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if your dh was in a cult how long woulld you "wait" for him ???

(28 Posts)
catfourfeet Sat 06-Apr-13 14:26:03

bit of background ..

My dh has had mh problems for nearly 3 years. 4 dcs. married for 20 years.

Manifested as mood swings, selfishness, severe short term mem*ory loss.

He has lived with his sister, my sil, for a year, he left us, couldn't cope with family life.

He rarely contacts the children, they only see him if I take them to him ( round trip 7 hours)

He often said in regards to our life together " if I died tomorrow I would have no regrets" ad that I was his "soul mate". He was really hands on with the kids, a prefect dad.

NOW , our marriage was crap, I always made him feel stupid, things I said ( in passing) are now HUUUUUGE problems, our whole marriage was based on lies etc etc

His sil is lying to him, some I know about , some is just "obvious"

She has said "I will do everything I can to make sure he NEVER comes home"

She does NOTHING to make sure (give his very poor mem*ory) that he keeps in touch with the kids.

It is like hes in a cult, "he" has totally changed, he believes EVERYTHING his sister tells him.

sooooo, if you were in this ( mad) situation what would you do ???
how long would you "wait" for him ??

( there is every chance he will get better in time)

ps please only say mem*ory as mn is being watched by someone irl who knows my story. i've name changed a while ago.

SofiaAmes Sat 06-Apr-13 16:52:38

I don't think it's reasonable to blame all of this on the sister. Your dh needs to shoulder some of this. If he believes that you are keeping him from his children, then he should take legal action to get access to them if that's what he wants. I think more likely that he is simply not in a mental state to want to see them, or perhaps even realizes that he is too unstable to have contact with them. Either way, you need to move on, if not for you, for your children, so that they can get professional help and understand that this is not about them or you, but about their father's mental illness. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have seen a similar situation with someone close to me and unfortunately, mh doesn't generally get better if the person is not getting help/medication and even then, modern medicine hasn't quite conquered the mental health field. Please focus on your dc's and getting them the professional help they need.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:51

I understand that the medical problems he has makes this much more complicated than most situations, but if he has even moments of being lucid and is choosing not to be with you then that is his choice

If he recovered right now would you be able to get past the hurt and stress you've been through? Would he? Your dc? I don't think just waiting is an option even if there is a chance it might happen

When things go so drastically wrong it's natural to want to go back to when things were good, but you can never go back only forwards and experiences like this change people, would you be able to trust him again?

You must feel so betrayed and the unfairness of it must hurt so badly but I don't think it's something that can be fixed,and as hard as it may be your only realistic choice is probably to move on

deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 16:40:58

It sounds an awful situation because the sil is effectively trying to make you be the one to walk away. I'd feel like I was mourning the loss of someone.

Is he getting any treatment?

I think if I believed there was no way forward, I'd have to force myself to let go over time, as the emotional stress of staying in limbo indefinitely would get to me.

Itwasallfornothing Sat 06-Apr-13 15:55:31

Sorry, just seen your last message that no one has direct contact with him. Whose choice was that?

DontmindifIdo Sat 06-Apr-13 15:54:51

If she wasn't his sister, this would be a clear evil other woman situation - and quite frankly, she's acting like one. You wouldn't think twice about starting divorce proceedings then.

Divorce him, cut ties if he's really not interested in being a father to his children, he can keep saying he's your soul mate, but quite frankly, you can do better than a soul mate that doesn't believe you should get any support and your DCs deserve better than a dad who just doesn't bother with them because his sister says so. Sorry but having read all your various threads, it's time to call time on this - you and your DCs deserve better, they need to see that's is not how you should let a partner treat you. Hopefully you will be able to start again.

Are there any other 'father figures' in your DCs lives? Is your Dad still around or uncles or anyone else that will show them how men should treat woman?

Itwasallfornothing Sat 06-Apr-13 15:53:56

I feel so sad for you, I really do because until you make a definite decision then nothing is going to change and I know that that decision is a difficult one to make. Is there anyone besides SIL that is with him, influencing his choices and decisions? Do any of the children keep in touch with him via Skype, email, text etc? Do you have any one-on-one contact with him or is his sister always around? If its the latter then it must seem like a hopeless situation. Would mediation help? Is his mind so bad that he can't remember that you were once soul mates? If you genuinely want to be with this man and if you think that you could have a happy future together then I would keep going as much as you can. Let him know you and your children love him, push his sister out of the picture, invite him over for the weekend, send him love letters and cards from the kids. Hand deliver them if you need to. Give him a photo album of all your precious times together. Be nice to his sister in front of him (tell her to fuck off when he's not around, show her who's boss!). Most of all you need to decide what you really want! Will you be happier (in the long run) without him? Can you really cope with years of this torment? Will he get better and will he ever see that his sister has tried to divide you? If he doesn't see that his sister has been a prize one bitch then you may be in this situation at lot longer than first thought sad. Is it worth it? Shit! Why is family so bloody complicated and why are lots of them such fuck heads?!

catfourfeet Sat 06-Apr-13 15:20:36

ps no one has direct contact with him

catfourfeet Sat 06-Apr-13 15:19:35

*There must be some reason why "he believes her; not me, not the dc's, not our friends"...
Have you ever asked yourself what it is?*

he is very vunerable, very easily led, can be "talked" into things,

catfourfeet Sat 06-Apr-13 15:17:14

dontmind :

she is pure fucking evil, she can hate me , ok i'm an adult,

but to ( by her inaction) have dh not see / contact his kids, its just unforgivable.

but then he's so confused as to why he hasn't seen the kids.

Floggingmolly Sat 06-Apr-13 15:16:10

There must be some reason why "he believes her; not me, not the dc's, not our friends"...
Have you ever asked yourself what it is?

Viviennemary Sat 06-Apr-13 15:15:38

I'm sorry things have turned out so badly. If your DH is in this place emotionally or mentally I don't see that there is very much more you can do about it. I think that if you can the best thing would be to take a step back and let him do the travelling and the contacting. I think that some family members do get a bit of a power trip from this controlling behaviour and that might well be what your sil is enjoying now. I think it's shocking of them both.

Hissy Sat 06-Apr-13 15:14:05

I'm so sorry this nightmare is still going on for you cat.

I think you have done all you can, let her have him. Divorce him and get the finances sorted.

The sooner you do this, the sooner you will start to heal.

I hope SIL gets her comeuppance. I really do.

DontmindifIdo Sat 06-Apr-13 15:08:47

oh, and if you go down the divorce route, it'll be clear that he has to do at least one side of the travelling to see his DCs, at least that way you can make it clear to them (and him!) that you aren't keeping the DCs from him, he's chosing his sister over them.

And his sister is chosing enjoying having power over her DB over his relationship with his DCs. She's the lowest of the low. It can't be good for your DCs to be exposed to a woman like that anyway.

catfourfeet Sat 06-Apr-13 15:08:33


I don't have physical evidence, but the older dcs can back me up
he simply believes her and not me ,not the dcs, not our friends.

I do think it is an excuse for him , to get better he ( apparently) needs to "let go" and "wipe the slate clean"

DontmindifIdo Sat 06-Apr-13 15:06:35

You need to see a solicitor, see where you stand, I would make sure that your SIL has no way to control any assets you jointly have via your DH.

It looks like it's time to look at divorce. At least that way you can start again, make it clear to him that you won't tolerate this situation. He might get better and want you back over the next couple of years - but not seeing his sister again would have to be a condition of that. At least you take back control.

While your SIL has control of him and his finances, she has control of you too.

DorisIsWaiting Sat 06-Apr-13 14:58:36

I think sadly the man you married is gone.

You do need to grieve, are you having any counselling? I also remember your horrific story and you will need time to regroup.

I think if you turn your back on the family and protect your children the best you can.

Can you take the DC's to visit MIL (if that's appropriate?)

Itwasallfornothing Sat 06-Apr-13 14:58:00

I suppose it all depends on how long you are willing to wait for him. Will your SIL always have a big influence on his life? Do you have evidence of what his sister has said to you? That she will never let him come home? (Emails or text messages). If you do have evidence, would he look at it? If he looks at it will he take action? Does he actually want to come home, is this all an excuse for him? I wouldn't travel a 7 hour round trip for him to see his kids, they are his responsibility also, he needs to make an effort. I found this out the hard way. It took a good 6 months of holding my ground for my ex husband to realise that, after a good 6 years of me traveling for him to see his kids, that I couldn't do it any longer. I stood firm and eventually he realised that it wasn't my problem it was his and that i wouldnt do it anymore. He's still not very good in the parenting department but he also knows that I won't take his shit! Does he pay maintenance? When he is with the children does he have them alone (hopefully his sister isn't there), is he capable of looking after them given his MH problems? Does he have supervised access? It's an absolutely shitty situation to be in, I know that from experience (I also have a very manipulative SIL that we don't have anything to do with now) but you have to be strong and you also have to decide how long you are going to put up with this crap. Only you can decide but good luck, I wish you well.

catfourfeet Sat 06-Apr-13 14:46:36

imtoo :

sil is very much the "kingpin" in the family

mil has been in hospital for 2 weeks, heart poblems, shes 88,

the dcs have not been told, I found out by chance.

lunar1 Sat 06-Apr-13 14:45:04

I remember your posts, im so sorry it turned out this way. I think you need to walk away and make a life for you and your children. I really dont think you will get your husband back

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 06-Apr-13 14:41:17

The other thing to bear in mind is that this person may only be doing what they're doing because you so desperately want him back. That it's power over you that is their aim.

If you walk away, I have a funny feeling that they won't want him any more.

I think it's about you. Not him.

I may be wrong, it's just this thing that's been in the back of my mind more and more the more I read of your story.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Apr-13 14:40:40

I wouldn't waste my time.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 06-Apr-13 14:40:20

I've just reread your post, and that of the other people responding. On reflection, I agree that it might be time to rebuild your life. But that's easier to say than do, I can't imagine how you are feeling.

Are you able to access some RL support to talk this through? Perhaps counselling so that you can find a degree of peace?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 06-Apr-13 14:38:15

I wouldn't.

I remember all your threads.

I really wouldn't.

I do believe that you need to walk away. You can't help him now and you can't bring back the person you married and who loved you. Painful as it is, I think that for your own sanity, you have to let that person go. He doesn't exist any more.

catfourfeet Sat 06-Apr-13 14:35:35

"he" might come back , its bereavement but its not bereavement

tiredlady Sat 06-Apr-13 14:35:10

I would walk away.
Get on with your life, focus on your dc.
He may come to his senses or he may not.
You don't have to wait for him though.
SIL can have him. He sounds a bit crap I'm sorry

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