). Have inc link below with some back history if needed. Don't know what to do next sad

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1674516-Confused-I-am-the-abuser-or-the-abused

Finola1step Sun 07-Apr-13 00:43:10

Oh Toomuch. I do remember your last thread. First things first. Are you safe? Do you have, to hand, a phone that you could call 999 if need be?

Focus on getting through tonight. Do not believe his bullshit about you and the children leaving to be rehoused.

Talk to Women's Aid, Citizens advice but right now your priority is your safety and the children's safety. Keep posting.

TooMuchJD Sun 07-Apr-13 00:49:52

Have phone here & parents live nearby if absolutely necessary. Felt shocked and saddened last time, feel angry this time, just want to punch his stupid face. He's sleeping off the alcohol so won't emerge until tomorrow morning when he'll moan that the LO's are being too noisy. Has been on the cards for ages, should of fucked him off when he cheated on me when DS2 was still breastfeeding!!!
Feel such a bloody muppet for thinking it would ever be any different sad

deliasmithy Sun 07-Apr-13 00:54:08

I dont have advice to offer on the mid to long term, toomuch, but in thinking about how volatile the situation has become is it safe for you all to be in the same house at the mo? Im worried about it escalating further tomorrow.

Keep safe.

TooMuchJD Sun 07-Apr-13 01:07:33

Thanks delia, it does worry me a bit too. Now the decision has been made I feel a bit empowered that I won't tolerate the crap anymore, I've either backed down or carried on as normal in tha past. If I feel things are getting aggressive tomorrow (he does the muttered solioquy, a background running commentry of the awful things i have done to him, how he hates me, how I should go back to my c**t ExH, on & on & on, sometimes bordering on farsical & I actually laugh at them) I will get out the way with the LO's. Feel like dumping all his stuff at his mothers and changing the locks, he can lodge with them or one of his fuckwit mates instead.

Finola1step Sun 07-Apr-13 01:08:26

Try to get some sleep, it might not be a bad idea to sleep in with the dc tonight and certainly not in the same bed as him.

Tell people in rl ASAP, especially your parents. Keep posting. There will be lots of wise mumsnetters who will be able to give you the full load down on the practicalities. Look after yourself.

cheapskatemum Sun 07-Apr-13 07:13:17

Dumping all his stuff at his Mum's & changing locks sounds like a plan to me. Don't suppose you could effect the latter part on a Sunday, but maybe when he goes to work on Monday?

Why should he get to stay in the house, inconveniencing you & DCs to leave?

TooMuchJD Sun 07-Apr-13 09:23:18

Woken up to the silent treatment, as expected. He probably thinks it will all be glossed over. Planning to take the kids out swimming later to get out of the way for a while & think.

swallowedAfly Sun 07-Apr-13 09:29:06

is it a council or HA property you're renting? if so get on the phone to them and ask what you can do. explain that your husband has become physically abusive but is refusing to move out because he says you and the children will get rehomed easier. ask them what they can do for you and what their policy on domestic violence is. i'm fairly sure they'll have a policy that allows them to remove someone from a tenancy agreement who is engaged in domestic violence.

also call the police and get their advice on what you can do. explain he is coming home drunk and abusive and physically violent, admit that he pushed you so far last night you hit back at him and scared yourself and that you are scared of things further escalating. explain the fact he won't move out and ask what support/help they can offer.

talk to people, ask for help anywhere and everywhere. don't tackle this alone.

swallowedAfly Sun 07-Apr-13 09:32:22

this is a link to what shelter has to say and is the situation as is in england here

deliasmithy Sun 07-Apr-13 20:27:08

How are you doing, toomuch?

TooMuchJD Mon 08-Apr-13 16:07:39

Sorry not posted, took the kids away for the day yesterday and had hospital appointment with DS2 this morning.

DH has been very apologetic again, he didn't mean any of the horrible things he said, hadn't meant to hurt me, was just really upset by my shit attitude towards him, he doesn't feel loved or that I want him, he never engages because he never knows if hes wanted or just the money provider (he only pays half to the houshold, I pay the other half, not like he's wholely supporting us). Same excuses as always, never changes his reaction to the supposed slights or attitude I've given him. His answer is to get drunk & come home in a shitter.

Thank you for the link, I have emailed the HA with regard to the legalities of having his name removed from the tenanacy. He hasn't been here much since Saturday and has made a lot of effort to be amiable but from the EA stuff and experience I know that this is a common trait to make me think that things are all ok.

Not going happen this time.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 08-Apr-13 16:50:06

You sound very strong and you seem to know what you want this time!
Make sure you stay strong and good luck!!!

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