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Am I right to be annoyed by this?

(67 Posts)
Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 10:26:14

There is history here but I don't want to go into it all because I want to ask opinions on just this. Otherwise people will all just be saying he's a waste of space anyway.

Basically my p was really ill starting Monday with flu like symptoms, he was really, really bad, with fever, aching and even threw up. By Wednesday I'd caught it too and we've both been terrible. P seems to be over the worst now but today ds (4) has got up really ill, high temp and vomitted.

The reason I'm upset is the way p has acted. First he said he thinks he got ill because he hasn't had his hair cut and can't wash it properly, which I think is ridiculous because it's only regrowth from a normally number 1 cut. Then he said he thinks he's got ill from pulling the fridge out at the weekend as we cleaned behind it and it was all dusty. He's been having a go at me for taking paracetamol and ibruprofen saying that they're making me worse, even though I feel that they bring me fever down and relieve my headache.

Last night he really upset me, I went up to bed first and spilt some of my glass of water on the duvet as I was weak and shaky. The duvet was folded over and the water would have been directly on p when he came to bed, so I flipped the duvet over so that the water was on my side but on the top. P came up a bit later and started having a moan about why the quilt was the wrong way over and how he couldn't sleep like that, I told him why but he said we'd have to flip it back, turn it round and meaning I'd have the wet patch on my feet, I said I didn't want the cold wet patch on my feet and he was yelling saying I'd have to curl up and it was my fault for spilling the water and how he couldn't sleep as the top of the duvet cover was bobbly and irritating his skin.

Today he'd planned to get his hair cut and then do some work round his sisters new house, fitting some electrics which will take the whole day. I was fine with this but as ds has got up and is now really poorly too, I thought he should give the electrics a miss and give me a hand.

The house is like a bombs hit it because we've both been so ill all week. P made himself a dinner last night and there isn't a thing clean in the kitchen and he's just left it all.

I'm fed up of him, there's loads of diy jobs that need doing here but he spends half of his time doing jobs for his family instead.

I basically said as ds is now ill too and I still feel terrible couldn't he stay but he just went off on one said he's still ill too so what use will he be, and apparently it's my fault ds is ill for cuddling him.

I just really fucking hate him right now.

rubyslippers Sat 06-Apr-13 10:28:26

he sounds horrible

criticising you for spilling water and then he can't sleep because the duvet is the wrong way round


do you have any one that can come and help you today?

i cannot believe he has left you with an ill child and the house in a state

rubyslippers Sat 06-Apr-13 10:29:29

you should hate him right now because he sounds like a prick

as you say there is a back story but if his behaviour is generally like this then this is probably the last straw

Rainbowinthesky Sat 06-Apr-13 10:31:13

The trouble is the whole picture is what is useful. Knowing peoples' opinions on a snap shot isn't particularly helpful as this incidence may be perfectly okay in an otherwise very healthy relationship where both adults are respectful of each other and in a partnership. A one off doesn't make a crap relationship and obviously this isn't a one off.

DippyDoohDahDay Sat 06-Apr-13 10:31:55

He sounds really hard to live with, you must be constantly walking on egg shells! he is being ridiculous, how does he seriously rationalise the hair cut and cuddling ideas!

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 10:43:57

I really don't want to go into the back story, although I do appreciate is may be relevant.

But basically he is supposed to be changing, showing that he is actually part of a family. But one of the many things is leaving me in the lurch because he's made plans/can't be bothered, which has even involved me or ds being in hospital.

And yes he is impossible to live with at times because of his logic on things such as me having to sleep with a wet patch on my feet rather than flip the duvet, him thinking he's ill because he hasn't had a haircut, my hair is really long so however do I manage to keep it clean?

Leverette Sat 06-Apr-13 11:01:50

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deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 11:02:17

I dont know how you didn't just laugh at his statements as to how he thinks he got ill. Id be leaving some printed info of how viruses work on his bedside.

We cant really answer for you if this man is changing, only you can tell if there has been any improvement.

I dont think it an usual request to prioritise family above other commitments. I think in a healthy relationship immediate family comes ahead of other family.

LibertineLover Sat 06-Apr-13 11:06:52

How the hell do you put up with this idiot?

He's making a hard situation harder when he's supposed to be part of your team, he's a dick, but I think you know that already.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 06-Apr-13 11:07:45

Hmm... so he can make himself dinner, go out all day fixing someone else's electrics, but can't wash up or change the duvet. Sounds like a rather selective illness.

I like how you're not telling us all the rest of it because you know what everyone will say. Doesn't that suggest everyone would be, er, right? That he really is a waste of space? No need to answer that wink

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 11:17:42

Well he'd said he'd come back after haircut but has been gone 3 hours and now hasn't answered the phone so I guess he's stuck to plan a of doing his sisters house.

I do know what people would say about other, past stuff. But he promised me that things were going to change and wondered if others shared my thoughts that these aren't the actions of a changed man.

He really did piss me off this morning, he was lying in the bath, he;d been in there long enough to be washed and ds went to the toilet and vomitted, it went all down his face and pyjamas, I was rubbing ds back. I asked p to get out of the bath now so that I could quickly fill it up for ds to get in, but dp took a futher 5 minutes to get out the bath and told ds to sit on the floor by the toilet incase he was sick again. I felt as though he's the adult, he should have got straight out and helped me to sort ds who was clearly very poorly, sweaty in pyjamas and now in a mess.

He then didn't even hang around he just went straight out at just after 8.

maidmarian2012 Sat 06-Apr-13 11:24:36

Jeez is he always like this?

He sounds like a right fusspot, and very unsupportive.

I'm not surprised you hate him right now. angry sad

Anniegetyourgun Sat 06-Apr-13 11:27:11

But basically he is supposed to be changing, showing that he is actually part of a family

dp took a futher 5 minutes to get out the bath and told ds to sit on the floor by the toilet incase he was sick again

Mm... yeah.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 11:46:53

He's worse a lot of the time. About two months ago though we had it all out and he promised that he'd change, there have been some small improvements but it's things like this that to me are telling.

Another thing that happened recently that really pissed me off but I don't know if I'm being over sensitive.

My aunt passed away unexpectedly two weeks ago, she was quite young although she was having health problems but not to the point that we thought she would die. I hadn't seen her for a few years, purely because she often didn't want visitors and I didn't put the effort in to arrange to go round when she was up to it. But I loved her dearly as a child and we were very close. I've got a large family and I've taken it for granted that people will just always be there so this is a big regret for me now.

The day after she passed away I tried to show p who had never met her a few old photos, not a huge amount about 8 photos. I was saying she was really lovely and it's such ashame you didn't get to meet her, just sharing a few memories. He wasn't looking he was just staring straight past at the tv. I asked 'do you not want to look?' and he just snapped that he didn't even know her and it's just some woman to him.

This really angered me I ended up going for a sleep early evening. I had a dream that I was in the car with my aunt and we were going to the shops we always went to, I woke up all confused and dazed and tearful. P got really annoyed at this and yelled that he's lost people, people he actually sees and what was the point in upsetting myself.

Fairenuff Sat 06-Apr-13 11:58:57

Ok so basically he is horrible.

He has treated you badly in the past and has promised to change.

He hasn't changed. He is still horrible.

He always will be.

Your choices:

either live like this forever and complain about it every so often, or

tell him to leave.

Which of those choices do you want?

maidmarian2012 Sat 06-Apr-13 12:02:03

My God mousey thats awful. He could have at least looked at the photos and said something nice.

Does he actually even want to fit in with family life?

My eXp was similar, he just did not give a stuff.

What was the point of upsetting yourself?How hard faced.

You seem really nice OP and im sure you can do better, and deserve better. thanks

colditz Sat 06-Apr-13 12:02:15

You don't have to live like this and you don't have to inflict such an unhappy life on your son. You are choosing to.

I'm not saying it is easy to get rid of someone like this, but start planning x

maidmarian2012 Sat 06-Apr-13 12:06:25

colditz ^ second that.

You can live happily and peacefully with your children, without his constant miserable-ness.

I may be wrong but is he Narc?

duende Sat 06-Apr-13 12:09:54

Oh god. He sounds absolutely awful.
And yes, some of his statements and ideas do make him sound a bit unhinged. Bobbled duvet irritating his skin? Wtf?
How and why do you out up with him? I hope you and DS feel better soon.

Loulybelle Sat 06-Apr-13 12:14:08

Seriously now, this sounds like a man who has no intention of changing, if i was in the bath on my DD threw up, i'd be out like lightening and whipping her in it, you DP seems to care about no one else but himself.

Do you want to live like this forever?

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Apr-13 12:30:45

I think he sounds mentally ill, to be honest. What is he talking about, that he has had flu because he hadn't had his hair cut and couldn't wash it properly? Since when have people had flu from unwashed hair?

The rest of it sounds like complete selfishness and cruelty.

I've had a look at your other thread, which concerned your other partner, who was violent, selfish and cruel.

I think what you should do is to live on your own with your child and make a promise to yourself not to have another relationship until you have been to counselling and understand a) why you have put up such awful behaviour throughout your adult life and b) what a good man actually looks like. I think it will be hard work but will really pay off.

Your child deserves to live in a house where everyone loves him and cares for him.

deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 12:47:49

The example s you have given do not demonstrate someone putting others first. In fact, in these examples he is the centre of his world with minimal regard for you and dcs.

Are people suggesting a mental health issue because people with personality disorders have an over inflated view of their own self importance?

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 13:10:24

Thanks for the replies, people have really just confirmed what I was thinking.

He hasn't come back, he was supposed to be getting ds some calpol for his fever but hasn't come back with it either. He text saying he'll be back at 6, I sent one back saying how I feel that he isn't changing and doesn't seem to want to be part of this family.

He just text back that he's never heard anything so fucking stupid he's helping his sister and for me to get over it.

It's not what I expect from a relationship along with all the other things and I did tell him last time it was his last chance.

I know in the grand scheme of things it may not be a huge deal but because of a million other things he's done it is.

Loulybelle Sat 06-Apr-13 13:21:50

Your building a rocket of pure resentment, hes adding the fuel, sooner rather than later, its all gonna exploded into something rather messy, you gave him one last chance, he obviously doesnt believe you meant it.

MortaIWombat Sat 06-Apr-13 17:00:39

Please stay with him, op.
Otherwise some other poor cow will end up with him.

Keep him off the market, bend over and take it for the sisterhood. wink

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