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How to split up

(19 Posts)
SonShines Sat 06-Apr-13 21:17:25

I think maybe I should be putting some thought into this/making a plan.

We are married, have 3 DC... 8, 3 and 2.

He's saying he will kill me if I take the kids. Obviously he doesn't mean it but he's saying he's not moving out and I'm not going with the kids. He works, I don't, so I have not a bean to my name. The house is rented. Car is in my name, but borrowed money in both our names. He has his own car.

SonShines Sat 06-Apr-13 21:31:13


Feel like I need to get the (mental) ball rolling tonight. Everything always seems better in the morning and we'll carry on and go round another viscous circle.

Something about doing the same thing over and expecting a different result springs to mind. I need to do something different.

TheAccidentalEgghibitionist Sat 06-Apr-13 21:32:47

Ring woman's aid, they will be able to advise and help.
Good luck OP, sounds as though you need to get out of this relationship if he's threatening you.

SonShines Sat 06-Apr-13 21:35:46

I'd feel really 'dramatic' doing that, I think. I just need to get some steps straight in my head, I think.

SonShines Sat 06-Apr-13 21:36:46

One to many 'I thinks' in there! blush

TheAccidentalEgghibitionist Sat 06-Apr-13 21:53:07

It's not dramatic, it's practical advice for women in your situation. You need some perspective. Any man who threatens to kill their partner is dangerous. You need support and professional advice.

Lueji Sat 06-Apr-13 22:05:12

I did leave.
You need too.

Who knows how serious he is???

Anyway, I did go to the police, have reported every single threat he has made.
So far, I'm free from him and the one with DS. And he has Skype, basically.

Check with WA and don't let him be aware of any plans of yours. Keep it close to your chest.
Then just leave.

UnrequitedSkink Sat 06-Apr-13 22:12:58

What has caused the breakdown in your relationship? Is it one sided and does he not think there's a problem?

UnnamedFemaleProtagonist Sat 06-Apr-13 22:18:07

I'm in a similar boat to you but our house is mortgaged in joint names which I think makes it more difficult. We can't afford to live now, so to afford a second property to rent is impossible.
I feel your pain x

Anniegetyourgun Sat 06-Apr-13 22:40:37

What has caused the breakdown in your relationship?

When it gets to one party making death threats towards the other, I'd say it was past time to worry about what went wrong in the first place. It's certainly not fixable now. hmm

SonShines Sun 07-Apr-13 09:37:18

I would say it's because of his moods, the fact that I get anxious when he is coming home if he is in a bad mood, he talks to me like shit and I feel blackmailed into having sex with him (if we don't or ends up in an argument, usually calling me names etc)

He would say because I'm cold, un-loving and our sex life is shit.

TheAccidentalEgghibitionist Sun 07-Apr-13 09:53:06

This sounds dreadful, what a horribly abusive man. You and your children deserve so much better. Regardless of finances, I suspect you will all be happier away from him.

Womans Aid will be able to give you lots of practical advice too, as well as emotional support.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Apr-13 10:00:38

I know you're trying to downplay it but you're describing an abusive relationship, sadly. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and what sounds like financial abuse just for starters. It means you'll need to take special care in getting out in order to remain safe even though you say he doesn't mean any of these threats. That's where Womens Aid can be very good with specific practical advice for your situation. The most important things to plan tend to be accommodation and money.

SonShines Sun 07-Apr-13 10:26:13

I'd feel like a fraud ringing WA though... I don't feel that I'm in abusive relationship.

He would disagree with the points that I've made.

Our problems do tend to stem from sex, I think. I'm tired, can't be bothered and he wants it every day. I need to feel loved to have sex, he needs sex to feel loved.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Apr-13 10:35:59

Coercing a partner into sex against their wishes by getting aggressive, arguing and using insults is sexually abusive behaviour. Being in bad moods and talking to a partner 'like they're shit' is emotional abuse. You really don't have to have a black eye to seek assistance from Womens Aid and you probably won't be told to go to a refuge. However, given this threat to 'kill' (whether he's serious or not) they can give you some practical pointers on how best to end the relationship safely. It's not being dramatic, it's being realistic.

If you don't like that idea, you can always seek practical advice from a solicitor specialising in family law (some offer a free initial consultation) and CAB can be very good.

Pannacotta2013 Sun 07-Apr-13 10:40:09

How about you ring Women's Aid, and ask them if they think you are suitable for some support from them? They are the experts. If they think you aren't suitable for their help, they'll gently redirect you to a more appropriate service. But I'd say you aren't in the best position to make that decision. Good luck.

rhondajean Sun 07-Apr-13 10:42:45

He has threatened your life - please please take that seriously you have no way of knowing how serious he is and otherness have followed through on these threats.

I have no experience of this situation so other posters may correct me but I should think you need to alert the police, I believe you can call 101 and report but ask them to take no action except have it on file, then when you leave let them know so they are aware if a potential risk.

The problem isn't sex btw, it's control,he has taken all the power and THAT is what abuse is. You shouldn't be sat terrified iof him coming home. It's not right and it's not normal.

sad for you, be strong, life can be so much better.

SonShines Sun 07-Apr-13 22:29:44

I'm just after little first steps really, I think. There's still a chance things will work out, but I want to start making way for options, should I need them.

Is there any hope for an abusive relationship to work out, do you think?

WafflyVersatile Mon 08-Apr-13 02:36:33

Practically none, and not at all if you can't agree on what the problem is.

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