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if they hit you it's over? (trigger warning)

(90 Posts)
TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 08:35:20

Just out of curiosity really.

If my partner hit me, even once, no matter what I'd said or done, I'd leave. It's the end of the 'healthy' relationship once you've physically hurt the other on purpose isn't it? (or tried to emotionally hurt/manipulate/threaten them).

Not trying to be goady, just wondered how many people would give another chance?

I wonder sometimes if I'm a little too OTT about this issue because my dad hit my mum sporadically over a long period of time & while I don't remember any of it I've been told enough to know that the first time is very rarely the last,

Sorry if this sounds navel gazing. Just wondered if anyone else has ever heard of the first time being the last time or it never escalating?

JugglingFromHereToThere Sat 06-Apr-13 16:43:57

Blimey Isetan, I'm sorry you experienced that sad

Sunnywithshowers Sat 06-Apr-13 16:41:13

Hi Orchardkeeper that was all years ago, I left abusive XH in 2001 smile

Am now married to a lovely man who is not the tiniest bit abusive. The difference is amazing. I've done a lot of work on my boundaries which has helped immensely.

Isetan Sat 06-Apr-13 15:57:07

I ended the relationship after the first attack, I didn't want to but it was a significant event which I could've easily rationalie. However, if he had shown an ounce of remorse (his mother apologised more the he did) I would have stayed. The varying degrees of contempt and disrespect I had been subjected to while we were together didn't change but my tolerance for such behaviour was dramatically reduced.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to move out and even though I saw him for a couple days of the month he still tried to exert control through his petty behaviour during contact with DD. The second time he attacked me (13 months later) I nearly died. However, that moment of utter helplessness was empowering. My Ex could never take responsibility for his actions and was desperate to be seen as the good guy and when that was a tough sell he was always the victim. It was precisely this attitude which resulted him being charged with attempted manslaughter and being convicted and sentenced to three years.

The two acts of physical violence was nothing compared to the passive agressive bulshit during our relationship and the attempted bullying I suffered afterwards.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 15:02:34

Sorry to hear that Sunny thanks

Are you safe & well now?

I do think some men seek out a certain type of woman (i.e ones with self esteem issues etc) as it makes it easier to start with. My dad was ten years older than my mum & she was literally this 18 year old that had run away from home & had no real support network (very cold upbringing, no affection etc was routinely told she was the 'bad egg' etc) & must've looked like easy pickings to be honest. It's sick but I think some men work that way.

I have been approached (when newly single) by a bloke who thought that because I was a single mum I'd be desperate to date him, despite him being a total mind fuck hmm

Sunnywithshowers Sat 06-Apr-13 14:50:44

It was a long time between experiencing EA and him actually hitting me.

In fact, I was violent to him first. I punched him after he'd spent days following me around shouting at me. He convinced my family I was mad, and I was screaming in anger. He and my mother pinned me down on the bed. I had a breakdown of sorts shortly afterwards. He pushed me over at a party (in front of our friends) and I tried to kill myself that night.

And that was before we married. I spent another 6 years with him. People thought I 'wore the trousers' but I was a broken woman. And my violence gave him the 'right' to treat me like shit for years afterwards.

I grew up in a violent household and swore I'd never be in that situation. But I was, more than once. I grew up thinking I was worthless and this continued as an adult. My first relationship after my XH was with a man who was EA which took me a long time to see.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 14:39:46

^ I wasn't saying you should stay if it's toxic/just bad in general! Quite the opposite, just that it's a different situation to DV.

And thanks to my mum I've never felt like I had to be in a relationship. I left DSs dad expecting to be single for quite some time & it's only by luck that I met my DP really. I'd still have left if someone told me i'd be single for years though as I wanted better for me and for my son and being single has it's perks too to be honest. It's not all doom & gloom & at least you know you'll always treat yourself with respect, even if the EX wouldn't or others won't smile

Chubfuddler Sat 06-Apr-13 13:20:52

Indeed. A man doesn't have to be the one at fault for it to be the right thing for a relationship to end.

We are just so programmed, all of us, to think of being in a couple as the default position for adult life. It shouldn't be. The default position should be to be happy. If your relationship gives you that, fantastic. But if it doesn't, why stay? Really?

JugglingFromHereToThere Sat 06-Apr-13 13:14:12

But even in a "bad as each other" relationship if we were being asked to give advice to the woman in that relationship probably many people would suggest moving on from such a situation - if it was seriously unhealthy for both people involved ? Perhaps one or both would be able to create a more positive and happier relationship with someone else ?

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 12:52:50

there have definitely been cases of 'both as bad as each other' & generally toxic relationships that follow a different narrative to the abuser/abused relationships.

deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 12:43:01

Chub - yes agreed ive not seen an example of saying "my relationship is completely perfect, what should I do"

Clearly there is some degree of a problem when people post asking for input.
Sometimes intuition or guessing what else goes on in that scenario outside of the limits of the original post is correct. Sometimes, it might not be. Sometimes, both parties might be behaving inappropriately. Sometimes, the female might be being abusive. Sometimes, I dont think there is enough info initially for jumping to conclusions, and encouraging the op to reveal a bit more is helpful.

I guess my point just repeats what others have said about difference between issues that are serious but resolvable, and those which are terminal.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 12:24:08



Really glad to hear so many people have got out of violent relationships on here though, however long it took. It isn't easy & it takes a lot to make that leap.

I hope this thread helps anyone in that sort of situation & can show that there's plenty of people who've come out the other side & are doing much better & are 100x happier.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 12:21:34

the worst thing my mum ever told me was when he did it in public once & no one did anything. Apparently (when the police intervened, as they were luckily doing a street patrol at the time) onlookers said 'it just looked like a domestic'. (That was the same time he gave her concussion & knocked her out fully for the first time).

Because of that I'd intervene no matter how trivial it looked. You just never know. I really don't understand how people think it's somehow different to it happened between strangers. Surely it's worse when it's someone you live with!? hmm

Rant over. I know plenty of people probably would do something & she was just unlucky. But yep, 'domestic' does not mean the abuse is less violent.

JugglingFromHereToThere Sat 06-Apr-13 12:17:01

No, you should mind Orchard - and I know you do !
The word "domestic" has definitely been used to down-play the severity of incidents as in the classic police drama style line "It's only a domestic"
Hopefully the police and society in general are moving on significantly from those types of attitude now.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 12:12:41

I have always felt that there's a lot that goes unsaid about it, which leads to people not knowing what 'is' & what isn't abuse. It escalates, so what starts off as a bit of a put down & a shove will escalate.

The term 'domestic' makes it sound less violent & damaging than it is to IMO but nevermind!

Chubfuddler Sat 06-Apr-13 12:09:27

It's inevitable that talking about this is going to be hard for those who have been there. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try, if we feel able to.

I don't think for a moment you started this thread with the intention of upsetting anyone and I would be rather cross if it got removed.

JugglingFromHereToThere Sat 06-Apr-13 12:07:55

Yes, I agree with Chub that the more we talk about these issues the more we help each other, especially for people living in what they feel are borderline relationships. One thing I think has been helpful to hear is that you don't need sufficient justification to leave. Really, if you're not happy it's something you should seriously consider - even though I do know it's rarely that simple.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 12:07:15

I do think it's hard to find support from people who 'get it'

My mum needed the most support after she'd left & had to rebuild herself entirely but felt very alone because everyone thought she was fine. After all, she'd LTB hadn't she...?

Am sorry if anyone has felt it's unnecessarily upsetting though.

CabbageLeaves Sat 06-Apr-13 12:03:48

The thread has been upsetting because one sentence triggered my memory. However I would still want the thread to stand because I think it exposes a lot of the myths, misunderstanding that means domestic abuse goes unreported and is tolerated

I think most victims need to talk to people who understand, really understand as well

waltermittymissus Sat 06-Apr-13 11:50:49

It's all well and good coming on to threads and saying that one hit/punch/shove is not abuse.

However, in most cases (and especially here) that act of physical violence is a symptom of systematic domestic abuse. In a lot of cases, it happens after a long period of EA because the abuser knows then that his victim won't just up and leave.

He'll have squashed her confidence enough to ensure that doesn't happen.

I would rather tell a million women to LTB and be wrong about ten of them!

It would do well, I think, for certain posters to remember that people on here respond to a variety of signs; treatment, language, communication, finances etc as well as any sort of violence when advising OPs because they know what they're seeing.

Sadly, sometimes it's textbook.

I've never seen a LTB for "my DH is so amazing and treats me with love and respect but last night I was screaming in his face for three hours and he moved me out of the way so he could leave", for example.

Posters are always very careful, IMO, to get to the root of the circumstances.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 11:39:14

(If anyone's watched this then they'll know what I'm getting at. Would advise you don't watch that film if you're easily triggered but it is VERY useful if you've never experienced it and is food for thought)

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 11:36:30

^ I didn't mean it to take this direction necessarily but surely if anyone in the early stages read this it might help?

And it's got a few good points on why women often don't leave straight away (or at all) & how it's quite a slow process & can literally happen to anyone.

(I do think there's a bit of a misleading picture painted about the working-class bloke who drinks too much & occasionally hits his OH. It really isn't like that)

Chubfuddler Sat 06-Apr-13 11:32:22

I don't think the thread has been unhelpful or unhealthy. I think the more we talk about these issues the better actually.

FiftyShadesofTurkeyGravy Sat 06-Apr-13 11:30:17

(marking place - helpful thread....)

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 11:24:04

Sorry if anyone feels this was pointless/too upsetting.

Sorry to hear all your stories.

I just wanted to know if I was being blind to my own 'agenda' as it were when posting on relationships & if I should maybe tone it down a bit iyswim. It's hard to tell when it's something you feel very strongly about/have been affected by it.


Chubfuddler Sat 06-Apr-13 11:16:08

But no one on MN has ever told anyone to leave a good relationship because of one argument. That has never happened.

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