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where do we go from here?

(14 Posts)
evenafterallthistime Sat 06-Apr-13 16:00:41

Have name changed.
Ok, here goes. Dh and I got married 8 months ago and promptly separated 3 months later. He has moved back to his parents and been there for the last 5 months. We have been seeing each other once or twice a week for the past 3 months, trying to work things out, although we have been avoiding having any conversations about us. As a result of not really talking about things I have no idea what he wants, although when we spend timettimetogether it seems like we both want to make things better. We speak on the phone every day and text a few times and things have been going well.

However, I am now fed upnof this situation. I think we need to decide whether we are going to make a go of things or not and stop dancing around. He seems perfectly happy to carry on as we are though. I thinking is his dream scenario actually, as I am still in the picture, but he doesn't have to deal with the day to day realities of married life and can basically do what he wants when he wants living with his mum and dad. Their house is much closer to his work, can see friends whenever he wants etc.

I have to admit that that side of things is a real plus to me too, I do quite enjoy lots of aspects of living alone. But at the same time, we are married and I love and miss him greatly. Also, I haven't even told my parents he has moved out yet, they will be besides themselves. I really as hoping I never have to!

Our wedding day was amazing and he was the most smitten groom anyone has ever seseen, I can't believe it fell apart so quickly after that. He moved out over nothing and at the time I think we both thought it was going to be for one night and he would be back home. Stubbornness on both parts and hectic work schedules have meant that it has been dragged on for this long.

The problems is I think we may have ruined everything for good. How are we ever going to recover fromvthis ridiculous situation? How much longer do we play this game until we give up. I want to make it work but that takes two people and I'm not sure he can be bothered.

Thrown in to the mix is a relationship with a work college that he has developed that I am not entirely happy about. I don't know if anything is going on. She is married, has a one year-old and I have been told in lots of details that she is trying for another baby with her husband and buying a new house, etc. But Dh knows ridiculous amounts of information about her, they musttalk about everything. He even knowsbwhen she is ovulating for Christ's sake!!!! He sees her regularly outside of work, even when he says he is too busy to see I just jealous orbits something going on? When we met for lunch last week he mentioned her name 11 times! Seriously, I counted!

I don't know what to do now. We had an argument via text yesterday about how inappropriate I thinkbtheir relationship is and now I feel like we have taken massive steps backwards inbthe progress we were makingbtongetting back on track.

Why advice or just slap some sense in to me. Be brutal, I can take it....well, probably not but I need to hear it!

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:03:37

You had a "wedding day" but not a marriage, didn't you ?

What are the rules re. dissolving the legal aspects of a "marriage" that is so short ? I would look into that, and get on with it.

evenafterallthistime Sat 06-Apr-13 16:04:13

Ridiculous typing errors. I'm not drunk, I promise. I'm on the ipad an haven't quite got the hang of it!

MorrisZapp Sat 06-Apr-13 16:08:44

How long had you been living together before marriage? How old are you both? Have either of you had a long term relationship before?

Freddiemisagreatshag Sat 06-Apr-13 16:10:01

You can't, IIRC, get divorced until you've been married for a year.

evenafterallthistime Sat 06-Apr-13 16:13:08

Together 10 years, lived together for 4, both 30. We have both had relationships that lasted a couple of years but neither had lived with anyone else,. The ironic thing is thatt i thought we had taken everything very slowly and sensibly.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:13:45

Ah, I knew it was something like that

OP, what I suggest you do then is let him get on with his emotional affair with his colleague, while you get on with the rest of your life

This has been a huge mistake, so put it behind you and move on

Next time you get married, please make sure both of you are on the same page as to what "marriage" actually means

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Apr-13 16:18:23

"Stubbornness on both parts and hectic work schedules have meant that it has been dragged on for this long"

I'm with AF. This man's interest is elsewhere. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd be with you and no work schedule would get in the way of that. Sorry you've been let down so comprehensively but seize the initiative, see the solicitor and get shot of this half-hearted husband.

izzyizin Sat 06-Apr-13 16:33:58

You can file for divorce sometime in July. In the meantime I would suggest you have absolutely no contact with your non-resident h other than that which may be necessary to take care of bills/mortgage/council tax payments etc.

evenafterallthistime Sat 06-Apr-13 16:34:41

I know this is what I should do. I guess it helps to hear it from other people.

I was half hoping someone would say 'here is a magic formula. Do this and live happily ever after'. The real world sure is crappy.

Have to wait out the next 4 months before can start divorce proceedings.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:37:25

So sorry, love

GilmoursPillow Sun 07-Apr-13 14:29:09

Do you know for a fact she' trying for another baby and moving house? If not, I think I'd see this as a smokescreen - there couldn't POSSIBLY be anything untoward going because she's trying for another baby and....

I hope you're ok OP.

Leavenheath Sun 07-Apr-13 14:50:23

It's more likely he was having a proper affair and that's why he left. I wouldn't believe it was just emotional and have never known a man to leave when he hasn't had sex with the OW.

The reason this has dragged on is that he's road testing the other relationship and wants you as back-up.

Sorry. That must be shit to face but it's my honest opinion. Best to end it and take away his safety blanket.

welcometomysillylife Sun 07-Apr-13 16:03:07

There is no way he would leave and not come back without another woman on the scene. And you know there is one and who she is! It must be awful for you.

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