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if they hit you it's over? (trigger warning)

(90 Posts)
TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 08:35:20

Just out of curiosity really.

If my partner hit me, even once, no matter what I'd said or done, I'd leave. It's the end of the 'healthy' relationship once you've physically hurt the other on purpose isn't it? (or tried to emotionally hurt/manipulate/threaten them).

Not trying to be goady, just wondered how many people would give another chance?

I wonder sometimes if I'm a little too OTT about this issue because my dad hit my mum sporadically over a long period of time & while I don't remember any of it I've been told enough to know that the first time is very rarely the last,

Sorry if this sounds navel gazing. Just wondered if anyone else has ever heard of the first time being the last time or it never escalating?

CockyFox Sat 06-Apr-13 09:38:47

Well he isn't, that is my point there is nothing to be sad about. One day he lost his temper and thumped me in the shoulder. Never before or since has he been violent in word or deed. So I am just saying that in some cases a hit is a one off although I know this is rare.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 09:40:01

It still shocks me how many women seem to post saying that it started when they became SAHMs or pregnant or financially dependent in some way.

I couldn't believe how sure DSs dad was that I'd stay because I was pregnant with his child, like it was a sign of physical ownership! Not that he was right, that line gave me the resolve I needed, cheeky git.

CabbageLeaves Sat 06-Apr-13 09:40:33

If Cocky Fox says no to SGB then I'd say she made a decision which worked for her. However to suggest that anyone should have to stay after a punch rather than destroy a good marriage is where I take issue. Stay if you choose but don't encourage others to lower their acceptance

CockyFox Sat 06-Apr-13 09:41:39

And yes we have had some rows and he has got angry but now walks away. He regrets having let his temper get the better of him.

CabbageLeaves Sat 06-Apr-13 09:41:42

X posted.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 09:42:22

^ that's what I really dislike.

The idea that if you've been together a while you shouldn't throw it away, even if you feel it was wrong/want to leave because of it does really bug me.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 09:43:01

glad that's all it ever was btw cocky'

CockyFox Sat 06-Apr-13 09:43:29

I'm not encouraging anybody to do anything, everybodies circumstances are different.

TurnipCake Sat 06-Apr-13 09:44:49

Sunk Cost fallacy

Lueji Sat 06-Apr-13 09:45:01

It took my ex over 10 years to assault me a 2nd time, but he did.
The first time I slapped him first. Because he was being EA and it just got too much and nothing I was saying back had any effect, including asking him to stop.
I really should have recognised it and walked away then.
But people deserve a 2nd chance and yes I was a bit afraid of being alone.

TurnipCake Sat 06-Apr-13 09:45:23

That was in reference to TheOrchardKeeper btw row it away, even if you feel it was wrong/want to leave because of it does really bug me.

TurnipCake Sat 06-Apr-13 09:46:36

Urgh, can't even C&P correctly this morning

PearlyWhites Sat 06-Apr-13 09:47:30

My dh has never hit me and I do not doubt for a second that he would. But hypothetically speaking I would give just one chance but only one.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 06-Apr-13 09:51:30

This is why I think it's so important to keep telling people that it's OK to dump a man. Also, it's fine to be single. You dump a man for making you unhappy or behaving badly and the worst that can happen is that you are single for a while - or even forever, but so what?
If you stay with a man who is showing signs of being an abuser, then the worst that can happen is that he kills you. Or your children.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 09:52:08

I don't actually do second chances...Not if it's over something big. If they're that invested and care that much then the once is all it should take.

Yes, I am probably difficult but I'm bloody happier for it.

Sorry to hear that btw leuji
My dad went a year at longest between EA & PA so I just wouldn't trust the silence if you see what I mean? But when he did go for it he really went for it and was often shitfaced at the time so it was dangerous as hell every time.

he actually gave my mum grade 3 concussion during one episode which she doesn't know I know.

It does make me so mad that people said my mum should stay with my dad because he said sorry and it happened infrequently & they had kids & he was just a bit damaged. Some idiots really did say that to her, aged 20 with barely any experience & in a really vulnerable position. Some people sad

CabbageLeaves Sat 06-Apr-13 09:52:17

My partner asked me what I'd tell my DC about marriage. I think he was a little taken aback when I said 'make sure you don't invest more than you can risk and keep enough back to be able to leave'.

Romantic. That's me

Despite that hard cold analysis I am now a woman who is given flowers, gifts, cooked for, cared for, respected and feel cherished and loved. My relationship feels very romantic.

The fact that domestic abuse starts in pregnancy is no coincidence or due to stress etc. it's because the woman has suddenly shifted in a power balance to vulnerable

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 09:54:52

^ and that is why i frequently post quite 'harsh' comments on some threads when it's happened 'just the once' or there's EA involved.

It might seem OTT but the risk is pretty high & you don't always get a warning about how bad the next incident will be. Also, kids do not need a dad that beats their mum over a single parent mum. Ever

CabbageLeaves Sat 06-Apr-13 09:55:17

The song 'Because of you' by Kelly Clarkson never ceases to make me think of domestic abuse.

However my caution in a future relationship has made me strong and will keep me safe

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 09:59:53

^ agree CL

My mum's a different person entirely years later & very independent & strong minded. I can barely imagine the 20 year old version that went through all that. I'll certainly always be grateful I never had to see any of it as a kid. It's a lot easier to know all this about some bloke you don't remember than someone you identify as dad iyswim.

daffsarecomingup Sat 06-Apr-13 10:02:51

my xh was physically aggressive to me twice, whilst we were in the throes of breaking up. i am very aware of DV, although thankfully have never been in a relationship with it.
Around the same time I threw my keys at him, hitting him between the legs.
I don't believe either of us are 'abusive.' We were trapped in an empty marriage, awaiting the sale of the marital home. There was a huge amount of stress around at the time.
we are now best friends.
my point is that it's sometimes not black and white, and one or two incidents do not necessarily constitute an 'abusive' relationship

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 10:04:18

^ it does sometimes seem to be the nail in the coffin of an already dead relationship

Chubfuddler Sat 06-Apr-13 10:04:48

When people accuse certain regular posters on the relationships section of being "the leave the bastard brigade" when what the op is describing is classic ramping up of EA, I do wonder whether they are just so fortunate to have a normal, healthy relationship that they simply have no idea what we are talking about (which would please me greatly if that were the case), or whether they in fact recognise patterns in their own relationship and are rejecting the EA label for themselves, because they aren't ready to deal with it.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 10:07:00

Maybe that's it chub'

It's such an insidious thing & the very nature of it means you don't see it until you're well within it makes it very hard to explain or describe from the outside.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 06-Apr-13 10:07:56

*to the outside

So if someone describes what sounds like the early stages, even if it turns out not to be, I'd rather err on the side of caution iyswim.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 06-Apr-13 10:08:41

My dad always says that the first time a man hits a woman it is 100% his fault. And every time after that, it is 100% her fault, because she should have left him after the first time.

I grew up believing that to be true. hmm

But then I started to understand exactly why that was a crock of shit. To understand how someone gets to the stage where they can be hit and not leave.

The shock, the fear, the low self esteem, declarations of love and regret, hope that it was just a one off... then the grinding down of someone until they believe that they deserve it, the twisting of them, the emotional abuse...

It's the total destruction of a person that normally starts well before the first blow.

(my husband does not hit me, btw, in case it reads that I have changed my mind due to personal experience)

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