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"What do I do with this new info?" please could someone help me work out these reactions?

(26 Posts)
whatafuckingmess Sat 06-Apr-13 18:50:36

I have a thread here about the notes I found on my mums calendar about me, but I spoke to her tonight about it, and would really love some help with how I should be feeling and what it all means.

We were driving home from somewhere and I said that I knew what she had written about me in her phone. She knew what I meant immediately, and started shouting saying I had no right to read her private thoughts.

I agreed, and said that she was right, I had been out of order, but that now I knew how she felt about me and DS. She said that I had no idea how hard it was to parent a difficult child (meaning me) and that sometimes I was horrible. She said, she supposed I was now going to tell my best friend and therapist about this and then said "oh well done, now you have another weapon to use against me"

I basically kept quiet, other than my initial statement saying I knew, and that her reaction was interesting I said nothing..... and now I'm sat here feeling really detached but sad.

I don't really know what to make of this, she didn't deny how she felt - she said it was my fault because of the way I am. There is no coming back from this is there?

Sorry if this is all disjointed, I'm feeling a bit disjointed inside!

BalloonSlayer Sat 06-Apr-13 19:17:58

Well it's hard to imagine her being anything other than defensive when confronted. Most people would be, I think. If it was anyone else I'd say "Oh when she's got over the shock of being confronted she'll apologise," but given what you say about your Mum, I don't think she will.

It sounds like you handled it very well.

There are a lot of things you could have said but you didn't.

I agree it is interesting she said: she supposed I was now going to tell my best friend and therapist about this and then said "oh well done, now you have another weapon to use against me" That shows she knows the therapist is on to her.

Not much advice really, but sympathy and just count the days till you are in your own home.

PS I do wonder whether she knew you would find what she'd written - what a weird place to put things like that!

whatafuckingmess Sat 06-Apr-13 19:31:27

I honestly can't think of a single occasion she has apologised to me, so I think you are right that that is unlikely!

Earlier this week I came downstairs and found her fosterkids helping my niece and nephew get dressed (they are 4 and 5) my mum was upstairs, so they were unsupervised and my heart just lurched. When I spoke to her about this, she told me I was overreacting and she had only been gone a moment, but I had been down there at least 5 before she appeared. I know I am paranoid, but it feels like she is almost being deliberately lax to make me say something and force the issue.

I think I feel sad because her reaction was in my heart, what I expected and dreaded all at once. Increasingly I am wondering how I can have any sort of relationship with her, and that's not what I want - but I'm sick of being the bad guy. My son needs me to be more than that, I would hate for him to ever pick up on this.

sillymillyb Sat 06-Apr-13 21:24:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOF Sat 06-Apr-13 21:26:36

Namechange fail? Perhaps you should report your post?

sillymillyb Sat 06-Apr-13 21:28:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Sat 06-Apr-13 22:27:22

There isn't a soul on earth that wouldn't have read on once they realised what it was that they were reading.

You've not done a thing wrong, she has. she's angry cos you caught her.

You need to tell the parents of the DNs, the foster dc she has have sexual abuse issues don't they?

You know where you are with your mother, you don't know why, and wil probably never know, but that is sadly how it goes.

You do need to get yourself and your DS out. ASAP. The cat is out of the bag now, if she has a motive/objective it may get stepped up, and you need to protect yourself.

whatafuckingmess Sun 07-Apr-13 14:05:55

My brother and SIl let their kids get dressed in front of the foster kids (though they are always there) I think they think I am being over cautious. Maybe I am, I think what has happened to me has probably made me jumpy, but there is just something that feels so wrong about it.

I have tried to bring the move date forward but it is still 3 weeks away. I am scared of moving out and losing her, even though I know what ever relationship we have is utterly crap anyway. I just feel so alone, because without her, I have no family really.

She genuinely thinks I am horrible, and that what she is written about me is true. Because she also thinks I am deluded, no matter what I say to defend myself (I haven't actually tried to yet) she will think that she is right and I am wrong. I just can't get my head around it!

In terms of my son, how do I protect him from this? Do I let them have a relationship and just monitor it closely? Do I cut us both off completely? I'm not sure I can do that, or even that I should.

whatafuckingmess Sun 07-Apr-13 20:02:55

I really hate to bump in case you all think I am attention seeking, but I could really do with some advice on this - in terms of how I proceed now would you let my mum have a relationship with my son? How do I supervise that given that I'm now feeling that I can't really have a relationship with her direct?

Has anyone been in this position?

I'm so sorry to ask for more help, I'm just on totally new territory and I haven't a clue what I'm doing.

Thank you flowers

MatchsticksForMyEyes Sun 07-Apr-13 20:07:51

I think I would cut all ties to be honest. Including her relationship with your son. She is bringing nothing but misery to your life, will prevent you from rebuilding your self esteem and I also would not be giving her the opportunity to project her opinions of you onto your DS.

conantg Sun 07-Apr-13 20:07:58

I have no experience that might help you, just de-lurking to say how sorry I am that your mother has treated you so badly. I am offering you hugs ((())). Maybe the Stately Homes thread people could help you?

whatafuckingmess Sun 07-Apr-13 20:14:08

Thank you both for replying - I so appreciate it!

If I'm honest, having no contact at all is what I am leaning towards, but then I feel incredibly guilty as my son has so little family to start with. I don't know on what terms it could work where I wasn't involved though but they maintained a relationship, and I don't trust what she would say to him about me.

It's so hard, I wish there was a guide book! When I looked at the Stately home thread before, it terrified me, because what I am only beginning to suspect was happening was actually a glaring cliche. I'm not sure I'm ready to venture back there yet, it is too real, if that makes sense?

Thank you again - I am feeling lost, and like I am over reacting, and yet am all detached all at once. It's just weird. Your reactions all make more sense to me than what I'm actually feeling!

conantg Sun 07-Apr-13 20:24:00

That weird sense of detachment is because you are in shock. And you are not over reacting. Her behaviour is very wrong.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Sun 07-Apr-13 20:27:41

You are all the family your DS needs. He certainly does not need a toxic influence like her over him. His 'family' needn't be blood relatives. Surround yourself with good friends. People who will boost you, raise your spirits and not bring you down.

whatafuckingmess Sun 07-Apr-13 20:38:59

I go from thinking that she is wrong, to still wondering if I have just really mis-read things and I am messing up spectacularly and just don't realise. I'm terrified of moving out, I can't believe how crap my confidence is! I'm 32 and have always lived alone until now, albeit never with a 1 year old mind.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Sun 07-Apr-13 20:44:41

Your confidence is crap because the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally has totally betrayed your trust. You will be fine I promise. And you will feel 100x better when away from her.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 07-Apr-13 20:49:29

OP I remember your other thread/s and I really feel for you. My mum and I had a very stormy relationship and she had me doubting myself all the time too. It is so confusing, demoralising, head-spinning, you don't know what to believe or which way is up...

Hang in there for the three weeks. Maybe you should thinking about cutting or limiting contact after you move and see how it makes you feel.

whatafuckingmess Sun 07-Apr-13 20:57:38

I think you have described exactly how I'm feeling hearts just, that really.

I think what is scaring me at the moment too is that she will not want any contact with me once I have moved either, and that she will reject me even though I am backing away. I guess I just want her to want me!

WafflyVersatile Sun 07-Apr-13 21:10:41

You can't make her want you. sad

Better for your son to have no granny than one who will be detrimental.

Have you ever reported what happened to you or your ongoing concerns about your mum's fostering?

I'm with the cut contact. If she asks tell her honestly why and under what circs you would recommence a relationship.

whatafuckingmess Sun 07-Apr-13 21:18:28

What happened to me was never reported to ss - the police were informed about it though (when we were both adults) and I said I would be willing to be contacted if anyone else came forward but that I didn't want to take any action against him on my own. I know its silly, but I don't know if anyone would even believe me, it's my word against his really, and I can't bare that being questioned, it just feels horrible.

As for reporting my mum at the moment, what would I say? My brother obviously has no concerns about his kids being naked around the foster kids, and it's bad practice but would any one be interested in that if even the parents aren't bothered? It feels like I am the only person it bothers to be honest, which is why I wonder if I am over reacting!

CheckpointCharlie Sun 07-Apr-13 21:24:25

Hello! I think that when you move out it might kind of fall into place by itself. You will be in control of when and how often you see her.

If I were you I would keep the first two or three weeks to myself and my DS, just to get yourself sorted and to let your feelings settle away from the stress and adrenaline that is dominating your thinking at the moment.

You really won't need her, and nor will your son but it will be your choice as to whether you want to see her.

This decision isn't one that you can take at the moment I don't think as there is so much going in that house. Take your time it after you move in and see how you go.
Well dne for being brave and asking her about it by the way x

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 07-Apr-13 21:33:52

I know, it's awful. You just have to trust your own version of reality, your own opinions, versions of events. It's so hard.

Twenty years later, after lots of help from my strong DH, some counselling and some growing up, we now actually have a good relationship. I wish the same for you OP.

Bessie123 Sun 07-Apr-13 22:49:13

OP so sorry you're going through this.

Fwiw I think social services would DEFINITELY want to know about young children being left alone with the foster kids. It doesn't matter what your db and sil think about it, the risk assessment said they were not to be left alone. If your mum can't comply with that, she should not be fostering these people. Remember, ss has a duty of care to the foster kids as well and it is not in their interests to be left alone in a situation that is unsafe. SS will need to know if the foster kids are at risk.

Bessie123 Sun 07-Apr-13 22:51:28

I also think you will be better off without your mum, at least for a few months until you start to feel more like yourself again. Make sure you keep friends around you.

cjel Sun 07-Apr-13 23:02:21

Still here . Its not long till you are on your own now and that is a GOOD thing. I think ss would want to know about the childrens situation as well as Bessie said. Remember how lovely stable and happy your new life is going to bexx

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